The Secret to Co-Parenting with an Unreasonable Ex

Disengage.  Here in the Trenches.

No, that's not the entire post, although I wish I could just say "disengage," and everyone would know what I mean and just do it.  My advice does, however, need some explanation.

Every couple has a dance they do together.  My colleagues, Kare Scharff and Lisa Herrick, in their book, Navigating Emotional Currents in Collaborative Divorce, describe it as a lock and key.   I'm introverted; you're extroverted.  I respond from my gut; you think things through intellectually.  You get the picture.  When the marriage is working, so does the lock and key.  My strength matches your need. My personality balances yours.  When the marriage is not working, our pattern of behavior no longer works.  What we saw as working together now doesn't work at all.  What you thought was my strength, you now see as something else.  My personality doesn't balance yours; it smothers it.  If we were dancing, it would no longer be a graceful waltz; you would be stomping on my toes.  In common vernacular, what used to make us fit together now just lets you press my buttons.

The difficulty is that our lock and key or our dance has trained us to have fixed expectations of each other and our roles.  That's a problem moving forward.  We act as an incomplete half, not able to be a complete person or parent.  We're off balance because we always acted as a team.  Or maybe we clash because you push my buttons - every time.  After all, you know them all.

Here's the deal.  We're not a team anymore, not in the way we were.  Now, we're walking parallel paths.  Sometimes, they intersect.  Sometimes, we walk together.  Sometimes, they're just parallel.  You can't control what happens on my path anymore because we're not together.   The only path you can control is yours.

You can't make the other parent feed the children at 6pm or go to bed at 8pm.  You can't make the other parent teach the children right from wrong.  You can't make the other parent help the children with their homework, instill a work ethic in them, or take them to church.  The only parent you can make do all those things is.....you.  You have to learn to march to the beat of your own drummer.  You have to decide what is the right thing to do, the right values to instill in your children and the behavior you want to encourage and discourage.

Then, you have to do it, no matter what the other parent does.  Is it easy?  No. but then most things that are worthwhile are not.  Does it take time and practice?  Yes.  Will the other parent like it?  No.  They will try to get you to reengage with them.  They will push your buttons.  Maybe it will look like your children are not learning what you have to teach them.  Maybe it will look that way for a long time.  Remember, parenting is not a sprint.  It is an ultra marathon.  Only those with great endurance and perseverance finish an ultra marathon, much less win it.  Can you wait until your children are adults to see whether what you did stuck?  If not, go ahead an reengage.  If so, disengage and parent the way you know is right.

Disengage - the short answer with a long explanation.  Here in the Trenches.