What if a Lawyer Were Vulnerable?

I am sure I have mentioned before that I am a huge fan of Dr. Brene Brown.  I especially love her work on vulnerability.  Permission to be vulnerable is very unusual in the Trenches.  It's not OK for divorcing spouses to be vulnerable.  It's certainly not OK for their attorneys to be vulnerable.  After all, if we're vulnerable, the other side will take advantage of us.  They will leverage our vulnerabilities to their advantage and we will lose.  Or will we?  You know I have a story to tell.

I entered a case late in the game.  The parties had already been in court, off and on, for many years.  The father had his story and the mother had hers.  Dad's attorney is someone I have known for years and respect greatly.  Mom fired her attorney and hired me.  To say that there was already a tone to the litigation would be an understatement.  My client couldn't stand the other attorney, and in the only mediation session we had after I entered the case, I could see why.  Everyone was entrenched, not only in their positions, but in their emotional investment in the cause.

The other attorney and I tried to talk.  I realized immediately that everything I was saying was being taken exactly the way I didn't want it to be.  I stopped and took a breath.  Then, I apologized.  I told the other attorney how sorry I was.  I was sorry that my tone was adversarial.  I was sorry my choice of words compounded the message.  I told her I didn't mean it that way, because I really thought we could help these clients settle their case, and would it be OK if we backed up and I started again.  She was fine with that.  The thing is, my being vulnerable and telling her I blew the interaction set the stage for all of our other conversations.  We kept stopping and checking in to make sure we were not being misunderstood and that we were not giving the wrong impression.  My vulnerability enabled her to be vulnerable too.  We settled that case in a way that makes me proud of what I do. We could never have done it without letting down our guard, understanding what was happening, and dealing with it.  Then, we could get down to what we needed to do, trusting that the other was with us on the same journey.

We tell ourselves stories about whether being vulnerable is safe.  Is it worth the risk?  What happens if we're vulnerable and we're ridiculed or taken advantage?  Before Dr. Brown and this case, I might not have taken the risk.  It was scary.  I probably won't in every case.  Here, it was with the right person at the right time, and it paid in spades, not only for our clients, but for our relationship as counsel moving forward.  I wonder what it could do for our clients and their ability to progress?  Here in the Trenches.