What Should We Do About the Chicks?

I wrote the following in an email to the lawyers for tthe parents of two children whose best interest the court appointed me to represent:

"My reason for a primary home during the school year is that there is enough stress on the children to perform in school.  Having to move between houses, remember their things and school work, plus doing their after school activities and homework is too much stress for them. Their needs, and not their parents’ ideas of what is fair to the parents, should be paramount. "

Funny enough, shortly affter I sent this, I was speaking with one of the world's great experts on children of divorce - my daughter.  She spent 10 years moving back and forth between my house and her father's.  As I usually do when I contemplate issues relaated to custody, I discussed with Daughter her experiences growing up.  Her response to the above email?  "Exactly!"  She told me how incredibly stressful it was for her to go back and forth.  She said the only saving grace was that her father and I lived only a block apart.  The proximity did not take away the stress of having to move back and forth, but she wasn't sure she could have done it had we lived farther apart.  Come to think of it, when we started living farther apart is when more issues arose.  But I digress.

Daughter and I talked about what would have made her feel less like a nomad.  She had never heard of  'nesting," where the children stay in the home and the parents rotate in and out on a schedule.  She thought it was fascinating and intriguing.  I think I caught a huge note of relief, and dare I say wistfulness, in her voice.  How interesting to have the ones who didn''t want to stay together leave, and the ones they both love stay in one place.  

What did I take away from today's conversation with Daughter?  All too often, when parents divorce, they say they want what is best for the children. I think they really believe it.  The problem is that they don't listen, really listen to their children.  Most children don't want to pack up and move every week, or two or three times a week.  Some don't mind.  Unless the parents talk to and really listen to what their children want, with an open mind, they can't gather all the information necessary to decide what is best for their children.  Divorcing adults want so badly to be away from each other and to have as little to do with each other in the future, that many of them reject out of hand any option that forces them to have continuing, intimate contact with the other until the children grow up.  The pity is that by doing so, they cut off the possibility of arrangements that may actually be what is best for their children.  So, the question remains whether most parents really put their children's best interests first.  What do you think?  Here in the Trenches.