THe Trusted Advisor - Part II

It's great to be the trusted advisor.  Here in the Trenches, we also have trusted advisors.  Those of us  here in the Trenches also have folks we trust for advice.  They are the folks who we can email or call with a problem over the weekend and know they'll answer.  They are the folks who we trust with the people we care about in our lives, including our loved ones and our clients.  We know they have our back.  We know they'll take care of our clients, family and friends.  In short, we trust them.  We don't give their names out lightly.  We think long and hard about sending people to them.  It's not because we're afraid of losing a client to a colleague.  It's not because we don't think they'll do a good job, because we know they will.  We think long and hard because we want to make sure those clients are worthy of our trusted advisor.  We think too highly of them to send just anyone to them.  Maybe that's why it frosts us when a client doesn't appreciate our trusted advisor.  It's even worse than when the client doesn't follow our advice, because it feels personal to us.  Maybe that's because it is - here in the Trenches.

The Trusted Advisor

One of the most important jobs we have here in the Trenches is as trusted advisor.  Our clients trust us to look out for them and to take care of them.  I don't just mean for the dispute at hand.  Take today, for instance.  I had a client way back when I was just starting out in the Trenches.  I really liked her; we worked well as a team, and she appreciated my representation.  She's sent me a client or two through the years.  Today, her children called.  It seems their Dad, the husband who I helped my client divorce, was dying; and they needed legal advice about his situation and didn't know where to turn or who to ask.  Their mom told them to call me, that I would I steer them in the right direction. Of course,  I was able to send them to someone I trusted who could help.  That call meant at least as much to me as any client that woman sent my way because it wasn't about my work in the Trenches.  This former client trusted me and my judgment so much that when a legal problem unrelated to the Trenches came up, she knew I would send her to the right person for the job.  She trusted my judgment, and not just as it related to her family matter. High praise indeed, and for what we strive.  Here in the Trenches.

Grief and Loss, Part Three

As you all know, I am running the Disney Princess Half Marathon.  In costume.  What you may not know is that Office Testosterone decided which princess I would be.  Belle.  In fact, the discussion of costume or not, and if costume, which one, was one of the last substantive conversations he and I had together.  As luck would have it, the Leukemia and Lymphoma Society are the beneficiaries of the race.  I didn't know that, and I'm sure, neither did Office T.  At any rate, I decided that Office T would run with me, in spirit.  The costume is all but finished, and the embroidery pictured above is part of it.  Office T's hockey number was double zero; his favorite color was royal blue.  As for the color of the ribbon - I think that's self explanatory.  It's been almost 10 months since he left us.  I thought I was doing OK dealing with my grief.  I talk about him; I talk to his parents, his grandpa, his other friends.  I look at pictures of him and smile.  I thought how pleased he'd be that the darn NHL strike is over.  As I worked on this embroidery, however, the pain and grief came rushing back.  It hit me like a Tsunami how much I miss him.  I thought I was moving forward in dealing with my grief; I thought I was approaching acceptance, but I was wrong.  My heart hurts.  I can't rush acceptance; it needs to come as I work through the grief and come to terms with the loss of a dear friend.  That might be next month, and it might be next year.  Kind of like our clients here in the Trenches

Look Left, Look Right

As of last Friday, I am an Adjunct Professor of Law at the University of Maryland School of Law.  I am teaching a course on Collaborative Divorce, along with my old friends in the Trenches, Suzy Eckstein and Bruce Avery, as well as a new friend in the Trenches, Professor Jana Singer.  It's a rush to teach folks who haven't learned all the habits of practice those of us already in the Trenches have developed over the years.  Some of the things I've noticed just from the one class:
1.  Students ask better questions than practicing lawyers.  I think it's partly that their environment is conducive to appreciative inquiry; whereas those of us in the Trenches are worried that we'll look like we don't know as much as everyone else if we ask questions.
2.  Students seem better able to be interactive from the get go.  Again, see #1 above.  Practicing lawyers get in the swing of an interactive training, but it takes them longer to get over that initial reluctance.  When we train professionals, the first large group "shout outs" are like pulling teeth.  Not so with our students.
3.  Students are more open to sharing personal information than practicing attorneys.  I shared that I had been divorced, and asked as part of our initial information whether any of them had any experience in divorce, either personally or professionally.  There were a number of students with personal experience, and they weren't afraid to share that; practicing attorneys usually are.

So far, I'm impressed.  I'm thrilled we're teaching new lawyers how to collaborate, rather than teach them only to litigate and negotiate, and then after years of practice, try to retrain them.  It brings us back to our historic role as counselors at law, and that's a good thing.  Here in the Trenches.

Grief and Loss - Revisited

Nicolas Scull commented on my blog post on grief and loss.  He asked if I’ve done any research on “what causes the length grievance process to vary so much? It is easy to say it depends on the person, but I believe there are many other factors that come into play.”  Yes, I have.  Turns out that all the research shows that it really does depend on the person.  I know that sounds simplistic, but it really isn’t.  It is a massively complicated answer.  

We’ve all heard of Elizabeth Kubler-Ross and her groundbreaking work on grief.  Although Dr. Kubler-Ross identified the stages of grief, she didn’t talk about the length of the grieving process as a whole.  Even though it appears from Dr. Kubler-Ross that grief is somehow linear, research has shown it to be more of a process that alternates between feelings of loss and those of restoration that give a respite from grief.

The reason everyone’s grief is so dependent upon them is because everyone’s physical state, their social environment, personal characteristics and life history are different.  Also, the way each person experiences grief depends on their relationship to the thing or person lost, and also on the secondary losses that the primary loss engenders.  With divorce, those secondary losses can be of a home or financial status; of one’s role in life as a parent or spouse; the loss of hopes and dreams; the loss of the life they once knew.  Those are all personal to each individual and cannot be replicated or reduced to an formula, as much as we would like it to be otherwise.  In other words, it all depends on the person. All we can do to help those who grieve is to honor their grief, walk with them in their pain, listen to them with our hearts and bear witness, silently and with love  Here in the Trenches and beyond.

TGIF

Started Teaching Collaborative Divorce

At UMd School of Law - Sweet!

What Is It We See in the Mirror?

Peace of Mind

Different strokes for Different Folks

One of my colleagues here in the Trenches qualified for the Boston Marathon (We are so proud of Noel Tucker!).  She has 88 days of training to go.  She posts here training progress on Facebook.  Noel runs 8:16 minute miles.  (Yes, you read correctly.)  I run 10-11 minute miles.  As you know, next month I'm running in the Disney Princess Half Marathon.  I have three goals for that race: first, to have fun; second, to finish in under 2.5 hours; and third, to finish and not be injured.  Anyway, I've been reading Noel's posts, and reading about different ways of training, and decided to work on my speed.  I upped my pace to 9:45 minute miles, and ran my Saturday and my Tuesday run....and my knee started to hurt. I went back to my goals, and I'm back to 11 minute miles and no pain.  Maybe I'll work on speed after the Princess.
What does this mean for the Trenches?  It means that everyone's different.  How my friend Noel trains and how I train are different because our abilities and our bodies are different.  It's the same in the Trenches.  Every client is different; every case is different.  What works for one family or client does not work for another.  Part of our work in the Trenches is not only knowing the law, but learning about and understanding the families and clients with which we work.  By understanding them and their goals, we  can help craft a solution that works for them and at their pace.  Here in the Trenches.

PS.  Waking up this morning, I had an incredible urge to set something I wrote here straight.  (No, Noel didn't say anything - that's not how she is.)  Noel's 8+ minute miles in training were after she had taken off running seriously for much of the Fall and early Winter.  She is actually much faster than that, and was not especially pleased with her per mile time.  I, on the other hand, am not usually any faster than 10-11 minutes a mile, and absurdly pleased I ran an average of 9:45 miles for those two days.  Truth in advertising, folks.