General Petraeus's Big Secret

On Saturday, the Washington Post printed a blog entry from Alexandra Petri entitled "How to Have A Secret Affair".  It was delicious, especially for those of us here in the Trenches.  I know Ms. Petri is a comedian and her posts are supposed to be humorous, but this one really hit the mark.  Of course, she was referencing the recent (or not so recent) spate of public figures who seem to think that they can cheat and no one will find out.  In this age of technology, how can anyone think they won't get caught?  Especially when they use online and electronic technology to conduct their affairs.  Truth is, the famous are no different than the rest of us:  it's just that their humiliation is far more public.  The lessons learned from the Petraeus affair should be instructive to all, and thank you to Ms. Petri for so cogently drawing them to our attention.  Here are the rules for having a secret affair:

1.  Don't do it, whether you are famous, infamous or just plain ordinary.

2.  If you must do it, don't be seen in public.  Especially, don't be seen in public holding hands, kissing, snuggling or, heaven forbid, having sex.

3.  No place is ever private.  The deserted footpath, the mountain trail and your own backyard all provide hiding places for industrious private investigators.  You don't need to worry about the guy riding by on his bike as much as the guy you can't see.

4.  Don't use cell phones to call each other.  Cell phones have logs.  Even if the phone company doesn't bill you by the call, they keep records.  "Untraceable" throw away phones really aren't.

5.  Don't send emails.  Again, they can be traced and intercepted, especially if you used your date of birth or your children's names as passwords.  Anything witty you might say in an email won't sound so great read aloud by a bored attorney at your divorce trial.

6.  Don't send pictures of your body parts (and I don't mean your elbow) or of you scantily clothed.  Truly, most of us aren't that attractive fully dressed, let alone naked.  If that doesn't deter you, think how you will feel when those pictures are introduced into evidence in a public trial in an open courtroom.

Of course, if everyone followed all of the above rules, we here in the Trenches would have far less work and fewer clients.  Life here in the Trenches would also be a lot less interesting.  Well, we're not bored and are swamped with work because human nature means most people can't follow "the rules".  That's life - here in the Trenches.