The Red Hot Marshmallow

I feel like one of those terrible friends who doesn't tell you when things are crazy and just drops out of sight.  I should have told you all I was taking a break until the first of the year, but I didn't, mostly because I didn't know.  I finished Christmas cookie season, was best (wo)man at the wedding of my first child client ever, and then collapsed.  I came down with the flu, and blogging was the last thing on my mind.  My irresponsibility gave me time to reflect on this blog and what I want to accomplish here.  It gave me time to think of new topics for you all.  I hope to bring us back to our roots.

Today, I'd like to talk about the picture in this post.  It's a photo of Lisa, Chrystal and me in New York last month.  I'm easy to spot - I look like a big red cream puff.  That coat is very warm.  In fact I was out in tonight's winter storm in it, and the part of me that was covered by that coat was warm and toasty.  It's a great coat, and has been for the almost 20 years I've owned it.  So, what's the problem?  Oh, for heaven's sake, look at me in it.  Lisa and Chrystal look stylish as well as warm, and I look....warm.  After seeing pictures of me in it, I have come to the conclusion that this coat is best used for walking my puppies, even though daughter calls me the "red hot marshmallow."

Seeing me in this coat makes me wonder why no one told me how truly awful it looks.  It looked good when I was a lot bit younger, but 20 years is a long time.  I bet I haven't looked good in that coat for years.  Why did no one say anything?  Surely, they would know I wouldn't want to walk around looking frumpy or puffy.  So why didn't they say anything?

For the same reason your friends and family saw you were marrying the wrong person, saw your spouse out with the person with whom they were committing adultery, distanced themselves during your divorce.  Certainly, they knew they should tell you.  It's not about that.  It's about the relationship with you.  What exactly would they say?  Would you kill the messenger?  What if you didn't believe them?  Most importably, they worry about how would it affect your relationship with them.  They don't want to have to tell the whole truth because it may hurt you.  That's really what it's about.  That's why they didn't tell you.  I know, it made you feel a bit silly, a little foolish, to have everyone know but you.  It feels like one more betrayal.  It probably doesn't help for me to tell you that for most of them, it's because they care for you too much and not too little.   It's true.  Most of them don't know what to say and they don't want to be the one who tells you something that will cause you discomfort, if not outright pain.  So, they don't say anything at all.

Sometimes your friends and family don't say anything because they don't want to get involved.  They don't want to take sides.  They don't want to put themselves out there.  They don't want to be inconvenienced.  They don't want to make enemies.   After all, many of them know good and bad about not only your spouse but you too.   It may make being around you uncomfortable.  Maybe it will make it difficult to live near you or your spouse.  Some of them resent being dragged into your divorce, and resent you for making them privy to the knowledge that involves them.  Yes, it's about them and not you.  You're probably not in a place to think about what your friends and family are feeling, but it can help you make sense of how your life needs to reconfigure.  Did they stay silent out of love or something else?  While you're making sense of what happened to your marriage, it's probably a good time to figure that out too.  Here in the Trenches.