Cheater, Cheater?

A friend of mine reposted the above photo on her FB wall the other day.  It prompted a lively debate. Some people posted that if you were planning a surprise for your partner, you might delete messages. OK, they have a point, but we all know that’s not what the statement in the photo is about.  To me the operative words are “gotta delete.”  I can think of reasons why I might want to delete messages, for example if I said something unflattering about my partner to another person in a fit of pique at them.  Of course that I couldn’t say whatever I wrote to my partner and that I shared our private business with a third party (who is not my therapist) are entirely other issues, but again, not the point of the statement in the picture.

An individual posted that the statement is  “wrong! They can be harmless but ppl get mad over nothing.  Avoiding a fight is not cheating.”  This person is correct that it’s not cheating.  It’s not.  That said, that you feel you “gotta delete” texts is a huge red flag.  When you have to edit what you say to ward off a pointless fight, that’s a sign of an unhealthy relationship and coercive control.  When your partner is “super jealous,” that is an example of a incomplete emotional development, and again, many times an excuse utilized to exercise coercive control.  This person went on to say that “you know how young men are.”  Uh, no.  My son is a young man, and I would be concerned beyond belief if he engaged in this type of behavior.  I’d be asking whether he had a concrete, articulable reason not to trust his partner, and if not, I’d strongly suggest therapy. That type of behavior is not just boys being boys - it is never excusable.  Staying with someone who acts in this way is also a sign of a need for therapeutic intervention.

Let’s look back at the statement in the picture.  I would add to it that if you delete your call history, talk to someone only in the wee hours of the morning or when your partner isn’t around, you’re already there.  Here in the Trenches what we see time and again are physical affairs that occur after long periods of heavy secret communications.  I understand that you are entitled to have private communications with other people.  Heck, we all are and we do.  I don’t condone your partner demanding to see your text messages (I am drawing a distinction between asking to see them because of prior unfaithfulness and demanding to see them, even with adequate cause).  That behavior’s not appropriate either.  The point of the statement in the photo is that if you feel you have to make sure your partner doesn’t know you are communicating with a certain person, have to make sure that your partner doesn’t see the extent of your communication with a certain person, or have to delete the content of your communications with a certain person, you are being unfaithful to the relationship.  Is it adultery? No, not because you’re not being unfaithful, but because adultery is defined by state law and in all states I know of, requires the physical act of sexual intercourse and marriage.

While we’re talking about being unfaithful, are there other areas of your life you hide from your partner?  My grandma used to cut the tags off clothes she would buy and quickly put them in the back of the closet for a week before wearing them, so that when grandpa would ask her if the dress was new, she could honestly say it had been sitting in her closet for some time.  Grandma’s story was part of the family lore, but it was cheating, not by the time we came along, because by then grandpa knew what she was doing and it was a game, but back when she started it when they had no money and that dress could make a huge difference in their daily lives. Financial cheating is not just embezzling money, buying a new car without discussing it, or withdrawing all of your retirement savings; it’s also the little stuff like hiding the credit card statements or lying about how much something cost.  Sure, you could be like that person on FB and say that it’s just to avoid a fight over something little, but we know in our hearts that’s not true.  We know there’d be a fight because what we did was dishonest, and instead of working on the underlying problem, we chose to lie about it.

Shall we talk parenting?  Of course we shall, because that’s my favorite topic.  How many sitcoms have revolved around something a parent did wrong with the children, which they made worse by lying about it to the other parent?  Here in the Trenches, co-parenting is hard.  it’s hard because we might not have agreed with our partner’s parenting decisions while we were together.  It’s hard because maybe our child was conceived when we didn’t really have a relationship with the other parent, and we ended up having a child with someone with whom we do not share values. It’s hard to say to the other parent that you’re not going to do it their way, explain why, and attempt to come to a compromise, so some people cheat.  They lie about the children’s bedtimes, what they had for dinner, how well they supervised them, whether they checked their homework.  They lie because they know the other parent won’t agree with them or because they have previously agreed not do the very thing they have done.  (Sort of like investing your intimate self with a person who is not your partner when you’ve promised to invest those very things in your partner.).  When you lie like this to the other parent, you are eroding the foundation of a strong co-parenting relationship rather than investing in the hard work necessary to provide your children with the parenting structure they need to thrive.

The lie, the deleting the text, erasing the call history, and cutting off the price tags are not what makes you unfaithful - the realization that you HAVE to do those things means that you know you are doing something that is wrong.  It may not be what I think is wrong or the person next to you thinks is wrong, but it is wrong for you, your relationship or your family.  It is wrong for the continuation of a relationship of trust.  It deprives you of the ability to build a stronger, more effective relationship.  It is cheating.  It is being unfaithful.  Even if you never have a physical affair.  Here in the Trenches.