Let it Go

Sometimes the biggest gift you can give yourself and others is to “Let it Go.”  This weekend was our annual, multi-generational trip to Disney for the RunDisney Princess Half Marathon.  This year, Mom hurt her leg and was told she should not even try to walk long distances, of which there are plenty.  Mom, being a very fit 83 years young, did not want to rent a wheelchair or a scooter.  I think she thought it made her look and feel old.  She also, however, did not want to miss out on the day we planned at EPCOT or the dinner at Disney Springs.  She swallowed her pride and rented a scooter.  Best idea ever (aside from running me over at bag check on that first morning - that did, however, make for a great family story).  Here’s the backstory.

Every other year of this trip, Mom started out the park day with us.  By the time lunch rolled around, she had enough of the standing in line and walking (an average park day is around 20,000 - 30,000 steps).  After lunch, she went back to our lodgings and spent the rest of the day sitting alone.  No fun for her and no fun for the rest of us because not only was she not with us having fun, but we also felt kind of guilty that she was by herself.  This year, even though the weather was frightful, she stayed with us all day.  She used the scooter when she needed it and her cane when she didn’t.  The rest of us enjoyed the use of the scooter when she wasn’t on it.  We loved that she was with us.  I got to show her parts of EPCOT I’ve never been able because of the amount of walking and standing it entails.  She was part of ALL of our experiences, not just some of them.  It was fantastic.  In fact, it was so great that I think we’ll use a scooter on all of our upcoming Disney trips.  Mom’s willingness to see herself as someone who uses a scooter as a transportation mechanism and not part of who she is saved our future trips (Mom had told me that she was thinking of not coming next time because she was holding us back).

Mom could have held on to her vision of herself as someone who did not need a scooter to enjoy herself.  Had she done so, she would have missed a lot of experiences as well as time with her family. Instead, she pulled on her driving gloves (no joke) and re-invented herself as a driver on an obstacle course who got to enjoy all of the family fun.  Separation and divorce bring so many changes to your life. How those changes affect you depend on how you view them.  Do you see yourself as someone with a failed marriage?  Maybe as a pathetic single parent?  Or as a failure because your marriage didn’t last?  Telling you to stop the negative thoughts is rarely successful unless and until you see yourself differently.  Sure, you’re now a single parent, and you are also someone who gets to invent new and different family traditions.  Maybe you now get to be the adventurer, exposing your children to new  and different experiences.  Yes, your marriage ended, and you learned what you’re looking for in a spouse, or maybe that you don’t want a spouse.  Maybe now you can be the driven executive or the world traveling nomad.

I know, you’re thinking about all those people in your life who are judging you.  They label you, and you care.  Why?  Maybe you’re now a person who doesn’t care what those people think. Maybe you’re now a person with friends who embrace who you have become and not what you are not.  This weekend, I was injured.  Running the two races fast or for time was not in my cards.  I’m sure people passed us at our leisurely pace and judged us based on our speed.  I didn’t care at all.  I was a race finisher, not a racer who always tries to run a faster time.  Because I internalized my vision of myself, what other people thought never entered my mind and I was proud to finish.  What about you?  Can you let go of what you were, what you thought you should be, and find an identity that gives you joy?   It isn’t easy, but it’s so worthwhile.  Try it.  Here in the Trenches.

Memories Matter

#1 Son and my Daughter in Love gave me a ticket to join them to see DIsney on Ice with their family as my holiday present.  I am certain it would not be the ideal holiday gift for many of you.  For me, it was the perfect present.  I love Disney, so you would think that was the reason it would appeal to me.  That’s not it.  It was the experience.  As far as I know, this was Granddaughter’s first live show.  It involved Disney princesses, which is a bit of an obsession with her right now.  I got to be with her as she experienced one of her “firsts,” and it involved something we both love.  Beyond that, it was beyond value that #1 Son and Daughter in Love wanted to share that first with me.   It was magical for all of us to watch her face as she saw her favorite characters come to life.  It was an out of this world experience to see her dance to the music and sing along with the songs.  She was so excited to have all of us with her. I will never forget that night.  The gift was priceless.  

Another gift #1 Son and Daughter in Love have given me is the opportunity to spend Monday mornings with Granddaughter. We are alone together every Monday her parents are working from 7am until 10am, when we are joined by the other Gaga.  We play games that are different than anything she does with anyone else, just like what she does with Mommy and Daddy and the other Gaga and Papas are different.  They’re our thing.  We spend Mondays making memories and sharing love.   I bring her nothing except me and pumpkin pancakes.

So often when families go through a divorce, money is tight and parents can’t afford to buy their children the things they ordinarily would have. Even worse, in some cases, one parent has the money to buy those things and does, and the other parent doesn’t.  When money is tight, parents worry that their children will suffer.  They worry that their children’s memories will be ones of deprivation.  They worry that the children will prefer the parent with money that’s being spent on them.  They worry that giving their children time with them isn’t enough.  I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, parenting is not a sprint; it’s a marathon.  Sure, in the short run, the parent with the most bling may be the preferred parent.  In the long haul, however, what children have left are memories.  Things don’t build memories; people and experiences build them.  Don’t worry about the cost - a board game, hide and seek, building a snowman, and reading stories all cost nothing but mean everything to your child.  Here in the Trenches.