It's Princess Time Again

It's that time of year, when my thoughts turn to......Disney.  It's Princess Half Marathon time.  Many of my friends roll their eyes.  Some cannot understand my passion for Disney (Like my new office rug?  Can you see Minnie Mouse? Wait until you see my finished Disney wall!).  What could I possibly find to do every year?  Why would I want to go back there all the time?  Don't I ever want to go anywhere else?

Just to clarify for all of you doubters, I have travelled extensively and will do more.  It's not that I don't want to see other things in the world.  I like Disney.  Every year that we go to Disney, every time I drive through the archway, my trip is different.  I haven't had the same trip twice yet. But that's not really what you want to know.  What you want to know is why I keep going back. I will answer you, but it might seem a bit round about.

When Disney first opened, my father was not a fan.  He went once and called it the best two trips of his life - the first and the last.  I went a couple of times as a child (I did live in Florida), and then after I had #1 Son, we had Florida resident passes and went multiple times a year.  I know, you understand that, because after all Disney is for children.  Then I moved to Maryland and pretty much stopped going.  I think we went once after Daughter was born.  It wasn't because I didn't love Disney, because I did.  I just had other things that occupied my time and other places to go.

Then Daughter went to school in Tampa, which is only an hour away from The World.  Then Office Testosterone got sick and died.  Daddy was dying slowly from Alzheimers.  Life was hard.  I needed some whimsy in may life, so I decided to run the Disney Princess Half Marathon.  I decided to do it in costume.  Now, you may think running in costume is silly and potentially embarrassing, and if I were running Boston, I'd agree with you.  But this is Disney - everyone runs in costume.  It's kind of like a big Halloween party where everyone runs.  The more elaborate or realistic the costume, the better.  Planning that first costume, I involved Office T before he died.  I had a focus which wasn't the reality of Office T and Daddy.  I was supposed to run with a friend, but she ended up unable to come, so I invited Daughter and my aunt instead.  Here's what happened.

My costume was great.  The race was tough.  My knee was hurt. I had to walk a lot.  But, I stopped and posed for pictures at every. single. character spot along the way.  It took me forever to finish the "race," but I loved it.  The weekend wasn't really about the race, though.  Daughter, aunt and I had a blast.  We went to the parks and saw them through grown up eyes.  We were silly.  We stayed as long as we wanted at attractions.  We ate in nice restaurants.  We had fun.  We were making memories together.  And Disney?  Well, Disney was magical.  The cast members are always courteous and helpful; they go out of their way to make sure your trip is perfect. And if it isn't perfect, they make it right.

The next year, Daddy had died and Mommy wanted to come.  And my cousins.  The group became large.  Our ages went from my daughter at 21 to my mother at 78.  We had a blast again.  The trip was totally different from the first, but we had fun.  More importantly, we had fun together.  Most importantly, we had fun when it wasn't a holiday, with all the stress that entails.  We made happy memories.  We were just spending time together, experiencing life with each other in a whole new way.  We make new special memories every year. Sure, over the years (we're heading into the 8th year now), we have gotten to see each other's quirks and some of those quirks are not really the most endearing.  So what?  It's part of being together.  It's become a tradition.

But why Disney?  Disney is the same place, so it's familiar every time.  It's also a different place every time we go. We haven't done the same things or had the same trip twice.  Sure, we have our favorite restaurants and attractions, but the trip as a whole is different each time.  What is the same is how we feel.  Disney is a happy place.  Disney is a well oiled machine where you know everything will be great, and if it's not, Disney will fix it.  It's a place where, for the most part, people are their better selves, where the cast members treat you as a friendly neighbor and not just another body through the gates.  The food is great and the service is wonderful.  Plus, I love the attractions.

So, that's Disney.  What is most important to those of us here in the Trenches is that my Disney tradition is a fairly recent development.  It didn't exist until 8 years ago.  Life was hard.  Unwanted change was happening.  We needed something to bring us together as a family in a positive way, because there was a lot of negative going on.  We tried something new, something we hoped would be a fun and enjoyable time for all of us.  We didn't know when we started that it was going to be an annual tradition.  We just gave it a whirl.  Here in the Trenches, lots of folks have just finished the holiday season with traditions that don't work anymore, with family relationships that have changed.  They're sad because what they once knew doesn't exist anymore and they have lost people who were a large part of their lives.  As you head into the holidays, you really can't think about how to do anything different.  It's January now, and you have 11 months to re-imagine the holidays.  You have 11 months to plan something new.  Try something different.  Maybe something really different.  Maybe not even on the holiday itself.  It might become a tradition, and it might not.  One thing is for sure, you won't dread the holidays.  You might even find a way to celebrate that you never thought would work but ends up making this year the best holiday season of your life.  You will never know unless you try.  Here in the Trenches.

Rethinking a Fall

Once a winter, like clockwork, I let my concentration lag while running, hit a crack in the sidewalk and go down.  That day was Tuesday.  Luckily, I had time to twist to the side, so I hit grass.  Unluckily, I twisted the opposite hamstring while doing it.  Never mind that I rolled, popped up and announced to my staring neighbor that I was great.  I was not.  I limped home. I’m still limping, which means I’m not running.

I have a race in a month.  Between my sinus surgery, my bronchitis in December, and now my pulled hamstring, I know I will not meet my goal of out-kicking Daughter down the final stretch.  After my 10K in October, where I almost broke an hour, I was really looking forward to continued improvement.  I was stoked to out-kick Daughter next month.  I am disappointed that goal won’t be met.  I could take my running shoes and go home. I could decide it’s not worth running if I can’t meet my goal.  If you know me, you know that’s not what I’m doing.  I’m rethinking my goal.  My new goal is finishing strong.  I’ve told my coaches that needs to be the new goal.  I’m regrouping.  Let’s be clear, regrouping is not giving up. Even though I can’t meet my original goal, I can reach a goal.  My original goal is still there for next year.  

The people who come to me here in the Trenches had goals.  Their goals were to be happily married until death us do part.  Their goals were to be successful coparents in the same house until their children were grown.  Their goals were to be that couple that’s always in sync.  They had lots of goals related to a lifelong marriage or relationship.  That they’re in my office means they didn’t meet those goals.  The reason they didn’t meet them doesn’t matter.  What matters is that those goals are now unattainable.  It’s OK for them to be disappointed.  It’s not OK for them to be stuck.  

People think that all that those of us do here in the Trenches is resolve the legal issues of divorce.  That’s what some of us do.  Most of us, however, work really hard to help our clients see past their time in the Trenches.  We help them create new goals and visions for their future lives.  We help them see what goals are possible and what are not.  Their happily ever after isn’t there the day they walk into our offices.  If we’re doing our jobs, though, our clients have vision for new goals and how to attain them when they walk out.  Here in the Trenches.

Coffee Cuddles Revisited

Last week I posted on Instagram about my morning grounding ritual with my puppy.  If you didn't see it, I said that every morning when I get up, the first thing I do is get my cup of coffee and curl up on the couch with my puppy for morning cuddles.  It's that quiet time where Puppy and I share some love and have a few moments to collect our thoughts before we start the day.  No matter how crazy the ensuing day becomes, I have these few moments of calm reflection to anchor and sustain me.  I asked my followers what they did to ground themselves for the day.  Daughter and one other person answered.  So I thought that's that.  Except it wasn't.

I went to a meeting last night with my friends here in the Trenches.  Three of them came up to me and told me that they read my post and that have their own versions of coffee cuddles. Two did it with their dogs and one with her dogs and kids.  You should have seen the looks on their faces as they talked about their coffee cuddles.  They smiled.  Their eyes lit up.  They got that wistful tone to their voices.  Coffee cuddles was an important part of all of their lives.  It seems like such a little thing, but it's not.

There's stress in the Trenches, whether you work here or are just visiting.  Self care is important in either case, and it is especially necessary when you're life is otherwise out of control.  If you're visiting the Trenches, it's essential you find something that grounds you and makes you smile.  I know it's hard, but it doesn't need to be something big, just something for you.  Here in the Trenches.

The Simpler, the Better

Sometimes, the simplest solution is the best.  I had a problem.  Every time I would try to work out, b darling puppy, Max, would use it as an opportunity to give my ear a "Wet Willy", wash my glasses and jump on my legs.  To distract him, I bought dog chews which didn't interest him long enough, and intricate dog puzzles which did not keep him busy long enough.  I despaired of getting through my exercises without his help for the rest of his long life.  Then I found "the ball." It is a simple contraption in which you insert treats, and as he rolls the ball along the floor, the treats eventually drop into a chamber and then as the rolling continues, onto the floor, where he eats them.  $12 and my problem is solved.  He loves it and can chase it around the floor for up to an hour.  It's magic. Why didn't I think of it in the first place?  Because I thought it was just too easy and that the solution had to be more complicated.

A lot of times here in the Trenches, folks think the solution has to be something really involved or complicated.  Heck, sometimes those of us who work here think that as well.  They think of complicated ways to share access with their children and convoluted ways of dividing assets or expenses. Sometimes, like I said, they drag the professionals with them. Sometimes the professionals do the dragging.  Then, at the end of the day, someone is brave enough to say "Let's back this up."  They throw everything out and look at the situation with fresh eyes.  Then, the solution usually becomes clear and it is almost always simpler that with what they started. Sometimes that moment doesn't come until there have been years of struggle, but hopefully it happens early on. I only struggled with my puppy's help exercising for a couple of months.  Life is complicated enough; navigating it shouldn't be too.  Here in the Trenches