TGIF

Settled an Ugly Case for A

Well-liked Client

Held My First Court Oredered Mediation -

And Was Successful!

Office Testosterone Came Back for

His Follow Up Scan (Keep Your Fingers Crossed!)

Adventures in Co-Parenting

I mediated a custody case today and in response to the mother's comment that the father wasn't supportive of her parenting, and set her up to be the bad guy, the father became offended because he did, in fact, support her parenting and backed her up with the kids.  He said he always told them, "It's Fine with Me if Your Mom Says it's All Right."  A lot of parents, even in intact families, think that such a statement is being supportive.  They mean that if the child gets both votes, they can do it, but if they only have the one vote, they can't.  What their teenage children hear, however, is an opportunity to exploit, divide and conquer.  It's hard to do in an intact family, where Mom and Dad may actually talk to each other and compare stories.  In a separated family, it's golden.  You know where this is going....."Why can't I?  Dad says it's OK." "You're so mean, Dad would let me!"  (By the way, this scheme works just as well when Mom makes the "supportive" statement).  What happens as a result?  Mom feels pressured to give in, so the child gets what she wants.  If Mom doesn't give in, then the child says she's a horrible parent.  What is definite is that Mom is furious with Dad for setting her up in a no win situation.  What happens when Mom sees/talks to Dad next?  She lets him have it for putting her in a no win situation.  Dad doesn't understand why she's so upset.  They're separated and they're not really talking, so they never figure out that their little angel is setting them up.
I can't tell  you how many times I see this scene play out.  For every parent, those of us in the Trenches tell them that they can divorce their spouse as a spouse, but never as a parent.  They have to continue to work together as parents until their children are raised, or they risk having their children run roughshod over them, or worse, getting into trouble because they have been raised with fluid limits.  Even if they didn't communicate well while married, they need to communicate as parents.  If they didn't know how while together, they need to learn; the consequences of not doing so will last a lifetime - their children's.

Office Staff a/k/a Would it Kill You to Be Nice?

I have been making the rounds of doctors.  Nothing wrong, just check up time.  During these visits, I've noticed something that really bothers me.  I love my doctors - I have really good service providers.  Most of them, however, manage to find front office staff that are either completely lacking in personality, rude, nasty, or all of the above.  I have now been to two offices in a row where the person at the front desk did not greet me, did not wish me a good morning and did not make eye contact.  The first words out of their mouths were "Insurance card."  Then, they demanded my drivers license and shoved a clipboard containing the same questionaire I fill out every single year, even though none of the information has changed.  Still, no eye contact, no small talk, no nothing.  The only other words I hear from them are "How much is your co-pay?" (and why don't they know that?)  I don't know about you, but going to the doctor is somewhat stressful for me.  You never know if they're going to find something.  I don't want to be there.  I'm a little apprehensive.  Well, by the time I'm done with the person at the front desk, I want to kill someone or cry, I'm never sure which; I just know I'm tense.  Puts me in a great frame of mind to see the doctor (Yes, I'm being sarcastic).
Three of my doctor's offices are different.  I love going to them.  It's not because the particular doctor visit is less stressful, and in fact, for these particular providers, the chance that something could be wrong is even greater than the others.  The reasons I love going there are:
1)  They greet me when I walk in the door.  Nothing big, just "Hello."
2)  They make eye contact.
3)  I still give them the same cards and information, but they ask for it in a conversational way.
4)  They are kind and caring, yet still professional.
5)  They let me know they understand that being there can be stressful.
You're probably thinking that they're just acting like people.  You'd be right.  The question is, why are they so unusual in the medical field?
It brings us around to the Trenches, doesn't it?  Our clients are scared, nervous, emotional, angry, and just plain stressed out.  Most of them have never been to a lawyer before, and may never use one again.  The law and the judicial system are foreign to them.  How do we treat them when they call our offices?  When they walk in the door?  Do we just demand information, shove paperwork in front of them?  Or, do we greet them by name, ask how they are, welcome them to our offices and ask them for the information we need to help them.  Do we have smiles in our voices?  It's the little things that make the difference.  I would rather my office is one people want to call and come into rather than dread.  Wouldn't you?

Moving On

Here in the Trenches we are suffering mixed emotions.  Cases for three of our favorite clients have ended for one reason or another.  For two of them, their cases are over and they can move on with their lives; for one, their collaborative case fell out and litigation is starting.  We are going to miss them all.  The interesting thing about attorneys and their clients, as I've said before, is that they are like dogs and their owners - they resemble each other.  Our favorite clients have a lot of things in common, and those things are what make them like us here in the Trenches (at least we hope so), and are why we love them:
1)  They are good people.
2)  They want to do the right thing by their families.
3)  They are practical and reasonable.
4)  They have a good sense of humor and of the absurd.
5)  They are intelligent.

We love all three of them.  We love hearing from them and talking to them.  Working with them is a pleasure - it's a partnership of give and take, discussing the issues and reaching solutions.  We'll miss their presence in the daily life of the Trenches, but wish them the best.

The Little Things Make a Difference

    
I will confess, we have been having a difficult couple of weeks here in the Trenches.  Nothing big, just a lot of little things that have gone wrong:  typos in pleadings, wrong case numbers.  It seems like every time we turn around, something else was done wrong.  It's not just one person, it's all of us.  The funny thing is that all of these really minor errors do more to drag down our moods than one really big blooper.  It's kind of like a slow drip versus a flood:  each is bad in a different way, but a slow drip can do more damage in the long run.
     Then, today, we got some really good news on behalf of a client.  It was a little victory in the scheme of things, but a victory nevertheless.  All of a sudden, all those little things stopped dragging us down, and the mood really picked up.  Almost like when our Office Testosterone comes around.
     Isn't this how our clients feel?  Divorce isn't just one really big thing.  It's a bunch of little things.  The decision is the big thing, and most clients think that's the hardest part.  It's not. All the little decisions, the negotiations and the process continue, sometimes for years.  It's constant, and it wears you down.  That's why it's important to keep perspective and remember that the little things are little, and to savor each and every positive that comes around.  One positive counteracts so many negatives - here in the Trenches.

Collaborative Practice and the Public Perception

As you saw from my Friday post, last week I attended a training to improve my speaking skills so I can go out to groups and talk to them about collaborative practice.  What we did was work into our presentations what the public thinks are the most important advantages of the collaborative practice.  What is that, you ask?  Less pain and more support through the process.  In a lot of ways, the two advantages go hand in hand.  When you feel supported, when you know you're not alone, you feel less pain.  Less pain also means none of what the public perceives as "divorce as usual":  no Kramer vs. Kramer, no War of the Roses, no Mrs. Doubtfire (although I really like the last movie because it shows a family evolve from having one good parent, to having two).  It means more of getting on with the business of living and putting your life back together, and less of pulling it apart.  Professionals like to think of Collaborative Practice as more constructive, providing our clients with tools to improve their lives and relationships moving forward.  If we were really honest with ourselves, however, we would say that at its root we love Collaborative Practice because our clients suffer less, and in that regard, we are in harmony with our clients' goal:  Collaborative Practice = Less Pain.

TGIF

Not a full moon....but sure felt like it

Trained to be a Collaborative Process speaker