Tomorrow, my office opens its doors for the new year. As in every new year, there will be a lot of calls from people who have vowed that they will not spend another holiday season with their spouse. Lest you think the folks who call the first week of January are the only ones thinking that way, we get another surge right after the credit card bills from Christmas get paid at the end of the month. For all of you joining us in the Trenches in 2016, here are ten resolutions for you.
1. I resolve to talk to a lawyer, a financial planner and a good family therapist before I tell my spouse I want a divorce. A lot of the people who come through our doors are woefully under-educated in both the divorce process and the realities of post-divorce life. They leap before they look, only to find on the way down that they could and should have done things differently.
2. I resolve to step back and put myself in my children's shoes. Yes, I know you want equal time with your children. I know you miss them when they are not with you. Funny, though, that when I suggest that the children stay in the house and the parents rotate between two residences, clients look at me in horror, as they don't want to feel like a nomad and not have a place that's theirs. Yet, that's what they want for their children, and they are genuinely surprised to realize that. Now, I'm not saying that nesting, as that arrangement is called, is better or worse than any other custodial plan. What I am saying is that parents need to think about divorce from their children's perspective as well and think about how their life might be like.
3. I resolve to look at issues from my spouse's point of view. 98% of all cases settle. Whether they settle early or after the second day of a three day trial often depends on how aware at least one party is about what the other one needs in order to feel successful. I know, the last thing you want to do is think like your spouse, but your future, not to mention the amount of your legal fees, depends on it.
4. I resolve to take the high road. Just because your spouse is hiding the ball, talking trash to the neighbors or denigrating you to your children, doesn't mean you have to do it. Life is a marathon, not a sprint. All of that bad karma comes back, as does the good. Your children, neighbors and friends will learn the truth, and they will appreciate that it wasn't you who pointed it out. You'll find what you need to find, and what you can't find, you'll accept. Momma was correct that two wrongs don't make a right.
5. I resolve to take a breath before I do anything "for the principle of the thing." As a trial lawyer, I hate the principle of the thing. Sure, it always earns me more money, but my clients are rarely happy with the results, because the principle of the thing is rarely tangible. It's a lot of money to spend just to make a point. You need to make sure the point is worth the cost.
6. I resolve to take an active role in my divorce. I have said it before, and I will say it again (and again) - it's not my life. It's yours. If you want your post divorce life to be successful, you really should take an active role in molding it. Otherwise, your post divorce life will look the way I want it to look. I hope you like it.
7. I resolve to choose the divorce process that best meets my needs. If you don't know by now that process determines outcome, please reread this post.
8. I resolve to choose a lawyer whose approach to divorce and values mirror mine. We are truly like dogs and their owners. In a successful relationship, we will mirror each other. In an unsuccessful one, we will be at cross purposes. Certainly, I can advocate for whatever position you wish, so long as it's sustainable by the facts and the law, and I'll be successful doing it. If it goes against my approach to divorce or my values, we may spend a lot of time discussing what you want me to do and why, and perhaps at that point, your funds and time may be better spent with another lawyer, one who meshes better with you.
9. I resolve to take responsibility for my own decisions. I didn't pick your spouse; you did. I didn't have children with your spouse, amass assets or debts with them. In other words, I didn't create the situation you are in. I didn't create the court system. I didn't make the rules: I play within the system. It's my job to help you move forward. I will help you develop options, weigh the options, and negotiate an agreement. I can't do it alone. I need your help. Ultimately, with my help, you need to make a decision. I want you to be fully informed when you do that. If it turns out your decision didn't work out as you hoped, then it is your responsibility - mine was to advise you fully so you could make the best decision possible under the circumstances.
10. I resolve to take care of myself. Life in the Trenches is stressful. Stress affects people in different ways. Maybe you need to talk to a professional therapist. Maybe you need to reconnect with your faith. Maybe you need to exercise more. What about a massage? Whatever it takes for you to be the best you possible.
Happy New Year. Here in the Trenches.
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