My Children Tell Me Everything?

Parents think they know their children.  They're sure they have a close relationship with their children and so their children will tell them what they're thinking and what they want.  They can't understand why anyone would need a child specialist to help them in the collaborative process.  Why would they need a third party to talk to their children to find out what they think about the divorce and where they will live?  What could a third party find out that they don't already know?  Plenty.  The wonderful thing about the child specialist is that they are trained to talk to children in a developmentally appropriate way.  They are also trained in translating what they learn from children to tell their parents in a non-judgmental, non-threatening way.  Parents always learn something they didn't know, and this information helps them help their children and aids them in developing a parenting plan.

You don't believe me?  Consider this.  Mom and I are going to California.  We're going to be near where my adult nephew lives. so we're going to visit him.  One of the things we want to do while we're there is visit the San Diego Safari Zoo Park.  We thought we'd invite my nephew to join us.  My nephew is studying for his Phd.  He's very busy.  His father told us not to ask him; he was really too busy to go to the zoo with us.  He might be too busy with work to do much. We asked him anyway.  He was thrilled to join us.  Why was his father wrong about the trip to the zoo?  Did my nephew lie to him? No.  Do they not have a close relationship?  No, they're very close.  Then why?  Well, it all depends on their conversations.  Maybe when they talk, my nephew talks about how hard he's working and how he has no time for anything.  Maybe he's always wanted to go to the zoo, but the subject never came up.  Maybe he needs a break.  Maybe he's excited for the visit.  Who knows?  The fact is, his father didn't.  Children never tell their parents everything.  They have secrets just like the rest of us.  Sometimes, they don't tell their parents because they don't want to hurt their feelings.  They also don't want to make them mad.  Sometimes they tell each of their parents different stories, because they instinctively know what their parents want to hear, and they want to protect them.  That's natural and normal.  It's also why the child specialist is so helpful in uncovering what the children really think and feel.  Children will tell someone who is not their parent.  This professional is the best person for the job.  In collaborative practice and here in the Trenches.