High Conflict People - The Prequel

If you're not a psychological professional, how do you spot a High Conflict Personality before you marry one?  Mind you, marrying one is not necessarily the problem, although it can be.  Divorcing them triggers every insecurity they have, put their all or nothing thinking into high gear, and makes extreme conflict all but unavoidable.  The guru of High Conflict People, Bill Eddy (one of my personal heroes), sets forth 7 characteristics for which to watch:
1.  Are they excessively charming, showering you with compliments, gifts, or trips?  Until you really get to know them, HCP can be mesmerizing.  They seem too good to be true - and they probably are.
2.  Does something seem a little bit off?  Pay attention to your gut.
3.  Is the sex absolutely amazing?  Sure, most of us want great sex, but remember that sex releases hormones into your system that are as powerful as any narcotic and can accelerate your falling in love.  Hopefully, it's just great sex, but remember #1 on this list.
4.  Are they rushing you for a commitment, to move the relationship to the next level?  HCPs do this for a couple of reasons, the most important to you is that they want you to commit before they can't maintain #1 on this list any more and their "real" personality comes out.  It's much harder to get out of a relationship then to simply not get into one.
5.  Is their thinking totally black and white, all or nothing?  Are there no shades of grey?  Is it always someone else's fault?  Are they always the victim?
6.  Are they completely self absorbed?  Is it all about them?  Do they not ask you about your interests or your day?  Do you and what you want only matter as it relates to them?
7.  What are their patterns in their relationships with other people?  Were there any patterns in their relationships growing up?  How do they relate to their parents?  HCPs do not become that way overnight; they develop over a lifetime.

High Conflict People

We often joke here in the Trenches that without high conflict people, we would be out of work.  OK, it's really not a joke.  I'm not a mental health professional, but the folks we call "high conflict," they call Axis II.  For those of you who don't read the DSM-IV (the diagnostic manual for psychological professionals) for pleasure, the Axis II people are the ones with personality disorders.  A disproportionate number of family law clients either have or should have an Axis II diagnosis, or they are married to someone who fits that description.  What makes these people so difficult?  To start with, it is NEVER their fault:  it doesn't matter what "it" is; it's not their fault.  Well then, whose fault is it?  Probably yours, if you're interacting with them.    Their target of blame could be anyone.  In family law disputes, it's usually their spouse, or their attorney.
I know what you're thinking - that people with a personality order are mentally ill, and that means they're crazy.  Although it's true that personality disorders are mental disorders, the truth of the matter is that probably 12-15% of the population probably has them, and it's not necessarily a bad thing.  In fact, in some contexts, it's what makes people successful at what they do.  Would you want the CEO of a major corporation not to think he/she is the absolute best at what they do?  How about an actor or actress who doesn't want people to pay attention to them?  Maybe you'd like a soldier who doesn't think everyone is out to get him?  Of course, what makes Mr. I'm better than you, Ms. look at me and Colonel there are enemies in every camp, good at what they do for a living, doesn't necessarily make them good spouses.  They make for high conflict, however, and that conflict is what keeps us busy in the Trenches.

Macbeth Revisited - Again

.....or let's take our ball and go home.  Some people should not be lawyers.  Who, you might ask?  Those people whose skin is so thin that someone else playing by the rules is seen as a personal attack.  Back to the attorney from Macbeth Revisted.  He sent his documents, both of them.  When I sent him a letter telling him we needed more than just two pieces of paper, he responded by setting my client's deposition.  He didn't discuss it with his client first, and actually had the nerve to tell his client he set the deposition because of my demands.   Notice, he didn't tell his client he had any kind of purpose that would further the client's case.  So, retaliation or defense?  He'll tell his client it's defense, but we all know it's retaliation.  The most awful part of this?  He's charging his client to vent his spleen.
     Discovery is the process by which lawyers make sure everyone in a case can know all of the relevant information necessary to resolve a dispute.  It is meant to ensure that there are no surprises or ambushes at trial, and that the judge can have all of the relevant facts before him or her when making a decision.  Whether that actually happens depends on the knowledge of the client about the other side, and the investigative skill of the attorney.  No matter what, discovery is about gathering information. That information could be financial, it could be to find out what parenting plan a party desires, or it could be to find out how a party or a witness will behave under questioning   It should never be about the lawyer's personal feelings.

TGIF

The workload....

Our philosophy

10 miles to run tomorrow.  Longest run in almost 3 years!

Soooo....What Have You Done For Me lately?

I tell clients that the shelf life of guilt is short.  A person who feels guilty will do the "right thing," or perhaps do even more than the right thing to assuage the guilt.   The shelf life of the gratitude of a client is like guilt - really short.  I've talked about this in prior posts.  When you help a client obtain a good result, whether by negotiation or litigation, they think you're great.  They will tell you how grateful they are, and what a great job you did.  They know you've gone months and months without payment but kept working.  They promise to pay you.  They tell you they will have the cash to pay your bill, maybe they even got attorney's fees in their settlement.  They tell you they don't have the money, but they can make substantial payments.  You say OK, after all, you're in a helping profession and you know their finances better than anyone.  Then......nothing.  They have other bills to pay, other goals in life, other uses for that money.  They ask you to accept payments that will take many years to pay off the bill.  You're done with the job for them, so they don't need you any more. You did a great job, they will remember that, but they won't pay you.  They get upset when you send them to collection.  How could you do this to me?  I was your client.  You're supposed to take care of me.  I can't believe you want me to delay my dream to pay you for your services.  Clients want to know why our retainers are so high, why we want so much of our fees up front.  Blame the shelf life of the gratitude of their predecessors.

How Important is Genius?

What is genius?  Webster's says it is "extraordinary intellectual power, especially as manifested in creative activity."  Genius is rare, which is why it is so celebrated.  As I'm taking a break from the Trenches to go see the Alexander McQueen exhibit at New York's Metropolitan Museum of Art today, I'm thinking a lot about genius.  Alexander McQueen was one, as were Albert Einstein, Sigmund Freud, Vincent Van Gogh, Aristotle, Edgar Allen Poe, Marie Currie, Agatha Christie, and Mother Teresa.  These were extraordinary people, all of whom left indelible marks on all of our lives and on mankind in general.  Not everyone can effect the extreme change left by these individuals on mankind.  Does that mean only geniuses leave their mark on the world?  Of course not.  Every parent who does their best in raising their children, every teacher who reaches a child and changes their life, every doctor who successfully delivers a healthy baby, or cures someone of disease, every lawyer who obtains an acquittal for an innocent client, and every soldier that does his or her duty make a difference and leave their mark on the world.  They are the silent heroes of our world.  The world celebrates great genius, beauty and wealth.  People who toil to make a difference don't think they're heroes or geniuses.  One of my colleagues, who I (and the United State Military) consider a hero, said the following:

 "Most medals were issued for good cause, but many, many veterans have never been acknowledged for their sacrifice or deeds; ( the inscription on the Iwo Jima memorial relates that uncommon valor was a common virtue)

 

    In many cases, much of what is referred to as heroism is nothing more then self defense and self preservation;

 

    I received a couple of emails in response to the story and the individuals had been in the military and both of them stated that they were only desk jockey's or supply guys and apologized for their status while thanking me for my heroism  - made me feel bad - their contributions were just as important;

 

    I am not a hero - just a guy who did his job and served his country -     like hundred of thousands of other men and women; combat was humbling and taught me among other things -- humility."

We need genius.  Radical change needs genius.  While we praise and celebrate genius, and mourn its loss, let's not forget our everyday heroes.  They are the change we need in the world.

Changes

I was thinking about change today and decided to do a little research on the web.  What an education.  Shocking as it may seem, many people think change is a bad thing, that it's something that only happens when you have to adapt to the unforeseen or unwanted, or it's what happens to ruin something good that you are experiencing.  Wow.
I love change.  OK, not big changes like moving or becoming a blond.  I do like change, however.  Doing the same thing every day becomes monotonous.  It's hard to work up enthusiasm to greet the day when every day is the same.  The same exercise routine, the same breakfast, the same types of clients presenting the same types of issues.  When the enthusiasm goes away, in a lot of cases, so do the results.  Exercise gurus say that you need to change your exercise routine every once in a while or your body gets used to the  routine and you stop seeing results.  Change from hammer curls to concentration curls, and you're still exercising the same bicep muscle, but it feels different.  Increase your running mileage and change the terrain and it feels different (and not just because it's farther).  You really feel like you're working your muscles, and face it, it feels good, not just physically, but mentally.  You're excited again to work out, to see what your body can do.
Give me a new and complicated issue in a case, a challenge that has to be resolved, and I am energized.  I remember what it was like in law school to learn new concepts, to be excited at the novelty.  What's really funny, is that energy and excitement flow over into all my other cases.  A little change brings big results.  What can you change today?