Ah, the Holidays

I've been gone for a few days.  I went home to be with my Mom for Thanksgiving.  It was a tough holiday, the first holiday since my Dad died.  We didn't have a big dinner.  Just "My Cousin Vinny" and Steak Diane.  Christmas will be worse. It was his father's birthday and his favorite holiday.  I had lunch with a friend today.  She's suffered more loss and pain in the past decade than most people undergo in a lifetime.  She lost her husband the same week I lost my Dad.  She spent Thanksgiving with friends instead of family.  She's going on a vacation for Christmas.  We're having new people join our family celebration this year.  The point is, we're both doing the holidays a bit differently this year.  Doing everything the same would be just a painful reminder that Dad's missing.  Not that we need any reminders.  Nor does my friend.  We need a few new memories to ease our way through the holiday season, to make us smile and laugh instead of cry.
And the Trenches?  Well, the holidays are the time of year when families gather.  Because of that, it is the time of year when divorcing people feel the loss of their extended family most keenly.  Thanksgiving at the in laws?  Gone.  Christmas morning with the children?  Only in alternating years.  Your brother in law's daughter?  Never again.  The losses pile up, and most people don't realize what they are until they're gone.  It hurts - a lot.  The nuclear family breaks up and the losses are felt through the extended one as well.  All of the family connections change and the traditions are lost.  Some people spend the holidays mourning what they no longer have.  Others are determined to create new memories.  Is one way more correct than the other?  No.  Everyone deals with loss differently.  What works for one person isn't necessarily right for someone else.  I wouldn't feel right going on vacation instead of being with my family over Christmas.  That doesn't mean my friend's choice is wrong - it's just not right for me.  We all grieve in our own way.  Just because someone else's way isn't yours doesn't make it wrong.   Here in the Trenches.