That Well Won't Prime

One of my closest friends here in the Trenches and I are in a collaborative case together.  The case is wrapping up, and my friend is doing the first draft of the agreement.  He sent it to me late last week.  I made some edits and sent it back to him.  In return, I received an email from him asking me why I made a specific change.  I explained it and thought to myself, "Duh, do you think I'm silly enough to let my client get the short end of the stick on that piece of property we agreed to split it equally?"  He wrote back, asking why it was that I would want him to change the agreement so that HIS client got the short end of the stick instead of half (I'm sure he thought "Duh" as well).  Wait a minute - we each thought the other's changes hurt our client?  What's going on here?  I then did the thing that I should have done in the first place:  I said I thought we were having two entirely differenct conversations, and could he explain.  He did.  Then I did.  Guess what?  We WERE having two entireley different conversations.  Each of us was operating from a different set of facts and a different definition of the terms.  As my friend then said to me, "Just like any married couple."  So true.  Once we had the same facts and the same terms, we agreed quickly because both of us were somewhat correct, and together we were totally correct.

Like most of the people we see here in the Trenches, my friend and I each assumed that we were operating from the same set of facts and the same definition of terms when we had our conversation.  What happens with our clients, however, is they get into a heated discussion about whose position is right.  They are so invested in not being wrong, that they never stop to consider that they may be having two entirely different conversations.  Why didn't my friend and I do that?  Why didn't we devolve into a heated debate at cross purposes to each other? In a word, trust.  We trust each other.  That's huge.  As Stephen Covey used to say, trust takes a lifetime to build, and a second to destroy.  All those deposits you make in someone's trust bank can be gone in a second with one act of betrayal.  My friend and I have never made a withdrawal from our trust bank; most of our clients' trust banks are overdrawn.  A lifetime of little betrayals erodes even the biggest deposits of trust.  When the bank account is empty, those folks are in our offices as high conflict cases.  They're with us because they are no longer able or care enough to make sure they are operating from the same facts and terms.  They are too hurt to back up, regroup and try again. Compromise feels like loss. Pain makes their rational selves take a holiday.  Now, to be sure, some of our client really shouldn't be married.  I wonder, though, how many would still be married if they took the time and put in the effort to ensure they understood what their spouse was saying to them.  I know, that takes time most people don't have, with work and children and running around.  It probably takes a lot of work with a skilled therapist or mediator to start to put the money inthe trust bank rather than continuing to overdraw it. Still, I wonder.....Here in the Trenches.