5 Rules for Communicating with Your Ex

I wrote a post for last week, but decided that it should wait until a later time, then the week got away from me.  To make up for it, I post rules for communicating with your ex.  No part of revamping your relationship is more important than communication.  Maybe you don't need to communicate after your divorce, or maybe you do.  Either way, it's important to know how, when and if to do it.

Let's assume you received an email or text from your ex.  What should you do?

1.  First, think about whether it needs an answer.  Just because someone asks a question doesn't mean they deserve an answer.  What do I mean?  You need to determine whether the questioner wants an answer to the question or simply to get you to engage.  That's right, sometimes, the purpose of a question is not to get an answer but simply to keep you engaged, or to get a rise out of you, or to make you upset.
     How do you figure that out?  First, is it a real question?  "How stupid can you be," although phrased as a question, is not.  "What time are you picking up the kids," is a real question.Those are simple.  Much harder is the question bound up in loaded rhetoric.  It goes something like this:  "You never respected my work. I was always playing second fiddle to you.  Now I need you to watch the kids while I go to work, but I'm sure you won't."  Is there a question there?  Yes.  Does it need to be answered?  Yes, again.

2.  Second, once you determine there's a real question, you need to figure out what it is.   In our last example the question is whether you will watch the kids.  The question is not whether you supported your spouse in their job.  It is not whether you thought your job was more important.  The question in this example is simple.  It's just hidden in a lot of rhetoric.  Sometimes, it's harder to find the question, especially when the rhetoric pushes your buttons.

3.  Third, take a deep breath.  Realize that all the superfluous words are about the speaker and not the listener.  Sure, there may be truth in those words, but unless they are directly related to the question at hand in a way that defines the question, they are not relevant to answering the question.  Focus on answering the question and ignore the rest.  I know, it's easy to say and hard to do.  Do it anyway.  Unless it is a life or death emergency, you have time to calm down and focus on only the question and its answer.

4.  Fourth, answer only the question.  Do not engage in any discussion of anything that does not directly and succinctly answer the question.  Your response should be no longer than 2-3 sentences, and I mean short sentences.  If you are writing a paragraph, or two or three, or even worse, pages and pages of text, you are no longer answering the question.  You are starting an argument.  Don't do it.  The answer to our long question in #1 is either yes or no.  IF you have to say more, ask when and what time.  That's it.  No more.

5.  Fifth, don't send your answer right away.  Save it in your draft folder (that's what it's for).  Go get something to drink, a snack.  Watch a TV show.  Workout.  Then, reread it.  Maybe run it by a friend whose judgment you trust, someone who will not fan your flames.  Once they say it's neutral, answers the question and is not too long, you can send it.

Got it?  Good.  I thank you.  Here in the Trenches.