High School Football and Yoga

My regular Sunday yoga class was joined today by 3 of our local high school football players.  My regular Sunday yoga class is comprised of 25 women and 3 or so men.   Of those 28 or so regulars, at least half have been attending this class for at least 5 years.  What that means for those high school boys is that approximately 14 people old enough (or older than) to be their parents could stretch farther and balance better than they could.  It was quite an education for them, huffing, puffing and grunting their way through class.  Will they be back?  Only time will tell.  High school boys, and as I recall, Daughter when she came to class with me, are not too excited about being shown up by a bunch of old folks.  Don't worry, we didn't rub it in their faces; in fact, quite the opposite.  We went out of our way to show them how we do things to prep for class, and what props to use to help them.  Our instructor was as solicitous as could be, and went above and beyond in educating them about the different positions.  We helped by showing them modification for poses as well.  As we wait until next Sunday to see who comes back, we can ponder whether these boys are interested in learning something new that will help them in their football, or whether they're invested in playing and preparing to play football the way they've always done it and think it ought to be done.

This past week, I had two clients with unrealistic expectations for what was going to happen, not only next, but all the way through the process.  (I know, I hear you saying "Only two?" ). With each of them, I drafted a very long email.  With each, I checked in to make sure I understood what they were saying and why I thought they were saying it.  Then, I went through a detailed explanation of the process from this point, and what they could expect each step of the way.  I compared what we were doing to what would happen in other processes.  The funny thing is that this is exactly what I do in my initial interview with a client.  I know, however, that most initial interviews contain too much information for the clients to retain: they are emotional and nervous, so retention is an issue.  Also, until they get into the process they choose, they have no point of comparison.

At any rate, one of those two clients, who was very overwrought, read my email and calmed down immediately.  She knew what to expect, and she also knew that if she needed more information, I would give it to her and educate her.  She very quickly switched from a nervous novice to a willing student.  The other client?  Haven't heard from the other client.  It makes me a little nervous.  We'll have to wait and see if she wants to learn. Kind of like waiting until next Sunday for the football players.  Here in the Trenches.

Do You Have a Pair of Rose Colored Glasses?

I have an absolutely awful, no good custody case, filled with bad actors, alienation, child protective services, police, the works.  There is definitely a good guy and a bad guy.  Yet, if you look at social media alone, you would think that the bad guy and the good guy were reversed.  I hear you asking how that can be.  It's all in the story and how you tell it.  It's in what facts you include, what ones you leave out, and what ones about which you outright lie.  It's also in only hearing one side of the story, and in having a personal relationship of any kind with the one telling the story you hear.  None of us likes to think we're bad judges of character; it's sort of like Lake Wobegon, where our children are always the ones who are above average.  Therefore, if we've decided someone is a good egg, we view everything they do through those glasses, and it takes a long time for us to believe that the "good egg" is really rotten.

I must let you in on a secret - lawyers are people too.  As I've always said, for a successful attorney and client relationship, the attorney and client have to have some mutual respect, if not liking.  Guess what?  Our clients usually only tell us their side of the story.  It is an extremely rare client who provides an evenhanded and accurate portrayal of the situation which brings them into the Trenches.  In fact, for most of us who have toiled in the Trenches for any length of time, we are so certain we are only getting part of the story that we withhold judgment on the veracity of our client's portrayal until we hear from the other side.  Still........, even when we hear the other side of the case, we discount it if we like our client.  That's right, even seasoned professionals can be a bit deluded.  It happens more often than you might think.

Does it matter in the end?  Actually, yes.  You pay us for our objectivity, not our emotional enmeshment.  Although it feels really good to have your attorney like you, make sure it's not blinding them to the unvarnished truth.  You want an attorney who recognizes they might be deluded, who tries like heck to counteract the feeling.  You do not want an attorney whose feelings for you get in the way of their impartial judgment on your behalf.  You do not want an attorney who cannot see how to help you resolve the issues in your family law matter because they're too concerned with your feelings to be honest with you.   You have friends.  What you need is a professional who can see all sides of the story, tell you the truth even when it's unpleasant, and be able to help you come up with solutions that meet your needs, but are not necessarily what you want.  After all, it's impossible for all of our children to be above average, whether or not we live in Lake Wobegon.  Here in the Trenches.

Here One Day, Gone the Next

I sat on my couch last Sunday, desperately trying to figure out how to save all of the photos off my dying cell phone before I traded it in on a new one.  As I saved the photos, I came across Daughter's prom photos from her senior year of high school: May 23, 2010.  Then, I saw the photos from Daughter's and my big birthday weekend (her 18th and my 50th):  October 20, 2010.  Featured prominently in both sets of photos was Office T, looking healthy and happy.....and alive.  To look at us all then, no one would ever have known that less than two years later, Office T would be dead. Oh, and also in the birthday photos was Dad; who'd have thought he'd outlive Office T by over a year.  Certainly not me.  Office T had 60 more years to go, by my reckoning, and Dad, maybe 10 if we were lucky.  Then one day, they just weren't there.

I woke up this morning to the news of 50 people dying in a nightclub shooting, with another 50 wounded.  Last month, a man shot his estranged wife outside Son's school and then killed two random people the next day.  They were there, and then they weren't.  At the end of the day, does the reason really matter?  All of those people, who others loved and cared about, are dead.  THeir loved ones will never be able to tell them they love them, will never be able to make amends for wrongs they inflicted, will never be able to tell them they forgive them for the wrongs they suffered.  Every day, then week, then month, then birthday and holiday will go by and their loved ones will miss them and cry for what they've lost.  Yes, they will also remember the good times, the love and special moments they shared, but humans being humans, the anger, pain and the regret they feel first and longest.

Which is probably why some folks fight so hard here in the Trenches.  Divorce is the death of a marriage.  It is the death of a family structure.  It hits people hard.  They feel pain and regret.  The problem is that their spouse is still there, serving as a constant living reminder of what they have lost. Some people overcome the pain and anger of the loss and can remember the good times and love.  Others never do.  Let's turn this around for a minute.  If you were Office T, Dad, the people in the Orlando nightclub or the folks shot by that woman's estranged husband, would you want your last day or moment on earth to be consumed by anger and pain?  Would you rather give others the benefit of the doubt, let go of your anger and count your blessings?  I know which choice I make (sometimes with difficulty, but I make it every day), here in the Trenches.

How Do You Determine the Cost of Trial?

Here in the Trenches, when we talk to clients about the cost of going to trial, they think dollars and cents.  Certainly, going to trial is very expensive, and the financial savings realized by settling a case is not insignificant.  I tell clients there are other costs to going to trial and they need to be prepared to pay them.  Some understand and internalize what I mean, and others, well, they just don't.  Let me give you some examples of costs that are not financial.

1.  Having family and friends come to court to testify, because everyone wants everyone they love to be inconvenienced and know their dirty laundry.
2.  Having family and friends forced by the other attorney to appear for a deposition, because if there's anything better than #1, it's being questioned by the other attorney about things that may only be related tangentially to your case.
3.  Subjecting yourself to cross examination by the other attorney (If you don't believe that is a cost, you've never been cross examined).
4.  Having the negative emotions from your divorce, that you thought you had dealt with and from which you believed you had healed, come rushing back to the surface and overwhelming you.
5.  Having to deal with the uncertainty of waiting for the judge's decision, weeks or months from the day(s) of trial.
6.  Having someone who doesn't know you or care about you or your family decide your future, because by definition that's a judge.
7.  Having no control over what happens because that's what it means to ask a judge to decide.
8.  Frustration that the rules of court don't allow everything you know to be true to come into evidence, so there will be things the judge won't know.
9.  Having you and your life placed under a microscope.

Sometimes, you have to go to trial.  Sometimes, for a lot of reasons, a judge needs to make a decision.  Most times, however, a reasonable settlement is possible.  In deciding whether to accept it, the offer itself is not the only consideration; the costs of going to trial have to play a part in your deliberations.  Here in the Trenches.

Memories Fade - Or Do They?

Yesterday after yoga class, I stopped by the grocery store to pick up a few things for my lunches this week.  As I was checking out, I saw a woman in the next line.  When she turned around, I saw that this woman was someone who had been my very good friend before my divorce.  My divorce changed all of that.  Not only did this woman cut me out of her life, she also told my former spouse some very personal things that I had shared with her while my marriage was dissolving.  Those things were nothing that would create any sort of legal issue during my divorce, they were simply not things I wanted shared - they were intensely personal, and my former spouse used the fact that he knew about them to demonstrate to me how isolated my divorce was going to make me.  It's funny, I can't remember what I told her, other than the effect of the disclosure.  What I do remember, and what came flooding back to me in a rush at the grocery store yesterday, was the feeling of betrayal.  I understand that when people divorce, friends fall away for a lot of reasons.  Very few of them, especially those who you hold closest, affirmatively act to hurt you.  The details fall away, but the pain remains.

But only the pain remains, and only when I was exposed to a direct stimulus.  I think that makes me healthy.  It means I've moved on. I wish I could say the same for all my clients.  Some of them never move on. They relive the hurts of their marriage every day in great detail.  They weigh the injury. They remember all the details.  They can't forget.  No, I take that back:  they won't forget.  These folks either don't go to therapy or they don't invest in their therapy.  Their lives are given meaning by the pain they've endured.  Their self worth is tied to how much they were wronged.  The pain I felt in the five minutes in the grocery store?  They feel it all the time.  I don't know how they stand it.  I can't help them make the pain go away and move on, because they don't want to.  Truth be told, having these clients is the hardest part of what I do.  Here in the Trenches.

Did I forget the Moat for that Sandcastle?

I was reading yesterday's post, and I thought you might get the wrong impression.  I am not saying that it is acceptable for the client to tell the lawyer how to run the case.  There are things we do as a matter of strategy. There are things we do to position our clients for the future.  We do them because we can see the 5 or 7 steps ahead that our clients cannot.  That is part of the advice we give and why we, and not our clients, guide the process.  Please forgive me if I led you to believe otherwise.

There is a difference, however, between process and substance.  It is in the area of substance that we here in the Trenches need to really listen to our clients and work with them, and not just for them.  I think I should illustrate.  As you know, I'm taking Brene Brown's online course based on her books, Daring Greatly and Rising Strong.   The course revolves around the process of becoming more aware of your emotions, being comfortable with vulnerability and developing strategies for working through and rising above set backs.  I've mentioned it here and there in this blog, and talked about how hard the process is to work through.  Well, yesterday, a friend who is also taking the course and I were talking, and she said that although she is enjoying the process of the course and appreciates the work, understanding why someone is a jerk or why something makes you feel bad doesn't solve the underlying problem.  The person is still a jerk and that something still makes you feel bad.  In other words, process can only take you so far.  You still need substance to solve a problem.  Here in the Trenches.

The Tide is Coming In. Is your Sandcastle Protected?

Most lawyers are control freaks.  Not only that, we are problem solvers.  Give us a problem and we will give you a solution.  That's what we're trained to do, and what comes to most of us naturally.  It's part of what attracted us to the law - we thought the law provided an answer for everything. Of course, we discovered that it didn't.  No matter, with our experience and education, we believe we are able to solve our clients' problems.  That's why you hired us - right?

Being good problem solvers was such an asset in the old days, when clients came to us for just that reason.  Back in those days, what the lawyer told the client to do, they did it, no questions asked.  Those days are long gone, thankfully.  Greater access to information and more attunement to feelings has created a client who wants to have a say in what happens to them.  That new client is why there has been a rise in the use of alternative methods of dispute resolution such as mediation and collaborative law.  The client wants to make their own decisions and wants the lawyer to advise and support them and reality test their options.  Personally, I think that's a wonderful thing.  After all, who knows the other side and what they will and won't do better than their spouse?  Who knows what will work in their lives better than the person living it?  Frankly, a more empowered client takes a huge weight off my shoulders.  It's hard not only providing information and advice but also deciding the future of someone else's life.  Am I still a problem solver?  Sure, but I've let go of the outcome, let go of the need to control it, and instead use my problem solving skills and legal knowledge to help my clients solve their own dilemmas.

Some lawyers don't have an easy time letting go of the control.  They can't stand that they are not in charge of the outcome.  They shudder at simply helping their clients work out their own problems.  They don't listen to what their clients tell them about what their spouse will and won't do. (I know my first attorney didn't, and they were wrong; thank heaven for my second lawyer.) Mediation and collaboration make them antsy because it's too touchy feely, and the solutions that the clients reach are outside what may have been reached traditionally.  There are clients for these lawyers, just as there are clients for lawyers like me.  There are just fewer of them.  The legal world is changing, and lawyers need to change along with it.  It's hard to do, so be patient with us; but not so patient that you agree to something you know won't work just because your lawyer tells you to do so.  It's your life, after all.  Here in the Trenches.