Anatomy of a Breakup

The story is all too familiar.  Their relationship was good, then something changed.  One of them knew that it changed and why, but the other did not.  All the other knew was that something was a bit off.  Not really off, you understand, just slightly off kilter.  At first, they thought it must be them, they were going through a stressful time, and perhaps that skewed their perception.  Then, they started spending less time together, and when they did, they didn't share the way they used to.  Conversation became conventional, stilted, formal.  They no longer shared their hopes, dreams and fears.  Now, the other was sure something was wrong.  They mention it.  "No, nothing's the matter; you're just imagining it," they're told by their partner.  "Everything is just fine."  Except it's not.  Soon, they start hearing whispers from others.  Their partner is talking about them and saying most unkind and uncomplimentary things.  Their partner has new friends that don't include them; they're not welcome to join in.  Then, finally, their partner finally comes clean - the relationship is over.  The other is hurt, feels betrayed and angry.  They don't have time to grieve, however, because the other is ready to divide their property, determine custody and move on.  They just need to get on with it.

Whether we represent the leaver or the leavee, our jobs are difficult.  If it's the leaver, we have to slow them down and help them to understand that not only does their partner need time to catch up and internalize that the relationship is over, but they also have to work through the hurt and betrayal at the perceived deception.  That's right, deception.  Even if the leaver didn't intend to mislead their partner, they didn't tell them anything was wrong until everything was wrong.  There was no chance to fix things, to work on what was wrong.  They hid their feelings and intentions from their partner, and that takes time with which to come to terms.  As for the leavee, they need time and space to catch up, to let their emotions stabilize and cool.  Once that happens, they are in a place to negotiate and issues will be resolved.  Push it too soon and you have a royal mess, complete with court filings and cross filings.  Then, it takes more work to calm things down and resolve the issues.  And you wonder why working in the  Trenches is so hard?   Helping our clients get past the hurt and resolve their issues is what we do - Here in the Trenches.