It's Cruel to Be Kind

I never post during trials - never know who's reading, don't you know.  I had trial Tuesday and Wednesday of this week.  We were before a new judge, as in newly made a judge, so I wasn't sure how it would go.  The judge was attentive, asked good questions, and made good rulings during the trial.  When he made his ruling, he tried to be kind.  You know, sometimes being kind is not a kindness.

I know I sound like I've lost my mind, but hear me out.  When this judge gave his opinion at the end of this very difficult child custody case,  he told both the parents that they were good parents.  He said he considered the factors he was required to consider, but he didn't say which ones were important to his decision, just that he followed them.  Then he awarded custody to one of the parents.  I think he came from the right place; I think he thought he was being kind by not telling them exactly why he decided in the way he did.  He wasn't.

In the 20+ years I have worked in the Trenches, it has been my experience that not knowing why a judge makes a decision is worse than knowing the reasons.  It doesn't matter if the reason is that the parent is a terrible parent or if it is simply that they didn't meet their burden of proof.  Giving them the reason is always a kindness.  Otherwise, they always imagine that the truth is worse than it is, no matter what the truth actually is.  They are sure the judge was just being nice when he said they were both good parents; that he was just placating them.  They are positive that the judge thinks they're a horrible parent and that the other parent is wonderful.  They are certain that the other parent is going to capitalize on the judge's opinion of them, and will tell their child they are horrible.  They know they'll lose their child forever.  I can't talk them out of it, even though I am positive that the reason they lost their case is that they had the burden of proof and the facts weren't there for them to meet it.  That's it.  So why couldn't the judge just say that?  It would have been kinder.  They would be sleeping at night.  Here in the Trenches.