To Be or Not To Be....

Last week was an exciting week for me outside of the Trenches.  Hence, the lack of posting.  The short version of the story is that Number One Son (also, only son), popped the question to his girlfriend.  This would be a different post if she had said "no," but, happily for all concerned, she said "yes."  I am beyond excited and happy for them.  That means I am soon to be a mother-in-law.  I have a number of friends who are already mother-in-laws for their sons, and they have very different experiences.  Some of them have wonderful relationships with their son's wife, and others, not so much.  It's hard to figure out why some of the relationships are marvelous and some are awful.  I grew up with both of my parents having wonderful relationships with their in-laws, and with both sets of parents having wonderful relationships with each other.  My grandparents recognized that my parents were adults, not children.  They treated them as they would a good friend - accepted them as people, respected their choices and treated them with kindness and respect.  They also believed and demonstrated that when you married one of theirs, you became one of theirs too.  They all put allot of effort into making the relationships work.  Luckily for them, my parents were of a like mind, and the families joined and became larger.  In my own marriage, my relationship with my mother-in-law was positively rocky.  I never felt accepted for who I was, and experienced a lot of pressure to conform to what she wanted me to be.  We could never just have a conversation as equals, and I rarely felt my opinions were respected.  It made me sad, because I knew what a really good relationship looked like, and that wasn't it.  I'm committed to doing my best to ensure my son and his fiancee enjoy what my parents had, a blended group of families that love them with all their hearts and will support them no matter what they do.

In all my years in the Trenches, I can count on one hand the people who felt respected and accepted, not only by their spouse, but by their spouse's family.  It amazes me at the paucity of folks who will miss the relationship they had with their in-laws.  So few mourn the loss of their former spouse's family, those people with whom they spent extended amounts of time, even decades.  Yet, I know a lot of people who adore their in-laws - they're just not in my office.  Think there's a lesson here?  I do.  If don't like the people who raised your spouse, who molded your spouse and made that person who they are, and who your spouse loves perhaps you should think twice before marrying them. It's a difficult conversation that's worth having, and it could keep you out of my office. Here in the Trenches.