Grief and Loss - Revisited

Nicolas Scull commented on my blog post on grief and loss.  He asked if I’ve done any research on “what causes the length grievance process to vary so much? It is easy to say it depends on the person, but I believe there are many other factors that come into play.”  Yes, I have.  Turns out that all the research shows that it really does depend on the person.  I know that sounds simplistic, but it really isn’t.  It is a massively complicated answer.  

We’ve all heard of Elizabeth Kubler-Ross and her groundbreaking work on grief.  Although Dr. Kubler-Ross identified the stages of grief, she didn’t talk about the length of the grieving process as a whole.  Even though it appears from Dr. Kubler-Ross that grief is somehow linear, research has shown it to be more of a process that alternates between feelings of loss and those of restoration that give a respite from grief.

The reason everyone’s grief is so dependent upon them is because everyone’s physical state, their social environment, personal characteristics and life history are different.  Also, the way each person experiences grief depends on their relationship to the thing or person lost, and also on the secondary losses that the primary loss engenders.  With divorce, those secondary losses can be of a home or financial status; of one’s role in life as a parent or spouse; the loss of hopes and dreams; the loss of the life they once knew.  Those are all personal to each individual and cannot be replicated or reduced to an formula, as much as we would like it to be otherwise.  In other words, it all depends on the person. All we can do to help those who grieve is to honor their grief, walk with them in their pain, listen to them with our hearts and bear witness, silently and with love  Here in the Trenches and beyond.