Dos and Don'ts From a Child of Divorce - Guest Blog

Daughter asked me to write a guest post on her fitness blog about the effect strength and balance training had on my running (see my post and her excellent blog here).  After I wrote my post, I took leave of my senses and thought it would be a great idea to have her write a post for my blog about her perspective and experiences as a child of divorce.  No sooner had I hit the send button on my text when I realized the huge risk I was taking.  What if her father and I not only turned her world upside down by divorcing, but we also totally screwed up the aftermath?  To say I was concerned would be to put it mildly.  Still, I promised myself that because she published my entire post without changes, I would do the same for hers.  Without further comment, here are Daughter's thoughts - Here in the Trenches.

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I'm not your average child of divorce. When it was announced to me and my brother that my parents were getting a divorce, a word very common in our household since both parents are family law attorneys, we handled it very differently. My ten year old brother got the news and started crying, a pretty typical reaction, but my five year old mind immediately went "yay! I get two of everything!" As well, not only was my reaction different, but our situation was different. My mother moved away as far as I could ever imagine... just kidding she moved into a house on literally the next street over. Throughout my childhood, until my father moved, I was able to pretty much move freely between the houses if I forgot anything or needed to go over. I'm not sure if it's because of their knowledge of the situation, or just because they were able to handle it well, but my parents were always able to go to back to school night and be in the same room, or go to school events and be civil and say "hi," which definitely helped the strange divide in our family. 

Just because my parents know better doesn't mean they always made the right decisions however. You can know everything in the world, but when it comes to your family, your emotions can cause you to act in ways that you weren't expecting. Your divorce attorney, or best interest attorney, or family friend who's gotten divorced twice and is hoping third time's the charm (fingers crossed!) can tell you everything right, or wrong, but sometimes it still doesn't resonate with you. During my thirteen years as a child of divorce (until i turned 18, then I was technically an adult of divorce but that sounds weird), I've learned the good and bad. Hopefully my experience, one that has virtually no memory of my family together, but also one that has knowledge of divorce and what to do and what not, can help with the hardest parts of divorce.

For the parentals:

Listen to your children. I know that seems like a duh of course I should do that, but I feel like many parents think they're listening, but are doing anything but. When the divorce is fresh, you're scrambling. Scrambling to adjust to your new life, maybe starting a new job, maybe in a new area, so I get it. You have a lot on your mind. But you know who else does? Your child. And if your child is anything like I was, he/she doesn't want to put anymore stress on you or "bother" you with anything until its too late. Too late = (for me) hysterical meltdown complete with incomprehensible sobbing so not really getting that point across anyways. The point of this, at dinner, go for a walk with the dogs, go get your nails did, but talk. Actually talk.

Keep some consistency. I know, you're like come on. You just told me that I'm scrambling to adjust to a new life, how do I keep consistent? It doesn't have to be hard. I'm talking as easy as Sunday night dinners. My father and I consistently went to hockey games. It was something we enjoyed doing together and we could just immerse ourselves in the game. It wasn't a time to talk, just time with my dad. My mother and I went through a rough patch and getting back together, we went and got our nails done every Sunday. I looked forward to those Sundays and it gave my life a bit of structure and it was fun times with my busy as heck momma. 

Have fun. Divorce is hard. It's hard on you, it's hard on your kids, it's hard on teachers who don't know who to send home letters to, it's hard for the mailman who's trying to find you, it's just hard. However, that doesn't mean your life is just a big hole of stress and darkness. You need to find some fun. Like I said in the last tip, I had fun with my parents. We had our own time to enjoy and to destress. My parents were busy. They both had their own businesses, taking people through the process our family was going through, and it took a lot of their time away from me and my brother. The times I remember from my childhood were the few really bad moments, but they were scattered in with really great times with each parent. 

Para los children:

Speak up. My big mouth has gotten me into more trouble than I can even count. However, the reason it's gotten me into big trouble is because I waited too long to say anything. I waited until my distress had built up so much that whenever I opened my mouth it was a huge sobbing/yelling/screaming fit. If I had just talked to my parents about things that were bothering me, instead of thinking I was bothering them with my feelings and shenanigans, it would have saved my household a lot of stress in an already stressful time. 

Be flexible. I know that you're the child and they're the parents and they're supposed to cater to you, but (again) this is a tough time for everyone. The amount of stress and emotion they are under through this whole process has the tendency to cloud judgement and make them a bit strange for a bit. You just need to roll with the punches (not literally and only to a point) and be flexible with how your parents are handling things for a while. Maybe work got in the way of your dance recital, but they sent grandma to record it to watch it later. I know it's not the same, believe me, but you need to realize they are doing their best. And if you feel like they aren't, say something. 

Accept change. I hate change. I'm a huge creature of habit and I don't like my life being uprooted. Maybe that stems from the constant change in my childhood with the family shenanigans, but whatever the reason, I hate change. But when your life is changing the most it could possibly change when you're a kid (aka any time before 18), you can't fight the change. If you do, you're going to be miserable. I know you were used to life as it was, but you need to be flexible and roll with it. Your parents are going to move, they're going to move on aka they're going to meet someone else that isn't your other parent, and the best thing you can do is stay positive that this is a good change and accept it.

The last thing I can say for both sides is that, this is possibly the hardest thing your family will go through. And the most important thing to remember is the love in your family. Just because your parents don't love each other like that anymore, doesn't mean they love you any less. Just because your children are acting out and saying how much they hate you (sorry mom), they don't. They just don't know how to express themselves in this situation. Your family is still your family, no matter what, and just remember the love and remember to love each other.