It is not all about you. Repeat. It is not all about you. I know, you spent a lot of money on those clothes for your children; the other parent went to Goodwill. I know, you're sick of the nice clothes staying at the other parent's house, and the not so nice ones being worn by the children when they come to yours. It really pisses you off to wash those crappy clothes; you mumble under your breath the entire time you're washing them. You decide you're not going to take it anymore. You are not going to let the other parent take advantage of you like that. What do you do? Well, first, you send the children back in the crappy clothes they came in. Next, you demand all of your nice clothes back. In a show of good faith, you put the dirty crappy clothes that have accumulated at your house in the children's backpacks to go to the other house. You tell your children to make sure they bring back the sneakers Auntie Sue bought for them, because they don't belong at the other parent's house. Maybe, you put all the crappy dirty clothes in a garbage bag and dump them in the other parent's driveway. Why should you stop here? Let's apply this to all of your children's possessions. What you bought stays at your house and what that other parent bought stays at theirs. STOP! That's right, stop. Breathe.....and think. You may have bought all those things, but you gave them to your children. They belong to them. Don't argue with me that you paid for them so they're yours. Unless you are going to wear that shirt from Justice, I don't want to hear about it. They belong to your children - period. What kind of horrible messages are you giving them when you engage in the actions I've described here? Let's count them. First and foremost, you have made it very clear that you didn't buy them those clothes they love so much because you love them: you bought them to make you look good. Otherwise, why can't they wear them other places? Second, you'e letting them know that it's OK to be selfish and self centered. Why else would you care more about everyone knowing you bought the nice clothes and keeping them for yourself rather than letting your children just wear them? Third, you've told them their happiness and security is secondary to any squabble you have with the other parent. How's that for letting your children know how unimportant they are in your life? You're using them as a weapon in your quest to look better than the other parent. Finally, you are confirming for your children that they have no control over their lives or their possessions. You've already told them they can't have both parents together, they can't have one house to live in, and they have to move back and forth for the rest of their childhood. Now you're telling them they can't even control what clothes they wear when. They're just clothes, clothes that will probably be outgrown next month. And then you wonder why they're screwed up. Look in the mirror, then knock it off. Here in the Trenches.
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