The New "Normal"

Tomorrow marks the one year anniversary of my father's death.  I have been doing a lot of thinking this last year, as have lots of my friends, in the Trenches and beyond, who have also lost loved ones in the past few years.  In fact, I had breakfast with Office Testosterone's mother just this morning.  What we all have in common is adjusting to life without the ones we love.  I call it the "new normal."  One of my colleagues here in the Trenches decided to leave the Trenches, and today marks her first day in the non-profit sector.  Office T's mom has moved from focusing on the time of his last illness to the wonders of his life and impact on others.  Me?  I'm still in transition.  This is the longest period I have gone without traveling home to mom and dad's in over two years.  It's odd having my daily or every other day phone calls with my mom that don't focus on how dad is doing.  I feel like something is missing from my daily life, and aside from dad's presence, I don't know what it is.  I am searching for something that I won't know until I find it.  Office T's mom feels the same.  It's more than just a sense of loss; it feels like a shift in focus and purpose, the direction of which is still unknown.  They say not to make any major decisions until at least a year after a loss, so I haven't, my mom hasn't, and Office T's mom hasn't.  So, it's been at least a year for all of us, and I'm sure direction will come, from where I haven't a clue.  I'm patient, so I'll wait (and work like hell) until then, and keep thinking.

Here in the Trenches, we know that divorce is like a death.  People don't treat it that way.  They are in a hurry to move on, to make changes, to do anything that is different from what they did before.  To them, I say "STOP."  It doesn't matter if the divorce has been a long time coming, or if they've been separated for a time that seems like forever, the finality of the divorce represents a loss.  It takes time to adjust to the loss.  It takes time to adjust to the "new normal."  Heck, it takes time to figure out the "new normal," aside from the end of the "old normal."  Simply reacting to the end of the old may not make for a good "new normal."  These folks didn't take ending their marriages lightly.  They thought and agonized over it for months, if not years.  Why not devote as much thought and effort to the future?  Patience is a virtue.  Here in the Trenches.