10 Dos and Don't for Being a Better Client

There are weeks when I love my job; and there are weeks when it takes an entire weekend to recover. As you all know, I love reading blogs.  I must have 25-30 I read on a regular basis.  Some of them are law related, and some are not.  The law management related ones periodically list things that lawyers ought to do to maintain client satisfaction.  I try to follow those; although I am not always successful, I keep plugging away, because I would like to be my clients' bright spot in their divorce journey.

What I realize as I read blog after blog, is that there are plenty of opportunities out there for clients to complain about lawyers, and there are tons of blogs as to how we can provide better customer service, but there are precious few blogs out there that help clients be better clients.  I periodically post my dos and don't, and lately, it feels like we need an update.  Here goes.

1.  Do be an active participant in your divorce.  Don't throw it in my lap and tell me to take care of it. Don't drop off the face of the earth.  Don't ignore me.  Without your input, I will negotiate for what works for me and that may not be what works for you.

2.  Don't treat me like the drive through at McDonalds/Burger King/Wendy's.  I can't drop everything every time you call or email.  At any one time, I have 20-30 active clients, all of whom need my help, but not all of whom have issues that are time sensitive.  After all of these years in the Trenches, I'm pretty good at figuring out what is and isn't an emergency.  I will get back to you in a timely manner, I promise, and rest assured, when you have an emergency, you are at the top of my list.  When everything is an emergency, eventually nothing is.  Do remember that.

3.  Do what I ask you to do.  When I ask you to do something, it's because I need you to do it in order for me to do my job.  I don't make up tasks simply to keep you busy.  When I don't hear from you, and don't receive anything from you when I've asked, I figure you're not doing what I've asked.  Don't then turn around and tell me I'm not doing my job when your inaction has made that impossible.

4.  Don't expect your failure to plan to become my emergency.  If you didn't realize Christmas was December 25, or July 4 was on....well, July 4, until the day before, don't think that I can work a miracle and save your holiday plans.  Similarly, if you refused to plan, refused to listen to my advice to plan, and everything goes to hell in a hand basket, don't think I can fix that in a New York minute either.

5.  Do make time for me.  I know you're busy living your life.  I don't really ask for much of your time, but when I need it, I need it. I need you to make time to prepare for mediation and to prepare for court.  Don't simply show up on the day of mediation and wonder why nothing gets accomplished; or come to trial unprepared and wonder why things don't go your way.

6.  Do come to terms with reality.  Even if you didn't want the divorce, if your spouse does, it is going to happen.  If you want to be friends with your ex and she doesn't, it's not going to happen.  Don't let your fantasy of getting back together or being that couple who remains friends after divorce get in the way of your making sure you will be OK post divorce.  Don't give away the farm so she doesn't get angry or refuse to make a decision so it will never end.  A good therapist is invaluable.

7.  Don't expect me to act out your revenge fantasy.  Yup, flip side of #6.  Your divorce is one of the hundreds I have handled.  It will be over and you will leave me.  My relationship with other attorneys and with the court will live on.  I've worked really, really hard to cultivate good relationships with all of them, and that is to your advantage.  If we all play nice in the sandbox, you get more of what you need because the other side is more motivated to work out a win/win with someone they like.  Judges also are more likely to believe an attorney whose arguments are grounded in reasonableness and who are trustworthy with the court.

8.  Do say "thank you" every once in a while.  I know we're doing our jobs, but we're people too.  We pour our hearts and souls into you and your case.  We lose sleep over what happens to you.  We work really hard for you, and not just because it's our jobs.  It feels good to be appreciated.

9.  I've also noticed that the clients who don't do #8, don't do this one.  Do pay me.  I know it's expensive.  I try hard to keep your costs down. I depend on your payment to pay my rent, my paralegals and for my Puppy Boy.  When I don't get paid, those expenses still need to be paid.  I know money can get tight, but at least call me.  Tell me what's going on.  Let me know when and how much you can pay me.  I'm human; we'll work it out.  When you don't pay me and don't call me to work it out, I figure you don't appreciate what I do and that you have no intention of paying me.  That's the surest way to lose your lawyer and get sued for fees.  So, do pick up the phone.

10.  Don't kill the messenger.  I didn't marry your spouse.  I didn't have children with them.  I didn't buy a house at the height of the market.  I didn't fail to save for retirement.  I can only work with the facts I'm given.  There's only so much I can do with them.

Thanks for listening  to me.  Here in the Trenches.

10 Dos and Don't for Being a Better Client

There are weeks when I love my job; and there are weeks when it takes an entire weekend to recover. As you all know, I love reading blogs.  I must have 25-30 I read on a regular basis.  Some of them are law related, and some are not.  The law management related ones periodically list things that lawyers ought to do to maintain client satisfaction.  I try to follow those; although I am not always successful, I keep plugging away, because I would like to be my clients' bright spot in their divorce journey.

What I realize as I read blog after blog, is that there are plenty of opportunities out there for clients to complain about lawyers, and there are tons of blogs as to how we can provide better customer service, but there are precious few blogs out there that help clients be better clients.  I periodically post my dos and don't, and lately, it feels like we need an update.  Here goes.

1.  Do be an active participant in your divorce.  Don't throw it in my lap and tell me to take care of it. Don't drop off the face of the earth.  Don't ignore me.  Without your input, I will negotiate for what works for me and that may not be what works for you.

2.  Don't treat me like the drive through at McDonalds/Burger King/Wendy's.  I can't drop everything every time you call or email.  At any one time, I have 20-30 active clients, all of whom need my help, but not all of whom have issues that are time sensitive.  After all of these years in the Trenches, I'm pretty good at figuring out what is and isn't an emergency.  I will get back to you in a timely manner, I promise, and rest assured, when you have an emergency, you are at the top of my list.  When everything is an emergency, eventually nothing is.  Do remember that.

3.  Do what I ask you to do.  When I ask you to do something, it's because I need you to do it in order for me to do my job.  I don't make up tasks simply to keep you busy.  When I don't hear from you, and don't receive anything from you when I've asked, I figure you're not doing what I've asked.  Don't then turn around and tell me I'm not doing my job when your inaction has made that impossible.

4.  Don't expect your failure to plan to become my emergency.  If you didn't realize Christmas was December 25, or July 4 was on....well, July 4, until the day before, don't think that I can work a miracle and save your holiday plans.  Similarly, if you refused to plan, refused to listen to my advice to plan, and everything goes to hell in a hand basket, don't think I can fix that in a New York minute either.

5.  Do make time for me.  I know you're busy living your life.  I don't really ask for much of your time, but when I need it, I need it. I need you to make time to prepare for mediation and to prepare for court.  Don't simply show up on the day of mediation and wonder why nothing gets accomplished; or come to trial unprepared and wonder why things don't go your way.

6.  Do come to terms with reality.  Even if you didn't want the divorce, if your spouse does, it is going to happen.  If you want to be friends with your ex and she doesn't, it's not going to happen.  Don't let your fantasy of getting back together or being that couple who remains friends after divorce get in the way of your making sure you will be OK post divorce.  Don't give away the farm so she doesn't get angry or refuse to make a decision so it will never end.  A good therapist is invaluable.

7.  Don't expect me to act out your revenge fantasy.  Yup, flip side of #6.  Your divorce is one of the hundreds I have handled.  It will be over and you will leave me.  My relationship with other attorneys and with the court will live on.  I've worked really, really hard to cultivate good relationships with all of them, and that is to your advantage.  If we all play nice in the sandbox, you get more of what you need because the other side is more motivated to work out a win/win with someone they like.  Judges also are more likely to believe an attorney whose arguments are grounded in reasonableness and who are trustworthy with the court.

8.  Do say "thank you" every once in a while.  I know we're doing our jobs, but we're people too.  We pour our hearts and souls into you and your case.  We lose sleep over what happens to you.  We work really hard for you, and not just because it's our jobs.  It feels good to be appreciated.

9.  I've also noticed that the clients who don't do #8, don't do this one.  Do pay me.  I know it's expensive.  I try hard to keep your costs down. I depend on your payment to pay my rent, my paralegals and for my Puppy Boy.  When I don't get paid, those expenses still need to be paid.  I know money can get tight, but at least call me.  Tell me what's going on.  Let me know when and how much you can pay me.  I'm human; we'll work it out.  When you don't pay me and don't call me to work it out, I figure you don't appreciate what I do and that you have no intention of paying me.  That's the surest way to lose your lawyer and get sued for fees.  So, do pick up the phone.

10.  Don't kill the messenger.  I didn't marry your spouse.  I didn't have children with them.  I didn't buy a house at the height of the market.  I didn't fail to save for retirement.  I can only work with the facts I'm given.  There's only so much I can do with them.

Thanks for listening  to me.  Here in the Trenches.

Taking Time to Grieve

When my father died, in a moment of intense emotion (all right, insanity is the more correct word), I announced that I would make quilts for 9 family members from Dad's old ties.  There were somewhere in the neighborhood of 180 of them.  I dutifully dragged all of them home, washed them, took them apart, ironed them, ironed stabilizer on them, and then burned out.  Just recently, I picked them up again and decided to take on quilt at a time.  Mom's, of course, is first, and so this weekend, I have been working hard on her quilt.  The top is almost finished.  I'm glad I took the time off, even if it was over a year.  It let me get past the burn out.  I've been having fun with the quilt, looking at the ties and remembering Dad wearing them, remembering the ones that held special meaning for him.  I also remember my Dad.  When I was preparing all of these ties for quilting, I felt overwhelmed and sad.  Now, I smile as I work, remembering him and anticipating the pleasure Mom is going to get from the quilt.

Divorce is like a death, just a bit different.  Certainly, people are sad at the end of a marriage.  They are also angry, hurt, and shamed.  Those last emotions can accomnpany a death as well, but they don't usually.  Even so, I wish more of my clients would treat their divorce like the death of a family member.  Why?  Lots of reasons, but here are five:

1.  They would accept that they need time to grieve, and that the sense of loss doesn't go away overnight.
2.  Even though this is part of #1, they wouldn't jump into a new, serious relationship right away, again, because grief takes time.
3.  They would find a support group or a therapist to help them work through the feelings they have about the end of their marriage and analyze what happened, so they don't end up in my office again.  Anyone who says they need no support group or a therapist during their divorce is kidding themselves.
4.  They wouldn't throw out every reminder of their marriage, especially if they have children.  Hear me out on this one.  Most marriages have some happy times, and there will be a time when they will be able to smile at them.  For those marriages that had no happy times, you need to keep something to remind you of where you've been, at least so you don't go back there again.
5.  They wouldn't make major changes in their lives, other than the obvious, for at least a year.  I can't tell you the number of people who have bought a new house during or right after their divorce, only to find it doesn't suit a year later.

A Man and His Dog Walk Into a Hotel.....

Last week, I was visiting family in Ohio.  I happened to be in Canton around the time of the Hall of Fame induction.  I met a really interesting man who was in town for his buddy's induction.  (In case you're wondering, his buddy is Brett Favre). We started talking, and he showed me pictures and videos of his family (aren't smartphones amazing?) - a lovely wife, seven beautiful children and two dogs.  Yes, I said seven children - all 13 years old and younger.  The pictures he showed me were of a happy and close family group.  He told me proudly that they all sit in the front pew at church every Sunday, and they all behave beautifully.  He wanted to tell me how that was possible.  So, he told me about his dog.

You see, he had a dog from the time he was a junior in college, through the births of a number of his children.  When he first got the dog, he worked with a trainer.  The trainer told him that even though being strict with his dog would feel hard, providing the dog with rules and boundaries would allow him to feel safe and secure.  In point of fact, knowing the boundaries allowed his dog to relax and focus on just being a dog.  Positive reinforcement is a wonderful thing, and the dog and owner trained each other.  Fast forward to when his first son was two years old.  My acquaintance was out in the yard running football patterns with his dog and his son.  The football went into the street; the dog and the boy went after it.  The acquaintance yelled "stop."; the dog stopped, and the boy did not.  Don't worry, a pro football player is faster than a two year old, so his son was fine.  It started this young father thinking, however.  He decided to work on training his children, and establish firm boundaries and expectations just like he did with his dog.  He told me how he worked with them to gently and positively reinforce the behavior he expected.  He let them know the structure he and his wife built for them to live in would keep them safe.  Obviously, it worked.  His children know the boundaries, so they don't have to think about them.  They can concentrate instead on daring their father to try to do back flips on camera, and on dreaming the big dreams in life because they have a safe container from which to operate.

One of the hardest things we do here in the Trenches is to build a safe container for our clients.  Like my acquaintance, we educate our clients about the boundaries of the process they've chosen to resolve their dispute.  We let them know we will help guide them and will keep them moving forward within the process.  We build the trust that lets them know they are safe within those boundaries, and that we will support and advise them as they forge ahead.  If we do our jobs right, our clients trust that we will protect their process.  This frees them up do the hard work of  thinking about what they want to do, where they want to go, and how they might get there  They have the freedom to dream about what might be in their future and to work toward that goal because they know we have their back.  They feel safe - if we've done our job.  Here in the Trenches.