How Litigation Compares to Mediation and Collaborative Law

We have had some massive rainfall here in South Florida.  Not only is this much rain out of season, but it is also much more water than the saturated ground can handle.  The above is a picture from one of the neighborhoods I run through while I’m down visiting Mom.  Running long distances gives me time to think, and as I ran by all this water, I thought of the Trenches.  Specifically, I thought about how all of this water relates to choosing a process for your divorce.

Divorce is a time when people are flooded with emotion.  The flood is unexpected and unwanted because the emotions are largely negative.  Yet, folks are expected to make decisions which will govern the rest of their lives while all of these feelings swirl in their minds.  I don’t know if you can see it in the picture, but there’s a car in the driveway to the left.  I’m imagining the driver coming out of the house to go somewhere NOW, and being faced with driving through all of that standing water to get out.  The driver doesn’t know what’s under the water, whether it’s safe, whether the car will be swamped.  What they do know is that they have to be somewhere now and they have to use that car to get there.  That’s what litigation feels like.  It feels like having to make huge, important decisions under the pressure of time and without the luxury of gathering any last minute information necessary to make an informed decision, and often without having any control over the outcome.  Settlements often occur on the eve of trial, or a person in a black robe makes the decision instead.  

What if, instead, the driver knew about the water and knew that in a few hour’s or a few day’s time, they had had to be somewhere?  They could wait and see if the water subsided.  They could build a ramp or a bridge over the water.  They could call a friend for a ride.  They could call an Uber, Lyft or taxi.  They could walk.  They could postpone their appointment.  They could call an engineer to advise them.  They could do a lot of things because they would have the time to gather the necessary information, process it and make an informed decision.  That’s what mediation and Collaboration feel like.  They feel like having the time to reflect on what’s important. They feel like spending as much time as necessary to get the answer that’s right for the family.  They feel like being able to ask that one last question to get the one piece of information that will make all the difference to the outcome.  They feel like having the freedom to ask the person with the most pertinent knowledge their opinion. They feel like reality testing possible solutions until they find the one that makes the most sense.

If it were you, what would you rather do?  Here in the Trenches.

The Value of Coaching

Yesterday, I ran the Tampa Bay Whiskey Run 10k.  I really trained for this race.  I joined a coaching program and followed it religiously.  Sure, there were bumps along the way:  I had twinges in my hips here and there that caused me to take a few days off; I ran some workouts too fast or too hard and needed more recovery.  Even with the bumps, I felt really prepared for the race.  Then, the unexpected happened:  Daughter decided she shouldn’t run because of her lack of training; the weather was much warmer than planned, with no breeze.  I wanted to run the race in under one hour. That didn’t happen. I ran it in 1:00:50.  So close, yet so far.  Still, I’m really pleased.  Why?

I could have been unhappy that I didn’t meet the goal I set for myself.  I could have felt that because I  didn’t meet my goal, all that training was for nothing. Sure, I’m disappointed that I missed my goal by less than a minute.  Let’s look at the positives.  I set a new personal record for that race distance, by six minutes, which is huge.  That means I ran each mile a minute faster than I ever have.  I ran a race under less than ideal conditions, by myself, with no one to talk to and nothing to listen to, and finished strong. I look great in my post race picture (why is it I look better in my workout photos than I do in the ones for which I preen?).  I see the value of the coaching, I didn’t die doing speed and distance work, so I was fit enough to race under adverse weather conditions.  All good things.  I’ll break that one hour mark in the next race.

Here in the Trenches, it’s disappointing when a relationship doesn’t work out. Especially when children are involved, there are a lot of life adjustments that need to be made.  No one thinks it’s ideal to have their children with them less than all the time.  It’s hard to share children with someone with whom you no longer share a life and with whom your values may differ.  There are so many things outside your control, especially what happens at the other parent’s house.  It’s anxiety producing, and heaven knows no one needs more anxiety.  What are parents to do?

Take steps to reduce the anxiety, of course.  In the Trenches, like with my running coaching, that means hard work.  It means thinking about the variables in your children’s lives.  It means having discussions with the other parent.  It means working through your anger and disappointment enough to co-parent with the person with whom you share a child.  It means developing a framework and a process to do that.  Helping you find solutions, coaching you through the process, teaching you to regroup when things don’t go according to plan - that’s our job in the Trenches.

Even though we can all parent, just like we can all run, sometimes you need a professional to help you do it better and more effectively, and to handle life’s curve balls.  Professionals don’t let you take the easy way, when it is not the better way.  They hold you accountable to your higher self, because we all know there are days when we’d rather do what’s easy.  They give you the tools to keep yourself doing what you ought to do, and to be able to regroup when things don’t go as they ought.  They cheer you on when things don’t go well and when things do.  The right professionals are an investment in your children’s healthy future.  Sure, you can do it yourself - for years I ran without a coach.  It was so much better and effective with one, and didn’t cost as much as I thought.  Just a thought.  Here in the Trenches.