How Do You Measure Success?

A few years ago,  I was appointed as a pre-judgment parent coordinator in a case, but I was only somewhat successful in helping these parents reach a parenting schedule.  To tell the truth, I felt a bit like a failure about it.  They were nice people, with obviously different gifts and strengths to share with their child.  They were polarized by anger, by their differing communication styles, and their attorneys.  Yes, I said their attorneys.  They both had very good, but highly combative attorneys.       Fast forward a year and a half, and they called me to help resolve a child support issue.  Sort of parenting related, so I made the appointment.  They came in today.  They have two different lawyers, same communication problems, and the anger is still there.  We made a lot of progress.  We'll resolve the issue.
I took a lot away from our mediation.  It drove home that success is measured in many ways.  No, they didn't resolve their initial parenting issues with me, but obviously, we built enough trust in each other and the process that even though they were back in court, they both thought I could help them avoid a contested hearing.  I was successful with them a year and a half ago, even though it didn't feel that way at the time.  I measured success by reaching a solution; they measured success by having a safe place to talk, and someone to help reframe what they said so the other could hear.  They also both liked that I helped them weight their options by playing "what if" with them in a way none of their attorneys would (more on that in a minute).  I helped them deal with the conflict so they could focus on resolving the dispute.  Even though they may continue to have disputes, I think they are successful as well because they both recognize they need to resolve their dispute and need help doing it, and they both agree on who they trust to help them.  That is incredibly huge and healthy. These folks will ultimately be OK.  They will never like each other, but they can manage their conflict, and to me, that's success.
The other piece of my work with this couple was disturbing - between them, they had been represented by four different lawyers.  They don't like or trust any of them.  They thought their lawyers were out to drag out their case in order to increase fees.  They both laughed that the least true thing their attorneys said was that they weren't doing anything on their case "to save them money." They knew their case was being ignored.  They said they would email their attorneys and would never get a definitive answer; they figured it was to keep it so that they didn't have enough information to solve their own problem - it was to keep them dependent.  They felt comfortable telling me this even though I'm an attorney too.  To them, I was different and not like their attorneys.  I'm glad that they thought I wasn't like all the others.  I'm sad that they had to make the distinction.  If only we could see ourselves the way others see us.  Here in the Trenches.

Let's Look Out For Each Other, Shall We?

When people ask me how long I've been practicing collaborative divorce, my answer is 20 years.  That's how long I've been practicing exclusively in the area of family law.  I say that, not in the sense of the relatively new dispute resolution mechanism, but in the more general and commonly understood sense.  In my office, a problem shared is a problem on its way to being solved.  The only way that can happen is if everyone is working toward the same goal.  That goal may be resolving the issues around the end of a marriage or deciding on a parenting plan for the children.  It may be learning to communicate effectively with others.  It may be healing.  The point is that the goal could be anything.  Everyone involved has to be committed to reaching it.  That is the point.  We work as a team because we want the same things.  We each do our jobs and work to our strengths to reach the goal.  Sometimes the team is the client and the attorney.  Sometimes it's two attorneys and two clients.  Sometimes the team involves a mediator, a broker or a coach. Sometimes it is a full collaborative team.  What the team looks like doesn't really matter, so long as everyone acts like a team and shares the vision.  Then everyone is free to problem solve and reality check because it's safe and supported.  We get some of our best ideas and most creative solutions that way.  Why would anyone with a problem settle for anything less?  Here in the Trenches.

Risking Life and Limb

The weather is kicking our butts here.  For the second time in two weeks, Frederick County closed the courthouse.  Not that I blame them.  Frederick County has some of the worst snow removal services in Maryland.  Today, we had ice.  So much ice that trees fell across one of the main streets of Frederick.  After I crawled across the deck to help puppy girl over the bridge to the backyard and slid my way across the sidewalk to get to my car, I decided that there was nothing so important to risk my life over.  The client I was supposed to meet did not agree.  Really?  I do many things for my clients.  Risk my life?  Not one of them.

That client's unrealistic expectations about whether I should risk my life to travel to the office matches the unrealistic expectations this client has about what I am supposed to do.  This client doesn't work with me.  This client doesn't want to take responsibility for their own decisions.  That's my job.  That way,  there's someone to blame when things go wrong, and it's not the client.  Some days it's hard to love my job.  Here in the Trenches.

I Love Facebook.....

Can we talk social media?  I like social media.  No, no, no, not for the usual reasons a family law attorney likes it - great source of evidence.  I really like social media.  Used correctly, it's wonderful.  I post my blog on Facebook and Twitter.  Colleagues post articles pertinent to the Trenches.  We have conversations about Divorce Corp on Linked In.  We share ideas.  Our listservs allow us to help each other with sticky issues.  Imagine having all those colleagues' brains to pick!  Then, there's the personal level.  Facebook allows us to put to rest old misunderstandings from high school, and reconnect with friends from sleep away camp.  We can see what interests our children.  We can share our joys, our fears and our pain, and know someone is listening and cares.  Isn't it amazing?  I know, it's hard to sift out the random thoughts, the posts from the cereal aisle of the supermarket, the sharing that no one should really share.  Those moments that count - the chances to heal, the opportunity to reconnect, the sharing of joy and pain - make social media worthwhile.  Remember, I also like it as a family law attorney, so share responsibly.  Here in the Tenches.

Character Building and the Wrestling Mat

Sometimes just showing up to make you a winner.  As you all know, my son is a high school teacher and wrestling coach in Prince George's County, Maryland.  His school has a strong wrestling program, thanks to a dedicated group of adults.  Many of the schools in the county are like that.  For some, however, for whatever reason, the wrestling program is weak.  Of the 14 possible weight classes, these schools have wrestlers in 3 or 4 of them only.  My son's school has 14.  The winners of wrestling meets are determined by the points earned in each weight class.  If you do the math, you've figured out that even if each of the 3 or 4 wrestlers on these teams with weak programs earn the maximum number of points, their team will still lose - every time, unless they wrestle another team with 3 or 4 wrestlers.  Yet, the wrestlers on these teams show up to every match and wrestle as well as they can.  Even when they lose, I think just showing up makes them winners.  How many of us could step out on the mat twice a week and commit to doing our best even when there is no hope of victory for our team?  Sure, the individual wrestlers with the best records can win individual glory at the county, regional and state tournaments at the end of the season, but the operative words here are "end of the season."  In the meantime, they show up with their tiny teams and give it their all. You have to admire the dedication.  It's easy to be a good sport when you're winning.  It's easy to pull together for the team when the team is large and strong.  It's easier to take losing well when you don't lose very often.  In my book, "easy" doesn't help us grow and improve; adversity does that.  It makes you look inside yourself for validation and not to others.  In the long run, that's not a bad thing.

Oh heavens, is she saying that it's OK to lose everything in my divorce and I should be happy about it?  No, of course not.  Let's be frank, however.  Most divorces are hard.  They are emotionally draining.  They are difficult transitions.  They bring a lot of change.  Some people have really strong teams of family, friends and professionals on their side to support them through it.  Others do not.  What's funny is that you would think that the ones with a lot of support do better during and after divorce.  You'd be incorrect.  Sure, a lot do.  What I've found, however, is that the ones with less support are like those weak wrestling teams.  They show up for meetings and court with just their attorney and maybe one friend, but they show up.  They are more engaged in resolving their dispute because no one else will do it for them.  They look to themselves to work through the obstacles.  They make the hard decisions by themselves and live with the consequences, knowing whatever it is, it's what they chose.  They have no one to blame but themselves.  After all, what choice do they have?  It's harder for them than the clients with a lot of support. These folks tend to leverage the support they have in a way that is effective for them.  They are more likely to work with their professionals as part of a team.  In the end, they amaze themselves at what they can do and how much they learned from working their way through the Trenches.  They are living proof that adversity can make you strong.   Here in the Trenches.

I Can't Hear You.

A week ago, I was sitting with a client, and listening to her story.  It was a sad story, full of despair.  Her husband had a severe mental illness and a substance abuse problem.  He left her and their son.  He was trying to get well, with not a lot of success.  She was holding everything else together - parenting their son, maintaining the home, and paying all of their bills.  She was committed to helping him beat his addiction and mental illness.  The only problem was that she was so overwhelmed by fear of financial ruin that she couldn't concentrate on his issues.  He was focused only on his problems and didn't care about the money.  He accused her about caring only about the money.  It wasn't true, but the fear that he wouldn't keep depositing his checks in the joint account so she couldn't keep a roof over their heads drowned out everything else.  I advised her to talk to him and tell him the truth - that she was committed to their marriage and to helping him, but until they addressed her issue about the money, she couldn't focus on what mattered.  Hopefully, he is well enough to understand, because if he can and address the simple issue by reassuring his wife, he'll probably save his marriage and regain a powerful ally in his battle.

Today, I was sitting with my fellow law school professors to prepare our class for the upcoming week.  The ideas were flying out onto the paper.  All I could think about was how much time each piece would take.  I worried about whether we would have enough time to do all the things we wanted.  When should we put the breaks?  Should we rearrange matters so the time flowed better?  Everyone else wanted to get the ideas fleshed out.  All I could think about was time.  Did I mention all I could think about was time?  My other professors wanted to deal with that last and wouldn't discuss it.  Until I figured out the time, I couldn't hear any of their ideas.  I was too stressed about the schedule.  So, what did I do?  While they talked, I figured out the basic time table for our class.  I put it down on paper.  It took me less than 5 minutes.  Once I was done, I could concentrate again and focus on the substance of the class.

Like my client, once the housekeeping was taken care of, I could focus on the real issues.  How often does something like this happen in the Trenches?  All too often, unfortunately.  One spouse wants to settle all the issues together, and won't agree to any one part until they're all agreed.  The other spouse doesn't know how they're going to pay the mortgage next month, and until that one question is answered, can't focus on anything else.   What are the odds the case will settle if the mortgage issue isn't resolved first? Not good, that's for sure, because the spouse who's worried about the mortgage can't focus on anything else.  That's very different from a spouse who wants to settle each issue separately as opposed to together, not because they can't focus, but because that's how they want to do it.  There are a lot of examples like that here in the Trenches.  Part of our job is to determine which issues are like my client's budget and my timetable and which are just different approaches to reaching a global solution.  There's a huge difference between the two and determines whether we settle the case or just spin our wheels.   Here in the Trenches.

Mr. DeMille, I'm Ready For My Closeup

On Monday I did something I hate doing - I had my picture taken.  Yes, I'm one of those people who never thinks they look good in photos, so I avoid them like the plague.  I must have inherited this from my mother, as my father loved to be photographed and he always looked good.  I digress.  If you've looked at my photos on my website, here and my Facebook page, you probably figured they needed updating.  So did I.  As luck would have it, one of Son's former wrestlers is a photographer.  He likes taking pictures.  He'd like to do it for a living.  He's at most of the matches, just like me, and I see him taking photos.  I asked if he wanted to do mine.  He agreed and we met.  You know I almost never name names here, but I'm making an exception.  Eugene Maddy is the young man's name, and he did a really lovely job.  That's high praise indeed from someone who rarely meets a picture she loves.  He has a good eye and an engaging personality, and he really captured my essence. (That's on top of being conscientious and reliable).   I'm sure you'll agree when they're all posted soon, and if you look at my blogger profile, you'll see one of them already.  (If you want his number, I have it).

Anyway, the one thing Eugene and I had not discussed prior to the shoot was price.  He knew me, I knew him, and we knew we'd work it out.  At any rate, he quoted me a very, very low price.  I know why he did - I'm coach's mom, he knows me, he's just starting out, he doesn't have the fancy cameras and equipment more seasoned photographers have..... It sparked a discussion about pricing.  You see, those are all really good reasons for him to quote me a lower price.  It is not a good reason to give his work away.  Pricing not only takes into account experience, and in Eugene's case, possession of specialized equipment.  It also takes into account other factors like overhead in the form of rental of premises, gas for his car from Prince George's County to Rockville and back, batteries for his camera, flash drives, and incremental costs for the purchase of his equipment (like that new laptop he wants, and Photoshop to put on it, not to mention a more expensive camera that does more).  The costs of all of those things have to be factored into the price quoted.  Beyond that, however, price has to take into account a number of intangibles.  For a photographer, it is the ability to compose a picture, manage the exposure and the shutter speed, engage the subject and capture their essence.  Some people can do that and others cannot.  That's why not everyone is a professional photographer.  Valuing those intangibles is tricky; you have to know what value a client places on those factors and what others with similar talents charge.  Beyond that, you have to have a sense of your own worth as a professional.    Someone just starting out doesn't know that yet.

But wait, there's more.  Price yourself too low, and you will always be the photographer without the really good equipment that makes a lot of difference in the quality of photos you can shoot, the computer program to edit your photos and the computer to handle it.  Why?  Because you will always make just enough money to cover your expenses, both in the business and in life, with no money left over to improve.  Plus, your customers won't come to you because you're a great photographer; they'll come to you because you're cheap.  Is that how you want to be known - as the cheap guy? Isn't better to be known as that great photographer who charges a fair price?  Of course it is.  Don't worry, after this discussion, Eugene and I came to an understanding about a price that was fair to both of us, taking into account all of the factors.  I'm thrilled and so is he.

 That discussion led me to think about the Trenches, but you already knew that.  Isn't this just like lawyers in the Trenches?  Of course it is, and Eugene and I actually talked about it.  For lawyers, overhead is a large part of pricing.  It certainly is for me.  I have to pay for my office space, the independent contractors who pick up the slack, the office supplies (especially the paper and the toner, because we here in the Trenches love to kill trees), the electricity and the water.  That costs a lot of money.  In order to stay current, I also have to attend continuing education programs, update my computer systems and programs, and market my practice.  Those are also part of overhead.

What about experience and the intagibles?  In my mind, those are at least as important in the Trenches as they are to Eugene.  A newly minted lawyer has to look up everything.  They are reviewing the rules and statutes constantly.  Trust me, you want them to do that.  All of that takes time that I don't need to spend because I'm very familiar with the rules and statutes.  Certainly, I need to double check here and there, but I don't need to study them the way a new attorney does.  That's part of the reason they charge less; because they know less, it takes them more time to do the things it takes me far less time to do.

Then, there's the intangibles.  A retired judge paid me an extremely high complement a little while back.  He told me he likes mediating my cases because I know the value of a case, what's worth fighting over, and what's not.  He also likes how I'm able to communicate that to my client in a way that they can understand.  The judge doesn't say that to everyone, because not everyone is able to do what I do.  It comes from experience, certainly, but also from a rapport with people, an understanding of their needs, and a sense of what is compelling.  Knowing how to price that quality relative to others in the Trenches is an art.  Sometimes I undersell myself, sometimes I decide to reduce my fee, but I never give it away unless it's for a good cause.  It took a long time to figure that out (and some who know me say there are still occasions in which they don't think I've learned it).

Certainly, I get a calls from clients shopping solely on price.  You all know how I feel about that.  Some lawyers charge very little and make a living on volume.  Others charge a lot.  That's a poor way to choose a lawyer.  Price is not value.  A lawyer is a personal fit.  They are someone who understands where you're coming from and where you want to go.  They understand your risk tolerance.  They listen and work with you on how you want and need to resolve your case.  That may be the cheapest lawyer.  It may not.  My experience is people who hire based on price alone don't appreciate the intangibles.  They are focused only on price.  They don't care that quality work takes time.  They don't care that other clients deserve their attention.  They don't care about any of the intangibles.  They want what they want and they want it now and for next to nothing.  Those aren't the kinds of clients I want, and I'm comfortable turning away business because I know there are clients out there who value the work I do.  Those are the people for whom I want to work, and for them, I'm the lawyer they want to have. The price shoppers can go down the road.  Here in the Trenches.