The last day I posted was the day my beautiful granddaughter was born - three weeks early. Not only that, I was in the midst of a horrible something that had settled in my chest, that made breathing, let alone functioning at an acceptable level, take all of my effort. As I struggled through not knowing if I was contagious still, and being unable to see the little angel until I was sure I wasn't, and then learning all the new ways medical science say we should treat newborns, and finding time to spend with grandma's angel, I thought about everyone in the Trenches.
First, I thought about how it's now a "thing" that people don't disconnect from work when they vacation. I read one article on the internet and one in the Washington Post today that said that people bring their work cell phones and check emails on vacation. We all feel that tug to stay connected 24/7, because we can. As a result, we enjoy fully none of the things we should. I do it. My clients do it too. I resolved to spend an afternoon a week with my angel and her parents, and turn off my cell phone (except for taking pictures, of course). I want to enjoy this experience of my first grandchild and of my son being a parent, and I can't if I don't put my worries about my clients to the side for those few hours I'm with them.
I want my clients to do the same with your worries. I know it's your life we're talking about. I know that there is easily enough to do to keep you fully occupied with your case for all the hours you are not at work. I know you feel like if you don't work on or worry about your case, you feel guilty. I'm giving you permission to unplug, not for every day, but at least once a week. Take a few hours to recharge, to not read about divorce, to not work on your documents, to not talk about your divorce. It will be like you had a mini-vacation. Remember how you feel when you come back from vacation (no, not the part where you wish you could be on vacation every day for the rest of your life)? You feel renewed and ready to tackle what life throws at you. I know I feel that way after my half day with my son and his family. You need it too.
Second, I thought about all of the frustration I felt in being unable to do what I wanted to do while I was sick. I couldn't visit my brand new granddaughter. I couldn't help care for her. I couldn't help my son and his wife with some of the daily chores they were too tired to do. I couldn't run or lift weights or go to yoga. I hated it. I hated not feeling like myself and being able to do what I wanted to do. Isn't that how my clients feel too? Many clients feel depressed, angry and overwhelmed. Many lack the resources to do the things they like to do.
What did I do? Well, I asked mom and dad to send my pictures of the little angel. Bless their hearts, they were religious about it, and I had quite a collection by the time I could visit. They let me know how she was doing. I also embraced my physical recovery period as a message from my body to just stop; I realized that recovery is as important a part of fitness as the workouts themselves and by reframing, I could recover without guilt. You can do the same. Depression and anger are natural parts of the process of grieving loss; and in the Trenches, it's the loss of what was. The only way to get through those parts and get to acceptance is to embrace them as a natural part of the process. Part of that acceptance is accepting that life will change (by the way, life always changes), and adapting to the limitations and realities of your new life. Can you reframe what is happening? Can you find a workaround? Figure out what is most important and why, and I bet you'll come up with a solution.
Third, just as medical "science" changed its tune about what is best for babies in the 5.5 years between my son and daughter, so has it changed numerous times since then. All the rules for babies are different than when I was the mom of a newborn. Our minds become less flexible as we get older, and it's hard to rewire your parent brain to the new rules. What I could "get" easily as a young mother takes more time as a grandmother. It's hard, and frankly, some of the new rules make no sense to me. Still, I am working mightily to deal with the new reality and make it part of me.
Isn't that also what my clients do? The rules of divorce are something you have hopefully never dealt with, and if you have, certain aspects of the law have undoubtedly changed since then. The rules of dating are different. Life as a single is different than life as a couple. You have to adapt to move forward. Otherwise, you're the man in the blue leisure suit or the lady with the bouffant hairdo - out of touch and living in the past. Embrace the change and adapt to it. It will help your recovery, and as a bonus, will help maintain your mind's plasticity. Here in the Trenches.
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