The Third Story

In any conflict, there are three stories.  In divorce, each spouse has a story of the marriage, what went right and what went wrong and why.  The most important story is the third story - that's the one told by the professionals in the case.  What is the third story?  It's a combination of the spouse's stories, with the addition of the impartial view of the professionals and their analysis of the underlying emotions and motivations.  Why is it important?  It seems like that should be obvious, but it's not.  If all you have is two opposing stories, two rams butting horns with each other, the conflict never ends:  the opposing sides continue to fight until exhausted.  When you add the third story, a shared vision emerges, and it's no longer two opposing forces but one entity with a problem or set of problems that need resolution.  The conflict no longer feels hopeless.  All because of the addition of perspective of the professionals and their training and experience with individuals in conflict.  When someone tells you lawyers only make conflict worse, think of the third story.  We do every day - here in the Trenches.

Denial is Not Just a River in Egypt

Dear Client,

Here in the Trenches, we are attorneys and counselors at law.  We are not magicians or fairy godmothers. We didn't marry your spouse, have children with him or her, run you into bankruptcy, cause you to drink or abuse drugs, become addicted to online porn, gamble, or give up your career for your marriage.  You did all those things, some of which are why you ended up in our office.  We cannot wave a magic wand and make all your problems go away.  What we can do is help you get the best possible settlement or court decision given the facts of your life.  That's it.  It's what we do.  If the court ordered it or you agreed to it, you have to do it.  That's it - end of discussion.  That what was ordered or agreed is inconvenient or expensive to do is no excuse for your former spouse, for the judge, or for us.   We can't and won't help you subvert the letter or spirit of a settlement or court order.  We can't and won't pretend your problems don't matter or make a difference in the outcome of your case.  It wasn't our behavior that got you here; yours did and now you need to deal with the consequences.  Does it mean we're not sympathetic?  Of course not.  Does it mean we won't help you work on what you need to do in the best way possible for you?  Of course not.  Does it mean we don't care what happens once the case is over?  No.  Remember, we're on your side, and not just because you're paying us (usually not, at least).  At the end of the day, however, your problems are yours with which to deal; not ours.  So, stop yelling at us for things over which we have no control.

Yours Truly,
The Trenches

TGIF

....Not Yet....

The Second Time's The Charm!

Back In the Office 

On Monday

Get Over It

You know what sucks stinks?  Being outside the mainstream.  I don't mean that like Steve Jobs or Bill Gates.  I mean like the retired elderly and (wait for it),  the divorced.  These folks don't fit in with the the pulse of our daily lives.  The retired elderly aren't in our workplace, so we no longer share "what's happening at the office" with them.  A lot of them are homebound, so we have to go out of our way to see them.  Many of them don't go out and have new experiences, and lots of them talk more about the distant past than about today.  In short, it takes an effort to interact with them and sometimes it's uncomfortable for us.  The problem is that they,  like the rest of us, need human contact and social interaction to survive and thrive.  They are also our parents and grandparents, the relatives who raised us, loved us, and nurtured us when we were growing up, and who we loved.  Not only are our retired elderly really interesting people (how many folks do you know who can tell first hand stories about World War II, the Korean War, life without TV, air conditioning and internet, icemen, home milk deliveries....You get the picture), but we owe them a lot.  That doesn't mean most people make the effort to fit them into the rhythm of their lives.  Actually, most people don't.
So, what about the divorced?  When these people were part of a married couple, they were part of our regular social lives.  We invited them out to dinner, we went to each other's houses, our children all played together, we vacationed and attended plays, movies and concerts together.  Then, one day, the couple decided to divorce.  Just like that, the people we really liked were excluded from our regular social lives.  They became different, not gradually like the elderly, but suddenly.  They continued to live in our neighborhood, but our children no longer played with theirs.  We stopped inviting them to socialize with us, to eat at our homes, to go places together.  Suddenly, they were no longer like us.  Divorce made them different.  How do we interact with only half of a couple?  A table for three seems kind of odd, and who buys three tickets to the theater (I do, but that's another story)?  We feel funny sharing "couple stories" with them, and we're uncomfortable listening to their dating stories.  We no longer know where they fit in the structure of our lives.  So, we treat them, in many ways, like the elderly.  We exclude them.  At a time when these people really need social interaction, when they really need positive human contact to help them through a painful emotional period in their lives, when they really need the people who care about them, we shun them.  Maybe what we need to do is examine the reason for our discomfort, deal with it, and find a way to integrate these people who are important to us into our lives.  I'm sure they'd thank us for it - here in the Trenches.

Graduations, Weddings and Funerals

Daughter is here visiting with me and her grandparents for a few days.  Whenever the two of us are visiting grandma and grandpa, we have some things that we always do.  The things that we do, we do a certain way.  It's our ritual, and it wouldn't feel right if we didn't follow it.  Hard to believe, but it reminds me of....the Trenches (shocking, I know!).  We have rituals for many things in our lives.  Some of them are little informal rituals, like with Daughter and me.  Some of them are more formal and structured, like weddings, graduations and funerals.  We use rituals to mark important times, places and relationships.  So why isn't there a ritual for divorce?  Don't say it's because it's not a pleasant experience; there is nothing pleasant about a funeral, and yet we still have them.  I suspect that there is no ritual for divorce because in our social order, it is still a transition and rite of passage infused with shame.  In a lot of ways, our society has changed and we view divorce in a more benevolent light.  Long life, greater equality between the sexes, and evolving definitions of family have led to an understanding that the reasons people remained in unhappy, unproductive marriages or marriages that no longer meet the needs of the partners don't apply, and that for many, divorce is as much a rite of passage as a graduation or a marriage.  The problem is that we have not created a ritual that helps these folks and those who care about them move on.  Not only do we not have a ritual for the divorcing partners, but we also lack one to help their friends and family begin to attain closure and to grieve for the loss of the marital relationship.  Isn't it about time we did?

It's the Little Things

Have you ever noticed that it's not the big things that make a difference, but the little ones?  Of course, I'm down here with Mom and Dad.  As you know from reading this blog, there have been a lot of major things that have gone on with them recently.  Those major things have caused a lot of changes in their (and my) lives.  Once we got past the big things, however, it's been the little things that have made the difference in how they live their lives.  The personality of the care provider, the frequency of meals and snacks, the temperature of the house, along with many other little pieces of the structure of the day, have a huge impact on how the day goes, not only for Dad, but for everyone else in the house as well.  The good days add up to weeks, and all of our attitudes and outlooks are affected by whether those days are good or bad.  You notice, I don't mention whether we have emotional support or not, because with or without it, if the structure of the day doesn't go well, those emotional supports have little impact.  Being a part of this reminds me, of course (even on vacation), of the Trenches.  Separation and Divorce are major events, and they cause major changes in our clients' lives.  There'a a lot of upheaval that comes with the decision to separate or divorce.  Our clients are emotional messes (that's a clinical term).  Most of them think that if they only had the support of their family and friends, along with a good therapist, everything will be fine.  The emotional support of those we love and who love us (or are trained to help us through trauma) is very important, to be sure.  What we've found here in the Trenches is that it's not what makes the difference in how well our clients do in the short haul.  What makes the difference in our client's lives is creating a new schedule and rhythm for their lives, one that flows in a different way than it did before but that flows nonetheless and is in sync with their new reality.  There is enough in their lives which is not on an even keel while they are in the Trenches; their daily schedule is a quick, palpable change and a signal to them that everything will eventually feel normal.  It's the little things that make the difference in how you view the big changes, and nowhere is that more true than here in the Trenches.

TGIF

Off to Visit 

Mom & Dad

Time for Some Sun, Rest, and....

A Visit With My Darling Daughter

(So, daughter, do you recognize who that is?)

(Everyone else, it's a character from Daughter's favorite movie - can you guess who?)