The first Day of Daylight Savings Time

Daylight Savings Time kicks my butt every year.  I hate losing the extra hour of sleep.  I always plan to get to bed extra early the night before, and either that doesn't happen, or I end up tossing and turning for hours. This year, I also managed to have an earache.  I woke up exhausted.  I had a headache and an earache and felt generally awful.  The problem is, I still had my morning 7:30am walk with a friend, followed by meeting Max's walking expectations.  Then, there was my weekly yoga class at noon.  Tomorrow morning, I have to be up at 5 and out the door by 6 to babysit my granddaughter. Life doesn't stop just because Daylight Savings Time is getting the best of me.

Divorce is kind of like Daylight Savings Time.  Most people, if they're really honest with themselves. know in a small corner of their minds that their marriage is ending. Maybe they plan for it a bit, maybe they don't.  It comes all the same.  It kicks their butts, and knocks them down.  Life, however, goes on.  There's still work to be done, children to be cared for, and relationships to maintain.  Life doesn't stop just because there's a divorce.

In past years, I would power through the first day of Daylight Savings Time.  It wan't going to get the best of me!  So, I dragged myself through the day, doing everything I normally do.  It took me the better part of a week to recover.  Not this year.  Sure, I went for my walks and I went to yoga.  I also took a nap, sat and read a book or two, surfed on social media and laid around petting Max.  (I also took 2 ibuprofen). I acknowledged that today was different than other days and I couldn't treat it like it was the same.  I still did what I needed to do, but I took care of myself for the rest of the day.

When people are getting divorced, somehow they see it as a sign of weakness when they're exhausted, overwrought or just plain sad.  It's kind of a badge of honor that the divorce won't get the better of them.  Or maybe it's that they won't give their ex the satisfaction of knowing that getting divorce affected them.  I understand that desire.  The problem, however, is that divorce can be emotionally and physically draining.  It can also be a long process.  It is guaranteed to exhaust, overwhelm and sadden you.  When you don't acknowledge those facts and actively plan for them by engaging in self care, you could wear out before the end (which could be disastrous and lead you to agree to a bad settlement just to be done), not be in a frame of mind to settle (which could lead to an unnecessary trial or bypassing a good settlement) or take far longer to recover (and in the meantime, those near and ear to you suffer).    Self care is not being self-indulgent; it's simply good sense.  Here in the Trenches.

Memories Matter

#1 Son and my Daughter in Love gave me a ticket to join them to see DIsney on Ice with their family as my holiday present.  I am certain it would not be the ideal holiday gift for many of you.  For me, it was the perfect present.  I love Disney, so you would think that was the reason it would appeal to me.  That’s not it.  It was the experience.  As far as I know, this was Granddaughter’s first live show.  It involved Disney princesses, which is a bit of an obsession with her right now.  I got to be with her as she experienced one of her “firsts,” and it involved something we both love.  Beyond that, it was beyond value that #1 Son and Daughter in Love wanted to share that first with me.   It was magical for all of us to watch her face as she saw her favorite characters come to life.  It was an out of this world experience to see her dance to the music and sing along with the songs.  She was so excited to have all of us with her. I will never forget that night.  The gift was priceless.  

Another gift #1 Son and Daughter in Love have given me is the opportunity to spend Monday mornings with Granddaughter. We are alone together every Monday her parents are working from 7am until 10am, when we are joined by the other Gaga.  We play games that are different than anything she does with anyone else, just like what she does with Mommy and Daddy and the other Gaga and Papas are different.  They’re our thing.  We spend Mondays making memories and sharing love.   I bring her nothing except me and pumpkin pancakes.

So often when families go through a divorce, money is tight and parents can’t afford to buy their children the things they ordinarily would have. Even worse, in some cases, one parent has the money to buy those things and does, and the other parent doesn’t.  When money is tight, parents worry that their children will suffer.  They worry that their children’s memories will be ones of deprivation.  They worry that the children will prefer the parent with money that’s being spent on them.  They worry that giving their children time with them isn’t enough.  I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, parenting is not a sprint; it’s a marathon.  Sure, in the short run, the parent with the most bling may be the preferred parent.  In the long haul, however, what children have left are memories.  Things don’t build memories; people and experiences build them.  Don’t worry about the cost - a board game, hide and seek, building a snowman, and reading stories all cost nothing but mean everything to your child.  Here in the Trenches.

It's Princess Time Again

It's that time of year, when my thoughts turn to......Disney.  It's Princess Half Marathon time.  Many of my friends roll their eyes.  Some cannot understand my passion for Disney (Like my new office rug?  Can you see Minnie Mouse? Wait until you see my finished Disney wall!).  What could I possibly find to do every year?  Why would I want to go back there all the time?  Don't I ever want to go anywhere else?

Just to clarify for all of you doubters, I have travelled extensively and will do more.  It's not that I don't want to see other things in the world.  I like Disney.  Every year that we go to Disney, every time I drive through the archway, my trip is different.  I haven't had the same trip twice yet. But that's not really what you want to know.  What you want to know is why I keep going back. I will answer you, but it might seem a bit round about.

When Disney first opened, my father was not a fan.  He went once and called it the best two trips of his life - the first and the last.  I went a couple of times as a child (I did live in Florida), and then after I had #1 Son, we had Florida resident passes and went multiple times a year.  I know, you understand that, because after all Disney is for children.  Then I moved to Maryland and pretty much stopped going.  I think we went once after Daughter was born.  It wasn't because I didn't love Disney, because I did.  I just had other things that occupied my time and other places to go.

Then Daughter went to school in Tampa, which is only an hour away from The World.  Then Office Testosterone got sick and died.  Daddy was dying slowly from Alzheimers.  Life was hard.  I needed some whimsy in may life, so I decided to run the Disney Princess Half Marathon.  I decided to do it in costume.  Now, you may think running in costume is silly and potentially embarrassing, and if I were running Boston, I'd agree with you.  But this is Disney - everyone runs in costume.  It's kind of like a big Halloween party where everyone runs.  The more elaborate or realistic the costume, the better.  Planning that first costume, I involved Office T before he died.  I had a focus which wasn't the reality of Office T and Daddy.  I was supposed to run with a friend, but she ended up unable to come, so I invited Daughter and my aunt instead.  Here's what happened.

My costume was great.  The race was tough.  My knee was hurt. I had to walk a lot.  But, I stopped and posed for pictures at every. single. character spot along the way.  It took me forever to finish the "race," but I loved it.  The weekend wasn't really about the race, though.  Daughter, aunt and I had a blast.  We went to the parks and saw them through grown up eyes.  We were silly.  We stayed as long as we wanted at attractions.  We ate in nice restaurants.  We had fun.  We were making memories together.  And Disney?  Well, Disney was magical.  The cast members are always courteous and helpful; they go out of their way to make sure your trip is perfect. And if it isn't perfect, they make it right.

The next year, Daddy had died and Mommy wanted to come.  And my cousins.  The group became large.  Our ages went from my daughter at 21 to my mother at 78.  We had a blast again.  The trip was totally different from the first, but we had fun.  More importantly, we had fun together.  Most importantly, we had fun when it wasn't a holiday, with all the stress that entails.  We made happy memories.  We were just spending time together, experiencing life with each other in a whole new way.  We make new special memories every year. Sure, over the years (we're heading into the 8th year now), we have gotten to see each other's quirks and some of those quirks are not really the most endearing.  So what?  It's part of being together.  It's become a tradition.

But why Disney?  Disney is the same place, so it's familiar every time.  It's also a different place every time we go. We haven't done the same things or had the same trip twice.  Sure, we have our favorite restaurants and attractions, but the trip as a whole is different each time.  What is the same is how we feel.  Disney is a happy place.  Disney is a well oiled machine where you know everything will be great, and if it's not, Disney will fix it.  It's a place where, for the most part, people are their better selves, where the cast members treat you as a friendly neighbor and not just another body through the gates.  The food is great and the service is wonderful.  Plus, I love the attractions.

So, that's Disney.  What is most important to those of us here in the Trenches is that my Disney tradition is a fairly recent development.  It didn't exist until 8 years ago.  Life was hard.  Unwanted change was happening.  We needed something to bring us together as a family in a positive way, because there was a lot of negative going on.  We tried something new, something we hoped would be a fun and enjoyable time for all of us.  We didn't know when we started that it was going to be an annual tradition.  We just gave it a whirl.  Here in the Trenches, lots of folks have just finished the holiday season with traditions that don't work anymore, with family relationships that have changed.  They're sad because what they once knew doesn't exist anymore and they have lost people who were a large part of their lives.  As you head into the holidays, you really can't think about how to do anything different.  It's January now, and you have 11 months to re-imagine the holidays.  You have 11 months to plan something new.  Try something different.  Maybe something really different.  Maybe not even on the holiday itself.  It might become a tradition, and it might not.  One thing is for sure, you won't dread the holidays.  You might even find a way to celebrate that you never thought would work but ends up making this year the best holiday season of your life.  You will never know unless you try.  Here in the Trenches.

The Simpler, the Better

Sometimes, the simplest solution is the best.  I had a problem.  Every time I would try to work out, b darling puppy, Max, would use it as an opportunity to give my ear a "Wet Willy", wash my glasses and jump on my legs.  To distract him, I bought dog chews which didn't interest him long enough, and intricate dog puzzles which did not keep him busy long enough.  I despaired of getting through my exercises without his help for the rest of his long life.  Then I found "the ball." It is a simple contraption in which you insert treats, and as he rolls the ball along the floor, the treats eventually drop into a chamber and then as the rolling continues, onto the floor, where he eats them.  $12 and my problem is solved.  He loves it and can chase it around the floor for up to an hour.  It's magic. Why didn't I think of it in the first place?  Because I thought it was just too easy and that the solution had to be more complicated.

A lot of times here in the Trenches, folks think the solution has to be something really involved or complicated.  Heck, sometimes those of us who work here think that as well.  They think of complicated ways to share access with their children and convoluted ways of dividing assets or expenses. Sometimes, like I said, they drag the professionals with them. Sometimes the professionals do the dragging.  Then, at the end of the day, someone is brave enough to say "Let's back this up."  They throw everything out and look at the situation with fresh eyes.  Then, the solution usually becomes clear and it is almost always simpler that with what they started. Sometimes that moment doesn't come until there have been years of struggle, but hopefully it happens early on. I only struggled with my puppy's help exercising for a couple of months.  Life is complicated enough; navigating it shouldn't be too.  Here in the Trenches

How Litigation Compares to Mediation and Collaborative Law

We have had some massive rainfall here in South Florida.  Not only is this much rain out of season, but it is also much more water than the saturated ground can handle.  The above is a picture from one of the neighborhoods I run through while I’m down visiting Mom.  Running long distances gives me time to think, and as I ran by all this water, I thought of the Trenches.  Specifically, I thought about how all of this water relates to choosing a process for your divorce.

Divorce is a time when people are flooded with emotion.  The flood is unexpected and unwanted because the emotions are largely negative.  Yet, folks are expected to make decisions which will govern the rest of their lives while all of these feelings swirl in their minds.  I don’t know if you can see it in the picture, but there’s a car in the driveway to the left.  I’m imagining the driver coming out of the house to go somewhere NOW, and being faced with driving through all of that standing water to get out.  The driver doesn’t know what’s under the water, whether it’s safe, whether the car will be swamped.  What they do know is that they have to be somewhere now and they have to use that car to get there.  That’s what litigation feels like.  It feels like having to make huge, important decisions under the pressure of time and without the luxury of gathering any last minute information necessary to make an informed decision, and often without having any control over the outcome.  Settlements often occur on the eve of trial, or a person in a black robe makes the decision instead.  

What if, instead, the driver knew about the water and knew that in a few hour’s or a few day’s time, they had had to be somewhere?  They could wait and see if the water subsided.  They could build a ramp or a bridge over the water.  They could call a friend for a ride.  They could call an Uber, Lyft or taxi.  They could walk.  They could postpone their appointment.  They could call an engineer to advise them.  They could do a lot of things because they would have the time to gather the necessary information, process it and make an informed decision.  That’s what mediation and Collaboration feel like.  They feel like having the time to reflect on what’s important. They feel like spending as much time as necessary to get the answer that’s right for the family.  They feel like being able to ask that one last question to get the one piece of information that will make all the difference to the outcome.  They feel like having the freedom to ask the person with the most pertinent knowledge their opinion. They feel like reality testing possible solutions until they find the one that makes the most sense.

If it were you, what would you rather do?  Here in the Trenches.

The Dog and the Coyote

I came home from work early the other day and decided to take my puppy for a long walk.  As we walked around our local lake, we came across an animal ahead of us who looked like a dog.  There was no owner, and as I looked more carefully, I recognized the coyote who lives in the woods near our home.  The coyote had been coming toward us, but when he saw us, he stopped and turned the other way.  He walked about 20 yards up the path and then stopped again, turned and looked at us.  We, of course, stopped as well.  Then he turned and walked another 20 yards up the path, and repeated his behavior.  Puppy and I decided that we would be brave another day, and turned around and walked the other way.  Had we continued on our chosen path, we didn't know what the coyote would do.  He could have been sizing us up as a threat, or looking at my pup for some lunch.  We decided not to find out because we had the option to turn around and go another way and the time to  take it.  We still had a lovely walk, just not the one we thought we would have.

Many times here in the Trenches, clients walk along the path to separation or divorce and come across obstacles.  Some obstacles are easily identified as harmless or harmful.  Others are not. Often there is another path that avoids the obstacle.  The problem when you're in the Trenches is that emotions often rule.  Some people are so anxious to get out of the Trenches that they don't realize that they have time for a different path. Some people just can't see the other path because of anger, fear or anxiety.  Others don't want to take the other path because they don't want to be inconvenienced or because they are unable to see the other path is acceptable.  Some people take the other path.  Whichever path a client takes will ultimately get them to the end and out of the Trenches, but the result and the feeling about that result may be entirely different depending on the path taken.  Remember there's almost always another path; the question is whether you want to take it.  Here in the Trenches.

An Informed Consumer : The Successful DIvorce Client

What kind of car do you own?  Is it a Kia?  Is it a Hyundai?  Maybe a Mercedes?  What about a Tesla?  Why does any of this matter? They're all just cars, right?  Wrong.  You may think you're just buying a car, but you're not.  You're buying a statement of who you are.  You are buying an experience.  It just happens to look like a car.  The people who think Kias are cool cars are not the people who would always buy a Mercedes.  The folks who drive Teslas are not the ones who buy Hyundais. Mercedes screams luxury and wealth.  Tesla says you're cutting edge as well as environmentally friendly.  Kias are cute but utilitarian cars.  Hyundais are for folks who want a little luxury but not the luxury price tag.  Sales people know this.  They sell the image and the experience that goes with it.  Check out the showrooms for the different car brands if you don't believe me.

Lawyers think they sell legal knowledge.  They think they sell legal expertise.  They think they sell their courtroom experience.  They're wrong.  They sell the process itself.

Most clients assume competence.  You heard me, they assume competence.  That means all the things lawyers think clients are looking for, they assume we already have.  They come into our offices assuming that we know how to solve their problem.  They trust that we know the best way to do that. Here’s what they don’t know.

There are 5 possible processes that a client can use to resolve their problems in the Trenches:  kitchen table negotiations, mediation, collaborative practice, lawyer-to-lawyer negotiation and litigation.  As lawyers, we have an ethical duty to make sure our clients exercise informed consent over which process works for them.  That means we have to describe in detail all 5 processes.  The difficulty is that every lawyer has a preference for process.  Just like the Tesla dealer isn’t going to tell the customer that a Prius is also environmentally friendly at a much lower price tag, or a Mercedes dealer won’t talk about how luxurious a Hyundai Genesis is, so a lawyer who likes to litigate is going to skew toward emphasizing litigation over mediation.  Those same lawyers will downplay the value of collaborative practice.  Likewise, lawyers who love collaborative practice will emphasize the benefits of that process over litigation or mediation.  Clients trust us, so they follow our lead about the choice of process and rarely ask questions.  That might be a mistake, because process determines outcome.  Each of these processes has a different result in terms of experience, cost, future relationship, and even outcome.  Just like there is a type of car for every type of person, there is a type of process that is appropriate for every family.

What does all of this mean for clients?  It means that, just as with everything else, clients need to be well-informed consumers.  Lawyers need to be in less of a rush to suggest process, and educate clients of their process options.  Clients need to insist on being fully informed on the choice of process, which includes the pros and the cons in an even-handed way.  Often, lawyers are afraid to spend an entire appointment doing this important education piece because they don’t think a client would find value in a meeting in which they do not come away with “legal advice” about their problem.  To be sure, there are clients who simply want a solution to their problem and aren’t interested in process choice.  Most of those folks don’t read this blog.  Most clients are completely unaware that their choice of process determines their outcome; once they do, once they know they have a choice as to how they move forward, these clients see that a discussion of process choice is the most important discussion they will have in their family law case.  For them, a discussion of process choice is legal advice.  Most clients are thrilled to know they are not forced to fit their experience into one type of process because they want at least some control over their future.

What kinds of questions should the client ask for each process?  Here are a few:

1.  How much control would I have over the outcome?  Who makes the ultimate decisions?
2.  How much would I be required to participate?
3.  What is the lawyer’s role?  Are there differences in confidentiality and information sharing in the processes?
4.  What if I have trouble communicating to the other party?
5.  How do we gather necessary information?  How can we be sure we have it all?
6.  What happens if the other party isn’t being honest?
7.  Why would I choose one process over another?
8.  What might happen after the end of our case?  What is the likelihood of future issues?  What is the likelihood of resolving future issues?
9.  How does this process help me reach my goals for the future?
10.  What is the lawyer’s preferred method of dispute resolution?  Do they practice all of the processes, or just some?  Why is that - what is their philosophy?  How comfortable are they in each method?
11.  How quickly can each process resolve our issues?
12.  What is the range of costs for each process?  What drives the cost for each process?
13.  How are decisions made in each process?

Know what you’re buying and be an informed consumer.  Here in the Trenches.

Talking About What Matters - The Wound That Heals

Family comes in all shapes and sizes.  Some family, you're born with; some people become family.  Twelve years ago, I became part of a group of people who joined together to teach Collaborative Practice to other professionals.  We were, and are, an interesting group of people.  These folks are amazing.  They are some of the smartest, deepest thinking people I know.  You should see the amazing trainings these folks create - they take your breath away.  OK, I also had a role in creating one or two trainings, but every group of smart folks needs a worker bee like me.

When we started as a group, we had plenty of growing pains.  It looks us all a while to let down our guards (OK, it took me a while to do that).  We got to know each other gradually, over the course of quarterly meetings over the years and multi-day trainings where we ate breakfast, lunch and dinner together.  We became friends and then a family of sorts.  Unfortunately, as wonderful and supportive family can be, it can also be a little bit dysfunctional.

Here's the deal with family.  Over time, the members stop putting the effort into the relationship like they did in the early days. The members forget to tell each other how they feel.  They forget to tell them how much they appreciate them.  They stop talking about the things that matter.  They say thoughtless things that hurt.  The wounded party doesn't feel they can say how they feel and why.  What happens next is that everyone develops their own internal dialogue about the relationship in which they make assumptions about everyone's motivations.  Those assumptions are almost always wrong, but because no one is talking about what matters, the wound festers. Sometimes, that wound is fatal to the relationship when it isn't debrided, cleaned and exposed to the air.

You would think that when a relationship is important enough, people would do anything to repair it. If you ask most people, that's what they would tell you. The problem is that debriding a wound is uncomfortable, painful even.  It also makes them vulnerable.  People don't love pain and they avoid vulnerability at almost all costs.  They especially don't love experiencing it willingly.  So, they avoid it, even if it means a relationship dies.  We see it all the time in the Trenches.  We've had a little bit of that in our training group.  Even though we're collaborative professionals, we're still people, and sometimes we forget to talk about the things that matter too, and recently we discovered that there were things we should have talked about and feelings we should have acknowledged, but didn't.

Once a family gets to that point, they need help to talk about the things that matter.  Most of the time, when they come into the Trenches, they don't get that help.  Instead, the professionals involved erect more walls, create more distance and reopen old wounds.  The family relationship gets worse and not better.  Of course, the family still has to interact, so that's not helpful.  Or perhaps, they decide to no longer interact, ending the relationship, and that's not helpful either.  What if, when a family came into the Trenches, all of the professionals were committed to helping them communicate, to say what needs to be said, and to find a way through the hurt, misunderstandings and move forward with a better relationship into the future?  What if those professionals guided them to reconnect with their common purpose and goals, instead of focusing on the things that drove them apart?  The family would stay together, probably not in the same house, but they would be able to be there to support each other as they move on their separate paths.  That's Collaborative Practice.  So much better than drawing battle lines and staying in armed camps.  It's what our training group is doing with each other because our relationship matters.  Here in the Trenches.

Sometimes, It's Enough to Just Get Out of Bed

After over two years of sinus infections (OK, maybe just the same sinus infection I never overcame), visits to the naturopath, the acupuncturist, the Chinese herbalist, the immunologist,  and the ENT, I finally had sinus surgery 10 days ago.  It was major surgery - general anesthesia and overnight hospital stay.  The blessing and the curse was that I have had no pain. The other interesting thing about may surgery is that it's invisible to the naked eye - no one but me and my surgeon can tell I've had it done, unless I tell you.  Because I have no pain, I think I should be doing better than I am.  Because I can't see a scar, I think the surgery wasn't so serious.  I feel like I should be able to go to work, walk a few miles, do some shopping and housekeeping, and still feel fine.  The reality is I work half a day and need a nap.  I walk a mile or two and lie down for a couple of hours.  I do some housecleaning and have to be careful not to lift anything over 5 pounds, or I feel awful from the strain and I need another nap.  I have to keep reminding myself to cut myself some slack, because, after all, I just had major surgery.  It's hard to remember, but thankfully my body reminds

Grief is a lot like my sinuses.  It's invisible to the naked eye.  Unless the grieving person tells you, or are otherwise aware of the circumstances, you may never know they grieve.  Some days, grief is overwhelming.  Other days, you forget it's there....until it reminds you.  The problem with grief is its invisibility.  Others can't see it either and because they're not experiencing it, they forget it's there too.    After time, you figure you should be feeling better; other people figure you should be feeling better.  Funny thing about "should", all it adds is stress.  Just like my post-op self will feel better when I heal,  you will stop grieving when it's time, and not before.  That may mean never, or that may mean tomorrow.  You can't rush the grieving process.  Here in the Trenches.

Resilience - Not a Dirty Word

Image Credits

Creator:Timothy L. Hale

Credit:U.S. Army Reserve Command

Copyright:Public Domain

Resilience. It can be a good thing.  I know, at least in one of the counties where I try cases, “resilient” is a bad word when it comes to children. I beg to differ.  Resilience is defined by our good friends at Merrimack-Webster as “an ability to recover from or adjust easily to misfortune or change.”  We, of course, don’t want our children exposed to high conflict situations, but it happens, even in intact families.  Even as we don’t want our children to experience adversity, without it a child doesn’t learn how to deal with it or with change.  Most of us would rather our children are exposed to little disappointments in order to become resilient, but that doesn’t always happen; sometimes big and ugly things are on the horizon.  I think we do children a disservice when we don’t teach them resilience, because then they do not become resilient adults.

Resilient adults make good clients Here in the Trenches.  Their minds have a plasticity that allows them to roll with the punches.  They don’t play the helpless victim; they work on strategies to try to solve their own problems.  They know that their time in the Trenches is finite and that there’s a different tomorrow once they leave us.  Not all of my clients are resilient.

Of course, that raises a whole different question, why is it that some people thrive through adversity (and are resilient), and some do not?  Why do two people exposed to the same situation internalize it differently?  I don’t know.  What do those people who thrive have that others don't?  If you aren't naturally resilient, is there any hope of change?

Luckily, the folks at the Mayo Clinic think you can improve your resilience.  Here are their tips:

Tips to improve your resilience

Working on your mental well-being is just as important as working on your physical health. If you want to strengthen your resilience, try these tips:

• Get connected. Build strong, positive relationships with family and friends, who provide support and acceptance. Volunteer, get involved in your community, or join a faith or spiritual community.
• Find meaning. Develop a sense of purpose for your life. Having something meaningful to focus on can help you share emotions, feel gratitude and experience an enhanced sense of well-being.
• Start laughing. Finding humor in stressful situations doesn't mean you're in denial. Humor is a helpful coping mechanism. If you can't find any humor in a situation, turn to other sources for a laugh, such as a funny book or movie.
• Learn from experience. Think back on how you've coped with hardships in the past. Build on skills and strategies that helped you through the rough times, and don't repeat those that didn't help.
• Remain hopeful. You can't change what's happened in the past, but you can always look toward the future. Find something in each day that signals a change for the better. Expect good results.
• Take care of yourself. Tend to your own needs and feelings, both physically and emotionally. This includes participating in activities and hobbies you enjoy, exercising regularly, getting plenty of sleep and eating well.
• Keep a journal. Write about your experiences, thoughts and feelings. Journaling can help you experience strong emotions you may otherwise be afraid to unleash. It also can help you see situations in a new way and help you identify patterns in your behavior and reactions.
• Accept and anticipate change. Expecting changes to occur makes it easier to adapt to them, tolerate them and even welcome them. With practice, you can learn to be more flexible and not view change with as much anxiety.
• Work toward a goal. Do something every day that gives you a sense of accomplishment. Even small, everyday goals are important. Having goals helps you look toward the future.
• Take action. Don't just wish your problems would go away or try to ignore them. Instead, figure out what needs to be done, make a plan and take action.
• Maintain perspective. Look at your situation in the larger context of your own life and of the world. Keep a long-term perspective and know that your situation can improve if you actively work at it.
• Practice stress management and relaxation techniques.Restore an inner sense of peace and calm by practicing such stress-management and relaxation techniques as yoga, meditation, deep breathing, visualization, imagery, prayer or muscle relaxation.

You can become more resilient, and as you do, you are modeling resilience for your children. Children need that every bit as much as they need you to model appropriate conflict resolution.  Take care of yourself. Take care of children.  If you do, you will spend less time and money with me and be more satisfied moving you life forward.  Here in the Trenches.

Cheater, Cheater?

A friend of mine reposted the above photo on her FB wall the other day.  It prompted a lively debate. Some people posted that if you were planning a surprise for your partner, you might delete messages. OK, they have a point, but we all know that’s not what the statement in the photo is about.  To me the operative words are “gotta delete.”  I can think of reasons why I might want to delete messages, for example if I said something unflattering about my partner to another person in a fit of pique at them.  Of course that I couldn’t say whatever I wrote to my partner and that I shared our private business with a third party (who is not my therapist) are entirely other issues, but again, not the point of the statement in the picture.

An individual posted that the statement is  “wrong! They can be harmless but ppl get mad over nothing.  Avoiding a fight is not cheating.”  This person is correct that it’s not cheating.  It’s not.  That said, that you feel you “gotta delete” texts is a huge red flag.  When you have to edit what you say to ward off a pointless fight, that’s a sign of an unhealthy relationship and coercive control.  When your partner is “super jealous,” that is an example of a incomplete emotional development, and again, many times an excuse utilized to exercise coercive control.  This person went on to say that “you know how young men are.”  Uh, no.  My son is a young man, and I would be concerned beyond belief if he engaged in this type of behavior.  I’d be asking whether he had a concrete, articulable reason not to trust his partner, and if not, I’d strongly suggest therapy. That type of behavior is not just boys being boys - it is never excusable.  Staying with someone who acts in this way is also a sign of a need for therapeutic intervention.

Let’s look back at the statement in the picture.  I would add to it that if you delete your call history, talk to someone only in the wee hours of the morning or when your partner isn’t around, you’re already there.  Here in the Trenches what we see time and again are physical affairs that occur after long periods of heavy secret communications.  I understand that you are entitled to have private communications with other people.  Heck, we all are and we do.  I don’t condone your partner demanding to see your text messages (I am drawing a distinction between asking to see them because of prior unfaithfulness and demanding to see them, even with adequate cause).  That behavior’s not appropriate either.  The point of the statement in the photo is that if you feel you have to make sure your partner doesn’t know you are communicating with a certain person, have to make sure that your partner doesn’t see the extent of your communication with a certain person, or have to delete the content of your communications with a certain person, you are being unfaithful to the relationship.  Is it adultery? No, not because you’re not being unfaithful, but because adultery is defined by state law and in all states I know of, requires the physical act of sexual intercourse and marriage.

While we’re talking about being unfaithful, are there other areas of your life you hide from your partner?  My grandma used to cut the tags off clothes she would buy and quickly put them in the back of the closet for a week before wearing them, so that when grandpa would ask her if the dress was new, she could honestly say it had been sitting in her closet for some time.  Grandma’s story was part of the family lore, but it was cheating, not by the time we came along, because by then grandpa knew what she was doing and it was a game, but back when she started it when they had no money and that dress could make a huge difference in their daily lives. Financial cheating is not just embezzling money, buying a new car without discussing it, or withdrawing all of your retirement savings; it’s also the little stuff like hiding the credit card statements or lying about how much something cost.  Sure, you could be like that person on FB and say that it’s just to avoid a fight over something little, but we know in our hearts that’s not true.  We know there’d be a fight because what we did was dishonest, and instead of working on the underlying problem, we chose to lie about it.

Shall we talk parenting?  Of course we shall, because that’s my favorite topic.  How many sitcoms have revolved around something a parent did wrong with the children, which they made worse by lying about it to the other parent?  Here in the Trenches, co-parenting is hard.  it’s hard because we might not have agreed with our partner’s parenting decisions while we were together.  It’s hard because maybe our child was conceived when we didn’t really have a relationship with the other parent, and we ended up having a child with someone with whom we do not share values. It’s hard to say to the other parent that you’re not going to do it their way, explain why, and attempt to come to a compromise, so some people cheat.  They lie about the children’s bedtimes, what they had for dinner, how well they supervised them, whether they checked their homework.  They lie because they know the other parent won’t agree with them or because they have previously agreed not do the very thing they have done.  (Sort of like investing your intimate self with a person who is not your partner when you’ve promised to invest those very things in your partner.).  When you lie like this to the other parent, you are eroding the foundation of a strong co-parenting relationship rather than investing in the hard work necessary to provide your children with the parenting structure they need to thrive.

The lie, the deleting the text, erasing the call history, and cutting off the price tags are not what makes you unfaithful - the realization that you HAVE to do those things means that you know you are doing something that is wrong.  It may not be what I think is wrong or the person next to you thinks is wrong, but it is wrong for you, your relationship or your family.  It is wrong for the continuation of a relationship of trust.  It deprives you of the ability to build a stronger, more effective relationship.  It is cheating.  It is being unfaithful.  Even if you never have a physical affair.  Here in the Trenches.