A Good Day Mediating is a Good Day

I had a long day of mediation today.  Actually, it was two mediations.  In one, I represented one of the parties, and in the other, I was the mediator.  Both mediations were successful, but not in the way you think.  In the one in which I was the mediator, it was the second session of mediation.  We settled the entire case.  In the case in which I represented one of the parties, it was our first session of mediation, and the only issues we resolved were where the child would continue to go to pre-kindergarten and the holiday schedule.  Yet, I consider them equally successful.  The reason lies in the way the mediation proceeded.  The trick is to make sure you start with the easy stuff, the items on which there is little conflict, and progress to the difficult ones.  Starting with the easy issues helps people who can't remember how they agreed on anything, agree on something.  Once they agree on something, they start to imagine settlement is possible.  They begin to look for ways they can agree.  They relax and let down their defenses. They agree on more issues.  By the time they get to the really hard decisions, they're comfortable working together, they've started feeling comfortable saying what they need to say, and they can see a complete resolution on the horizon.  They are motivated to reach agreement because it would be a shame to throw all that hard work away.  So, they stick it out and they resolve the matter. That's mediation done right.  Here in the Trenches.