One Step At A Time

I attended a mediation training last week.  I was learning a new way of conducting mediations, or as a friend here in the Trenches so aptly put it, "a method to my madness."  During the course of the training, we did role plays.  When I did mine, I felt unsettled, like I didn't know what I was doing.  Everything felt foreign.  I couldn't find a rhythm.  It frustrated me, made my stomach do flip flops.  I got a headache.  This seems to happen every time I learn something new.  As I sat up unable to sleep that night, I reflected on the experience.  It reminded me of a running clinic I took a while back.  I was learning how to do Chi running.  Turns out that in the Chi running world, the only part of my running form that was correct was where my foot hit the ground.  My hips were stiff.  My arms moved in the wrong direction.  My posture was too upright.  The instructor had cures for all my ills and taught them to me.  I felt exactly the same way I did in the mediation training.  My running stance felt ruined.  I knew I would never run right again.  The next morning, I went out for a run.  I concentrated only on moving my arms right.  I did that for a week.  I got the movement down pat.  Then I started on the hips.  Another week went by.  It felt right, so I moved onto my posture.  Another week, and now everything worked well, and together.  Then, I started getting faster. Whew!  Right about when I got myself to this point in my review, I fell asleep, knowing that if I applied the same logic to my mediation training, everything would be all right.

When we work with clients here in the Trenches, we try to to teach them lots of new things.  One of the main things we do is teach them new ways of communicating with their spouse, which includes lots of components.  What mode of communication should they use?  Email, text, phone or in person?  Different situations call for different types of communication and clients have to learn when to use each.  When should they communicate?  What words should they use?  What information should the communication contain?  How long should the communication be?  What tone should they use?  How should they convey the tone?  Most of our clients have been communicating poorly and ineffectively with their spouse for a long time.  Heck, that's probably one of the reasons they're in our offices.  When we try to teach new methods of communication to our clients, they become overwhelmed.  They are sure we're wrong - about their ability to change the way they communicate, and about the difference such a change would make in their interaction with their spouse.  We tell them to be patient, that we will guide them as they work through all the steps.  We cheer them on when week by week, email by email, they try out what we teach them.  And they fail, sometimes on a grand scale and sometimes on a smaller one.  Until one day they don't.  They're successful.  It makes them think that maybe, just maybe, they can learn to manage their finances.  They really can co parent with their spouse.  They'll be able to make ends meet.  They'll find love and happiness again.  One piece falls into place, then another, and before you know it, their case is settled and they are able to go on with their new lives successfully and productively.  It just takes time, effort and patience to learn a new way of doing things.  Here in the Trenches.