What Happens When the Courts Reopen?

Just like the playgrounds, the courts are closed. I think it’s a golden opportunity – for you.

Over the last week, there have been a lot of webinars with our judges about what it means for family lawyers that the courts are closed and are going to remain closed.  It is going to take years for the court system to recover and catch up with hearing cases.

One judge said that the way around this coming backlog is for lawyers to use their skills as problem solvers and embrace the one process in which parties to a dispute agree not to use the courts, and use their lawyers to help them reach their own solutions to their problems: Collaborative Law. That’s right, a judge who hears family law cases all the time, who hears all the possible issues, thinks YOU can resolve your own family law issues without her help. That is so powerful. What she’s saying is that if the people she sees come before her have the right attorneys and the right help, they never need to be there. Remember, she sees the people who say they can’t reach agreement and who think they can’t work together; those are the people who end up before a judge. This judge thinks even those people can resolve their cases with Collaborative Law….if only they had attorneys who believed strongly enough in the process to try.

That’s the kicker about Collaborative Law. It’s a process for the strong. The weak are happy to let someone else make decisions for them. The strong know that a solution is out there. Even if they don’t think they can find it by themselves, they trust that the people they hire will have the commitment and the knowledge to help them find a way to the end. It’s hard work, for both the client and the lawyer. Not everyone wants to try, and I include in that group lawyers as well as clients. It’s a leap of faith, but the rewards are immense. Imagine that instead of having someone else make a decision, you kept the power to decide what happens in your own life and not only do you reach an agreement but you learn how to solve problems as they come up in the future. Isn’t that a greater value in the end than presenting a case before a judge and hoping they see the facts your way?

So back to that golden opportunity. Those who embrace Collaborative Law not only keep control over their outcome but also the timing of their divorce or custody issue. Which do you think will be heard first when the courts reopen, a 3 day trial or a 10 minute hearing? I teach Collaborative Law to lawyers and to law students. I believe in the process. I believe in you. Call me and let’s get started.

The first Day of Daylight Savings Time

Daylight Savings Time kicks my butt every year.  I hate losing the extra hour of sleep.  I always plan to get to bed extra early the night before, and either that doesn't happen, or I end up tossing and turning for hours. This year, I also managed to have an earache.  I woke up exhausted.  I had a headache and an earache and felt generally awful.  The problem is, I still had my morning 7:30am walk with a friend, followed by meeting Max's walking expectations.  Then, there was my weekly yoga class at noon.  Tomorrow morning, I have to be up at 5 and out the door by 6 to babysit my granddaughter. Life doesn't stop just because Daylight Savings Time is getting the best of me.

Divorce is kind of like Daylight Savings Time.  Most people, if they're really honest with themselves. know in a small corner of their minds that their marriage is ending. Maybe they plan for it a bit, maybe they don't.  It comes all the same.  It kicks their butts, and knocks them down.  Life, however, goes on.  There's still work to be done, children to be cared for, and relationships to maintain.  Life doesn't stop just because there's a divorce.

In past years, I would power through the first day of Daylight Savings Time.  It wan't going to get the best of me!  So, I dragged myself through the day, doing everything I normally do.  It took me the better part of a week to recover.  Not this year.  Sure, I went for my walks and I went to yoga.  I also took a nap, sat and read a book or two, surfed on social media and laid around petting Max.  (I also took 2 ibuprofen). I acknowledged that today was different than other days and I couldn't treat it like it was the same.  I still did what I needed to do, but I took care of myself for the rest of the day.

When people are getting divorced, somehow they see it as a sign of weakness when they're exhausted, overwrought or just plain sad.  It's kind of a badge of honor that the divorce won't get the better of them.  Or maybe it's that they won't give their ex the satisfaction of knowing that getting divorce affected them.  I understand that desire.  The problem, however, is that divorce can be emotionally and physically draining.  It can also be a long process.  It is guaranteed to exhaust, overwhelm and sadden you.  When you don't acknowledge those facts and actively plan for them by engaging in self care, you could wear out before the end (which could be disastrous and lead you to agree to a bad settlement just to be done), not be in a frame of mind to settle (which could lead to an unnecessary trial or bypassing a good settlement) or take far longer to recover (and in the meantime, those near and ear to you suffer).    Self care is not being self-indulgent; it's simply good sense.  Here in the Trenches.

Let it Go

Sometimes the biggest gift you can give yourself and others is to “Let it Go.”  This weekend was our annual, multi-generational trip to Disney for the RunDisney Princess Half Marathon.  This year, Mom hurt her leg and was told she should not even try to walk long distances, of which there are plenty.  Mom, being a very fit 83 years young, did not want to rent a wheelchair or a scooter.  I think she thought it made her look and feel old.  She also, however, did not want to miss out on the day we planned at EPCOT or the dinner at Disney Springs.  She swallowed her pride and rented a scooter.  Best idea ever (aside from running me over at bag check on that first morning - that did, however, make for a great family story).  Here’s the backstory.

Every other year of this trip, Mom started out the park day with us.  By the time lunch rolled around, she had enough of the standing in line and walking (an average park day is around 20,000 - 30,000 steps).  After lunch, she went back to our lodgings and spent the rest of the day sitting alone.  No fun for her and no fun for the rest of us because not only was she not with us having fun, but we also felt kind of guilty that she was by herself.  This year, even though the weather was frightful, she stayed with us all day.  She used the scooter when she needed it and her cane when she didn’t.  The rest of us enjoyed the use of the scooter when she wasn’t on it.  We loved that she was with us.  I got to show her parts of EPCOT I’ve never been able because of the amount of walking and standing it entails.  She was part of ALL of our experiences, not just some of them.  It was fantastic.  In fact, it was so great that I think we’ll use a scooter on all of our upcoming Disney trips.  Mom’s willingness to see herself as someone who uses a scooter as a transportation mechanism and not part of who she is saved our future trips (Mom had told me that she was thinking of not coming next time because she was holding us back).

Mom could have held on to her vision of herself as someone who did not need a scooter to enjoy herself.  Had she done so, she would have missed a lot of experiences as well as time with her family. Instead, she pulled on her driving gloves (no joke) and re-invented herself as a driver on an obstacle course who got to enjoy all of the family fun.  Separation and divorce bring so many changes to your life. How those changes affect you depend on how you view them.  Do you see yourself as someone with a failed marriage?  Maybe as a pathetic single parent?  Or as a failure because your marriage didn’t last?  Telling you to stop the negative thoughts is rarely successful unless and until you see yourself differently.  Sure, you’re now a single parent, and you are also someone who gets to invent new and different family traditions.  Maybe you now get to be the adventurer, exposing your children to new  and different experiences.  Yes, your marriage ended, and you learned what you’re looking for in a spouse, or maybe that you don’t want a spouse.  Maybe now you can be the driven executive or the world traveling nomad.

I know, you’re thinking about all those people in your life who are judging you.  They label you, and you care.  Why?  Maybe you’re now a person who doesn’t care what those people think. Maybe you’re now a person with friends who embrace who you have become and not what you are not.  This weekend, I was injured.  Running the two races fast or for time was not in my cards.  I’m sure people passed us at our leisurely pace and judged us based on our speed.  I didn’t care at all.  I was a race finisher, not a racer who always tries to run a faster time.  Because I internalized my vision of myself, what other people thought never entered my mind and I was proud to finish.  What about you?  Can you let go of what you were, what you thought you should be, and find an identity that gives you joy?   It isn’t easy, but it’s so worthwhile.  Try it.  Here in the Trenches.

Memories Matter

#1 Son and my Daughter in Love gave me a ticket to join them to see DIsney on Ice with their family as my holiday present.  I am certain it would not be the ideal holiday gift for many of you.  For me, it was the perfect present.  I love Disney, so you would think that was the reason it would appeal to me.  That’s not it.  It was the experience.  As far as I know, this was Granddaughter’s first live show.  It involved Disney princesses, which is a bit of an obsession with her right now.  I got to be with her as she experienced one of her “firsts,” and it involved something we both love.  Beyond that, it was beyond value that #1 Son and Daughter in Love wanted to share that first with me.   It was magical for all of us to watch her face as she saw her favorite characters come to life.  It was an out of this world experience to see her dance to the music and sing along with the songs.  She was so excited to have all of us with her. I will never forget that night.  The gift was priceless.  

Another gift #1 Son and Daughter in Love have given me is the opportunity to spend Monday mornings with Granddaughter. We are alone together every Monday her parents are working from 7am until 10am, when we are joined by the other Gaga.  We play games that are different than anything she does with anyone else, just like what she does with Mommy and Daddy and the other Gaga and Papas are different.  They’re our thing.  We spend Mondays making memories and sharing love.   I bring her nothing except me and pumpkin pancakes.

So often when families go through a divorce, money is tight and parents can’t afford to buy their children the things they ordinarily would have. Even worse, in some cases, one parent has the money to buy those things and does, and the other parent doesn’t.  When money is tight, parents worry that their children will suffer.  They worry that their children’s memories will be ones of deprivation.  They worry that the children will prefer the parent with money that’s being spent on them.  They worry that giving their children time with them isn’t enough.  I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, parenting is not a sprint; it’s a marathon.  Sure, in the short run, the parent with the most bling may be the preferred parent.  In the long haul, however, what children have left are memories.  Things don’t build memories; people and experiences build them.  Don’t worry about the cost - a board game, hide and seek, building a snowman, and reading stories all cost nothing but mean everything to your child.  Here in the Trenches.

It's Princess Time Again

It's that time of year, when my thoughts turn to......Disney.  It's Princess Half Marathon time.  Many of my friends roll their eyes.  Some cannot understand my passion for Disney (Like my new office rug?  Can you see Minnie Mouse? Wait until you see my finished Disney wall!).  What could I possibly find to do every year?  Why would I want to go back there all the time?  Don't I ever want to go anywhere else?

Just to clarify for all of you doubters, I have travelled extensively and will do more.  It's not that I don't want to see other things in the world.  I like Disney.  Every year that we go to Disney, every time I drive through the archway, my trip is different.  I haven't had the same trip twice yet. But that's not really what you want to know.  What you want to know is why I keep going back. I will answer you, but it might seem a bit round about.

When Disney first opened, my father was not a fan.  He went once and called it the best two trips of his life - the first and the last.  I went a couple of times as a child (I did live in Florida), and then after I had #1 Son, we had Florida resident passes and went multiple times a year.  I know, you understand that, because after all Disney is for children.  Then I moved to Maryland and pretty much stopped going.  I think we went once after Daughter was born.  It wasn't because I didn't love Disney, because I did.  I just had other things that occupied my time and other places to go.

Then Daughter went to school in Tampa, which is only an hour away from The World.  Then Office Testosterone got sick and died.  Daddy was dying slowly from Alzheimers.  Life was hard.  I needed some whimsy in may life, so I decided to run the Disney Princess Half Marathon.  I decided to do it in costume.  Now, you may think running in costume is silly and potentially embarrassing, and if I were running Boston, I'd agree with you.  But this is Disney - everyone runs in costume.  It's kind of like a big Halloween party where everyone runs.  The more elaborate or realistic the costume, the better.  Planning that first costume, I involved Office T before he died.  I had a focus which wasn't the reality of Office T and Daddy.  I was supposed to run with a friend, but she ended up unable to come, so I invited Daughter and my aunt instead.  Here's what happened.

My costume was great.  The race was tough.  My knee was hurt. I had to walk a lot.  But, I stopped and posed for pictures at every. single. character spot along the way.  It took me forever to finish the "race," but I loved it.  The weekend wasn't really about the race, though.  Daughter, aunt and I had a blast.  We went to the parks and saw them through grown up eyes.  We were silly.  We stayed as long as we wanted at attractions.  We ate in nice restaurants.  We had fun.  We were making memories together.  And Disney?  Well, Disney was magical.  The cast members are always courteous and helpful; they go out of their way to make sure your trip is perfect. And if it isn't perfect, they make it right.

The next year, Daddy had died and Mommy wanted to come.  And my cousins.  The group became large.  Our ages went from my daughter at 21 to my mother at 78.  We had a blast again.  The trip was totally different from the first, but we had fun.  More importantly, we had fun together.  Most importantly, we had fun when it wasn't a holiday, with all the stress that entails.  We made happy memories.  We were just spending time together, experiencing life with each other in a whole new way.  We make new special memories every year. Sure, over the years (we're heading into the 8th year now), we have gotten to see each other's quirks and some of those quirks are not really the most endearing.  So what?  It's part of being together.  It's become a tradition.

But why Disney?  Disney is the same place, so it's familiar every time.  It's also a different place every time we go. We haven't done the same things or had the same trip twice.  Sure, we have our favorite restaurants and attractions, but the trip as a whole is different each time.  What is the same is how we feel.  Disney is a happy place.  Disney is a well oiled machine where you know everything will be great, and if it's not, Disney will fix it.  It's a place where, for the most part, people are their better selves, where the cast members treat you as a friendly neighbor and not just another body through the gates.  The food is great and the service is wonderful.  Plus, I love the attractions.

So, that's Disney.  What is most important to those of us here in the Trenches is that my Disney tradition is a fairly recent development.  It didn't exist until 8 years ago.  Life was hard.  Unwanted change was happening.  We needed something to bring us together as a family in a positive way, because there was a lot of negative going on.  We tried something new, something we hoped would be a fun and enjoyable time for all of us.  We didn't know when we started that it was going to be an annual tradition.  We just gave it a whirl.  Here in the Trenches, lots of folks have just finished the holiday season with traditions that don't work anymore, with family relationships that have changed.  They're sad because what they once knew doesn't exist anymore and they have lost people who were a large part of their lives.  As you head into the holidays, you really can't think about how to do anything different.  It's January now, and you have 11 months to re-imagine the holidays.  You have 11 months to plan something new.  Try something different.  Maybe something really different.  Maybe not even on the holiday itself.  It might become a tradition, and it might not.  One thing is for sure, you won't dread the holidays.  You might even find a way to celebrate that you never thought would work but ends up making this year the best holiday season of your life.  You will never know unless you try.  Here in the Trenches.

Rethinking a Fall

Once a winter, like clockwork, I let my concentration lag while running, hit a crack in the sidewalk and go down.  That day was Tuesday.  Luckily, I had time to twist to the side, so I hit grass.  Unluckily, I twisted the opposite hamstring while doing it.  Never mind that I rolled, popped up and announced to my staring neighbor that I was great.  I was not.  I limped home. I’m still limping, which means I’m not running.

I have a race in a month.  Between my sinus surgery, my bronchitis in December, and now my pulled hamstring, I know I will not meet my goal of out-kicking Daughter down the final stretch.  After my 10K in October, where I almost broke an hour, I was really looking forward to continued improvement.  I was stoked to out-kick Daughter next month.  I am disappointed that goal won’t be met.  I could take my running shoes and go home. I could decide it’s not worth running if I can’t meet my goal.  If you know me, you know that’s not what I’m doing.  I’m rethinking my goal.  My new goal is finishing strong.  I’ve told my coaches that needs to be the new goal.  I’m regrouping.  Let’s be clear, regrouping is not giving up. Even though I can’t meet my original goal, I can reach a goal.  My original goal is still there for next year.  

The people who come to me here in the Trenches had goals.  Their goals were to be happily married until death us do part.  Their goals were to be successful coparents in the same house until their children were grown.  Their goals were to be that couple that’s always in sync.  They had lots of goals related to a lifelong marriage or relationship.  That they’re in my office means they didn’t meet those goals.  The reason they didn’t meet them doesn’t matter.  What matters is that those goals are now unattainable.  It’s OK for them to be disappointed.  It’s not OK for them to be stuck.  

People think that all that those of us do here in the Trenches is resolve the legal issues of divorce.  That’s what some of us do.  Most of us, however, work really hard to help our clients see past their time in the Trenches.  We help them create new goals and visions for their future lives.  We help them see what goals are possible and what are not.  Their happily ever after isn’t there the day they walk into our offices.  If we’re doing our jobs, though, our clients have vision for new goals and how to attain them when they walk out.  Here in the Trenches.

Coffee Cuddles Revisited

Last week I posted on Instagram about my morning grounding ritual with my puppy.  If you didn't see it, I said that every morning when I get up, the first thing I do is get my cup of coffee and curl up on the couch with my puppy for morning cuddles.  It's that quiet time where Puppy and I share some love and have a few moments to collect our thoughts before we start the day.  No matter how crazy the ensuing day becomes, I have these few moments of calm reflection to anchor and sustain me.  I asked my followers what they did to ground themselves for the day.  Daughter and one other person answered.  So I thought that's that.  Except it wasn't.

I went to a meeting last night with my friends here in the Trenches.  Three of them came up to me and told me that they read my post and that have their own versions of coffee cuddles. Two did it with their dogs and one with her dogs and kids.  You should have seen the looks on their faces as they talked about their coffee cuddles.  They smiled.  Their eyes lit up.  They got that wistful tone to their voices.  Coffee cuddles was an important part of all of their lives.  It seems like such a little thing, but it's not.

There's stress in the Trenches, whether you work here or are just visiting.  Self care is important in either case, and it is especially necessary when you're life is otherwise out of control.  If you're visiting the Trenches, it's essential you find something that grounds you and makes you smile.  I know it's hard, but it doesn't need to be something big, just something for you.  Here in the Trenches.

The Simpler, the Better

Sometimes, the simplest solution is the best.  I had a problem.  Every time I would try to work out, b darling puppy, Max, would use it as an opportunity to give my ear a "Wet Willy", wash my glasses and jump on my legs.  To distract him, I bought dog chews which didn't interest him long enough, and intricate dog puzzles which did not keep him busy long enough.  I despaired of getting through my exercises without his help for the rest of his long life.  Then I found "the ball." It is a simple contraption in which you insert treats, and as he rolls the ball along the floor, the treats eventually drop into a chamber and then as the rolling continues, onto the floor, where he eats them.  $12 and my problem is solved.  He loves it and can chase it around the floor for up to an hour.  It's magic. Why didn't I think of it in the first place?  Because I thought it was just too easy and that the solution had to be more complicated.

A lot of times here in the Trenches, folks think the solution has to be something really involved or complicated.  Heck, sometimes those of us who work here think that as well.  They think of complicated ways to share access with their children and convoluted ways of dividing assets or expenses. Sometimes, like I said, they drag the professionals with them. Sometimes the professionals do the dragging.  Then, at the end of the day, someone is brave enough to say "Let's back this up."  They throw everything out and look at the situation with fresh eyes.  Then, the solution usually becomes clear and it is almost always simpler that with what they started. Sometimes that moment doesn't come until there have been years of struggle, but hopefully it happens early on. I only struggled with my puppy's help exercising for a couple of months.  Life is complicated enough; navigating it shouldn't be too.  Here in the Trenches

How Litigation Compares to Mediation and Collaborative Law

We have had some massive rainfall here in South Florida.  Not only is this much rain out of season, but it is also much more water than the saturated ground can handle.  The above is a picture from one of the neighborhoods I run through while I’m down visiting Mom.  Running long distances gives me time to think, and as I ran by all this water, I thought of the Trenches.  Specifically, I thought about how all of this water relates to choosing a process for your divorce.

Divorce is a time when people are flooded with emotion.  The flood is unexpected and unwanted because the emotions are largely negative.  Yet, folks are expected to make decisions which will govern the rest of their lives while all of these feelings swirl in their minds.  I don’t know if you can see it in the picture, but there’s a car in the driveway to the left.  I’m imagining the driver coming out of the house to go somewhere NOW, and being faced with driving through all of that standing water to get out.  The driver doesn’t know what’s under the water, whether it’s safe, whether the car will be swamped.  What they do know is that they have to be somewhere now and they have to use that car to get there.  That’s what litigation feels like.  It feels like having to make huge, important decisions under the pressure of time and without the luxury of gathering any last minute information necessary to make an informed decision, and often without having any control over the outcome.  Settlements often occur on the eve of trial, or a person in a black robe makes the decision instead.  

What if, instead, the driver knew about the water and knew that in a few hour’s or a few day’s time, they had had to be somewhere?  They could wait and see if the water subsided.  They could build a ramp or a bridge over the water.  They could call a friend for a ride.  They could call an Uber, Lyft or taxi.  They could walk.  They could postpone their appointment.  They could call an engineer to advise them.  They could do a lot of things because they would have the time to gather the necessary information, process it and make an informed decision.  That’s what mediation and Collaboration feel like.  They feel like having the time to reflect on what’s important. They feel like spending as much time as necessary to get the answer that’s right for the family.  They feel like being able to ask that one last question to get the one piece of information that will make all the difference to the outcome.  They feel like having the freedom to ask the person with the most pertinent knowledge their opinion. They feel like reality testing possible solutions until they find the one that makes the most sense.

If it were you, what would you rather do?  Here in the Trenches.

Beware of Black Ice

I went out early for a long run.  As I went down the road, I saw police lights and then a car that had crossed onto the road divide and hit a tree.  We had rain the day before, and even though it had stopped, a little water remained on the roads which promptly froze when the temperatures dipped to freezing.  Obviously, this car rode over one of those patches in the dark.  Maybe the driver was going too fast, but probably she wasn’t.  Maybe she didn’t see the black ice, or maybe she discounted it.  She simply wasn’t prepared for that road condition.  Don’t worry, she seemed to be unharmed.  The car was another matter.

Here in the Trenches, life is a lot like driving a car.  When emotions are raw and the case is heated it’s like driving in the snow or pouring rain.  People know to be careful.  They worry about moving too fast into another relationship.  They are prepared to have some emotional issues around the holidays.  They worry about how their children are going to cope.  All of those things are at the forefront of their minds.  When the case settles and the emotionality wanes, it looks like blue skies and dry roads. The problem is, that it’s really like the road I saw yesterday - mostly clear with largely invisible ice patches that trip up those who don’t expect them.  The holidays tend to be one of those icy patches.  Family traditions change, but the memory of them remains, and not just for the divorcing couple, but also for their children and extended family.  Often, the holidays are a time when people feel that loss keenly.  Sadness is OK.  Depression is not.

The holiday season can be a huge trap for folks who have ever been in the Trenches.  Everyone, including you, expects to be happy.  Sometimes, the loss is overwhelming and it comes out at unexpected times.  It catches you unaware.  Then, when you feel the loss, you also worry that your children feel it every bit as deeply.  Some tips to make it through the next few weeks:

1.  Cut yourself a break.  No one is happy all the time.
2.  Find some quiet time to do something for you.  For me, it’s watching a holiday movie or going on a run.  For others, it could be taking a hot bath, a long walk in the woods, or simply reading a book.
3.  Create a new holiday tradition.  Have you been meaning to go see that new light display or drive the neighborhood looking at the house lights?
4.  Do something not holiday related.  People laugh when I say a Jewish Christmas tradition is going out for Chinese food, but for many families, it’s a tradition that’s fun and not holiday related.   Do it.
5.  Do something for others less fortunate.  Give the to Salvation Army, the Rescue Mission.  Volunteer at a homeless shelter.  Really put some thought into Toys for Tots.
6.  DO NOT immerse yourself in alcohol or drugs; they just make you feel worse in the end.
7.  If you feel like you’ll never be happy again or think of self harm, please get help.  Call the suicide prevention hotline (1-800-273-8255) or your therapist, or go to the nearest emergency room.

Here in the Trenches.

The Dog and the Coyote

I came home from work early the other day and decided to take my puppy for a long walk.  As we walked around our local lake, we came across an animal ahead of us who looked like a dog.  There was no owner, and as I looked more carefully, I recognized the coyote who lives in the woods near our home.  The coyote had been coming toward us, but when he saw us, he stopped and turned the other way.  He walked about 20 yards up the path and then stopped again, turned and looked at us.  We, of course, stopped as well.  Then he turned and walked another 20 yards up the path, and repeated his behavior.  Puppy and I decided that we would be brave another day, and turned around and walked the other way.  Had we continued on our chosen path, we didn't know what the coyote would do.  He could have been sizing us up as a threat, or looking at my pup for some lunch.  We decided not to find out because we had the option to turn around and go another way and the time to  take it.  We still had a lovely walk, just not the one we thought we would have.

Many times here in the Trenches, clients walk along the path to separation or divorce and come across obstacles.  Some obstacles are easily identified as harmless or harmful.  Others are not. Often there is another path that avoids the obstacle.  The problem when you're in the Trenches is that emotions often rule.  Some people are so anxious to get out of the Trenches that they don't realize that they have time for a different path. Some people just can't see the other path because of anger, fear or anxiety.  Others don't want to take the other path because they don't want to be inconvenienced or because they are unable to see the other path is acceptable.  Some people take the other path.  Whichever path a client takes will ultimately get them to the end and out of the Trenches, but the result and the feeling about that result may be entirely different depending on the path taken.  Remember there's almost always another path; the question is whether you want to take it.  Here in the Trenches.

An Informed Consumer : The Successful DIvorce Client

What kind of car do you own?  Is it a Kia?  Is it a Hyundai?  Maybe a Mercedes?  What about a Tesla?  Why does any of this matter? They're all just cars, right?  Wrong.  You may think you're just buying a car, but you're not.  You're buying a statement of who you are.  You are buying an experience.  It just happens to look like a car.  The people who think Kias are cool cars are not the people who would always buy a Mercedes.  The folks who drive Teslas are not the ones who buy Hyundais. Mercedes screams luxury and wealth.  Tesla says you're cutting edge as well as environmentally friendly.  Kias are cute but utilitarian cars.  Hyundais are for folks who want a little luxury but not the luxury price tag.  Sales people know this.  They sell the image and the experience that goes with it.  Check out the showrooms for the different car brands if you don't believe me.

Lawyers think they sell legal knowledge.  They think they sell legal expertise.  They think they sell their courtroom experience.  They're wrong.  They sell the process itself.

Most clients assume competence.  You heard me, they assume competence.  That means all the things lawyers think clients are looking for, they assume we already have.  They come into our offices assuming that we know how to solve their problem.  They trust that we know the best way to do that. Here’s what they don’t know.

There are 5 possible processes that a client can use to resolve their problems in the Trenches:  kitchen table negotiations, mediation, collaborative practice, lawyer-to-lawyer negotiation and litigation.  As lawyers, we have an ethical duty to make sure our clients exercise informed consent over which process works for them.  That means we have to describe in detail all 5 processes.  The difficulty is that every lawyer has a preference for process.  Just like the Tesla dealer isn’t going to tell the customer that a Prius is also environmentally friendly at a much lower price tag, or a Mercedes dealer won’t talk about how luxurious a Hyundai Genesis is, so a lawyer who likes to litigate is going to skew toward emphasizing litigation over mediation.  Those same lawyers will downplay the value of collaborative practice.  Likewise, lawyers who love collaborative practice will emphasize the benefits of that process over litigation or mediation.  Clients trust us, so they follow our lead about the choice of process and rarely ask questions.  That might be a mistake, because process determines outcome.  Each of these processes has a different result in terms of experience, cost, future relationship, and even outcome.  Just like there is a type of car for every type of person, there is a type of process that is appropriate for every family.

What does all of this mean for clients?  It means that, just as with everything else, clients need to be well-informed consumers.  Lawyers need to be in less of a rush to suggest process, and educate clients of their process options.  Clients need to insist on being fully informed on the choice of process, which includes the pros and the cons in an even-handed way.  Often, lawyers are afraid to spend an entire appointment doing this important education piece because they don’t think a client would find value in a meeting in which they do not come away with “legal advice” about their problem.  To be sure, there are clients who simply want a solution to their problem and aren’t interested in process choice.  Most of those folks don’t read this blog.  Most clients are completely unaware that their choice of process determines their outcome; once they do, once they know they have a choice as to how they move forward, these clients see that a discussion of process choice is the most important discussion they will have in their family law case.  For them, a discussion of process choice is legal advice.  Most clients are thrilled to know they are not forced to fit their experience into one type of process because they want at least some control over their future.

What kinds of questions should the client ask for each process?  Here are a few:

1.  How much control would I have over the outcome?  Who makes the ultimate decisions?
2.  How much would I be required to participate?
3.  What is the lawyer’s role?  Are there differences in confidentiality and information sharing in the processes?
4.  What if I have trouble communicating to the other party?
5.  How do we gather necessary information?  How can we be sure we have it all?
6.  What happens if the other party isn’t being honest?
7.  Why would I choose one process over another?
8.  What might happen after the end of our case?  What is the likelihood of future issues?  What is the likelihood of resolving future issues?
9.  How does this process help me reach my goals for the future?
10.  What is the lawyer’s preferred method of dispute resolution?  Do they practice all of the processes, or just some?  Why is that - what is their philosophy?  How comfortable are they in each method?
11.  How quickly can each process resolve our issues?
12.  What is the range of costs for each process?  What drives the cost for each process?
13.  How are decisions made in each process?

Know what you’re buying and be an informed consumer.  Here in the Trenches.

Heat Adapting Your divorce

I run outside year-round.  I run in the beautiful weather of spring and fall.  I run in the heat of summer.  I run in the cold of winter. I love running in the cold or cooler weather.  When you run in the cold, the pace planned is the pace you run.  There's no humidity to stress your lungs.  Sure, it's cold, but you can warm the air you breathe.  There are no adjustments to pace.  Unfortunately, most of my races are in the Florida heat, because I run Disney. Running in the cold doesn't prepare you for running in the heat.  The humidity makes the air heavy.  It's harder to breathe.  Your legs feel heavier.  In the heat, you have adjust your pace.  You slow down.  Even your speed workouts are slower.  Otherwise, you'd probably end up with heat stroke.  Even though I would much prefer to run in the milder weather, or even the cold, I have to run in the heat in order to prepare for my races.  Otherwise, I could never finish any of my Florida races, let alone being successful in them. My coaches know this and help me heat adapt and adjust.  I couldn't do it without them.

Most people live their lives in the beautiful weather of spring and fall.  Sometimes, things get a little cold, but it always goes back to spring and fall.  Except when it doesn't.  Except when they end up in the Trenches.  Then, it's perpetual summer.  Lots of folks don't take that into account.  They certainly aren't prepared for it.  It requires a whole different set of skills.  They need to pace themselves differently.  They don't know how.  They need help.  Those of us who work in the Trenches, the lawyers, the therapists, the financial professionals, all know how to help people pace themselves while they are in the Trenches.  That's what we do.  It's how our clients successfully move successfully through their divorce and custody case and rebuild their lives in a different way.  Here in the Trenches.

Talking About What Matters - The Wound That Heals

Family comes in all shapes and sizes.  Some family, you're born with; some people become family.  Twelve years ago, I became part of a group of people who joined together to teach Collaborative Practice to other professionals.  We were, and are, an interesting group of people.  These folks are amazing.  They are some of the smartest, deepest thinking people I know.  You should see the amazing trainings these folks create - they take your breath away.  OK, I also had a role in creating one or two trainings, but every group of smart folks needs a worker bee like me.

When we started as a group, we had plenty of growing pains.  It looks us all a while to let down our guards (OK, it took me a while to do that).  We got to know each other gradually, over the course of quarterly meetings over the years and multi-day trainings where we ate breakfast, lunch and dinner together.  We became friends and then a family of sorts.  Unfortunately, as wonderful and supportive family can be, it can also be a little bit dysfunctional.

Here's the deal with family.  Over time, the members stop putting the effort into the relationship like they did in the early days. The members forget to tell each other how they feel.  They forget to tell them how much they appreciate them.  They stop talking about the things that matter.  They say thoughtless things that hurt.  The wounded party doesn't feel they can say how they feel and why.  What happens next is that everyone develops their own internal dialogue about the relationship in which they make assumptions about everyone's motivations.  Those assumptions are almost always wrong, but because no one is talking about what matters, the wound festers. Sometimes, that wound is fatal to the relationship when it isn't debrided, cleaned and exposed to the air.

You would think that when a relationship is important enough, people would do anything to repair it. If you ask most people, that's what they would tell you. The problem is that debriding a wound is uncomfortable, painful even.  It also makes them vulnerable.  People don't love pain and they avoid vulnerability at almost all costs.  They especially don't love experiencing it willingly.  So, they avoid it, even if it means a relationship dies.  We see it all the time in the Trenches.  We've had a little bit of that in our training group.  Even though we're collaborative professionals, we're still people, and sometimes we forget to talk about the things that matter too, and recently we discovered that there were things we should have talked about and feelings we should have acknowledged, but didn't.

Once a family gets to that point, they need help to talk about the things that matter.  Most of the time, when they come into the Trenches, they don't get that help.  Instead, the professionals involved erect more walls, create more distance and reopen old wounds.  The family relationship gets worse and not better.  Of course, the family still has to interact, so that's not helpful.  Or perhaps, they decide to no longer interact, ending the relationship, and that's not helpful either.  What if, when a family came into the Trenches, all of the professionals were committed to helping them communicate, to say what needs to be said, and to find a way through the hurt, misunderstandings and move forward with a better relationship into the future?  What if those professionals guided them to reconnect with their common purpose and goals, instead of focusing on the things that drove them apart?  The family would stay together, probably not in the same house, but they would be able to be there to support each other as they move on their separate paths.  That's Collaborative Practice.  So much better than drawing battle lines and staying in armed camps.  It's what our training group is doing with each other because our relationship matters.  Here in the Trenches.

Sometimes, It's Enough to Just Get Out of Bed

After over two years of sinus infections (OK, maybe just the same sinus infection I never overcame), visits to the naturopath, the acupuncturist, the Chinese herbalist, the immunologist,  and the ENT, I finally had sinus surgery 10 days ago.  It was major surgery - general anesthesia and overnight hospital stay.  The blessing and the curse was that I have had no pain. The other interesting thing about may surgery is that it's invisible to the naked eye - no one but me and my surgeon can tell I've had it done, unless I tell you.  Because I have no pain, I think I should be doing better than I am.  Because I can't see a scar, I think the surgery wasn't so serious.  I feel like I should be able to go to work, walk a few miles, do some shopping and housekeeping, and still feel fine.  The reality is I work half a day and need a nap.  I walk a mile or two and lie down for a couple of hours.  I do some housecleaning and have to be careful not to lift anything over 5 pounds, or I feel awful from the strain and I need another nap.  I have to keep reminding myself to cut myself some slack, because, after all, I just had major surgery.  It's hard to remember, but thankfully my body reminds

Grief is a lot like my sinuses.  It's invisible to the naked eye.  Unless the grieving person tells you, or are otherwise aware of the circumstances, you may never know they grieve.  Some days, grief is overwhelming.  Other days, you forget it's there....until it reminds you.  The problem with grief is its invisibility.  Others can't see it either and because they're not experiencing it, they forget it's there too.    After time, you figure you should be feeling better; other people figure you should be feeling better.  Funny thing about "should", all it adds is stress.  Just like my post-op self will feel better when I heal,  you will stop grieving when it's time, and not before.  That may mean never, or that may mean tomorrow.  You can't rush the grieving process.  Here in the Trenches.

Resilience - Not a Dirty Word

Image Credits

Creator:Timothy L. Hale

Credit:U.S. Army Reserve Command

Copyright:Public Domain

Resilience. It can be a good thing.  I know, at least in one of the counties where I try cases, “resilient” is a bad word when it comes to children. I beg to differ.  Resilience is defined by our good friends at Merrimack-Webster as “an ability to recover from or adjust easily to misfortune or change.”  We, of course, don’t want our children exposed to high conflict situations, but it happens, even in intact families.  Even as we don’t want our children to experience adversity, without it a child doesn’t learn how to deal with it or with change.  Most of us would rather our children are exposed to little disappointments in order to become resilient, but that doesn’t always happen; sometimes big and ugly things are on the horizon.  I think we do children a disservice when we don’t teach them resilience, because then they do not become resilient adults.

Resilient adults make good clients Here in the Trenches.  Their minds have a plasticity that allows them to roll with the punches.  They don’t play the helpless victim; they work on strategies to try to solve their own problems.  They know that their time in the Trenches is finite and that there’s a different tomorrow once they leave us.  Not all of my clients are resilient.

Of course, that raises a whole different question, why is it that some people thrive through adversity (and are resilient), and some do not?  Why do two people exposed to the same situation internalize it differently?  I don’t know.  What do those people who thrive have that others don't?  If you aren't naturally resilient, is there any hope of change?

Luckily, the folks at the Mayo Clinic think you can improve your resilience.  Here are their tips:

Tips to improve your resilience

Working on your mental well-being is just as important as working on your physical health. If you want to strengthen your resilience, try these tips:

• Get connected. Build strong, positive relationships with family and friends, who provide support and acceptance. Volunteer, get involved in your community, or join a faith or spiritual community.
• Find meaning. Develop a sense of purpose for your life. Having something meaningful to focus on can help you share emotions, feel gratitude and experience an enhanced sense of well-being.
• Start laughing. Finding humor in stressful situations doesn't mean you're in denial. Humor is a helpful coping mechanism. If you can't find any humor in a situation, turn to other sources for a laugh, such as a funny book or movie.
• Learn from experience. Think back on how you've coped with hardships in the past. Build on skills and strategies that helped you through the rough times, and don't repeat those that didn't help.
• Remain hopeful. You can't change what's happened in the past, but you can always look toward the future. Find something in each day that signals a change for the better. Expect good results.
• Take care of yourself. Tend to your own needs and feelings, both physically and emotionally. This includes participating in activities and hobbies you enjoy, exercising regularly, getting plenty of sleep and eating well.
• Keep a journal. Write about your experiences, thoughts and feelings. Journaling can help you experience strong emotions you may otherwise be afraid to unleash. It also can help you see situations in a new way and help you identify patterns in your behavior and reactions.
• Accept and anticipate change. Expecting changes to occur makes it easier to adapt to them, tolerate them and even welcome them. With practice, you can learn to be more flexible and not view change with as much anxiety.
• Work toward a goal. Do something every day that gives you a sense of accomplishment. Even small, everyday goals are important. Having goals helps you look toward the future.
• Take action. Don't just wish your problems would go away or try to ignore them. Instead, figure out what needs to be done, make a plan and take action.
• Maintain perspective. Look at your situation in the larger context of your own life and of the world. Keep a long-term perspective and know that your situation can improve if you actively work at it.
• Practice stress management and relaxation techniques.Restore an inner sense of peace and calm by practicing such stress-management and relaxation techniques as yoga, meditation, deep breathing, visualization, imagery, prayer or muscle relaxation.

You can become more resilient, and as you do, you are modeling resilience for your children. Children need that every bit as much as they need you to model appropriate conflict resolution.  Take care of yourself. Take care of children.  If you do, you will spend less time and money with me and be more satisfied moving you life forward.  Here in the Trenches.

Cheater, Cheater?

A friend of mine reposted the above photo on her FB wall the other day.  It prompted a lively debate. Some people posted that if you were planning a surprise for your partner, you might delete messages. OK, they have a point, but we all know that’s not what the statement in the photo is about.  To me the operative words are “gotta delete.”  I can think of reasons why I might want to delete messages, for example if I said something unflattering about my partner to another person in a fit of pique at them.  Of course that I couldn’t say whatever I wrote to my partner and that I shared our private business with a third party (who is not my therapist) are entirely other issues, but again, not the point of the statement in the picture.

An individual posted that the statement is  “wrong! They can be harmless but ppl get mad over nothing.  Avoiding a fight is not cheating.”  This person is correct that it’s not cheating.  It’s not.  That said, that you feel you “gotta delete” texts is a huge red flag.  When you have to edit what you say to ward off a pointless fight, that’s a sign of an unhealthy relationship and coercive control.  When your partner is “super jealous,” that is an example of a incomplete emotional development, and again, many times an excuse utilized to exercise coercive control.  This person went on to say that “you know how young men are.”  Uh, no.  My son is a young man, and I would be concerned beyond belief if he engaged in this type of behavior.  I’d be asking whether he had a concrete, articulable reason not to trust his partner, and if not, I’d strongly suggest therapy. That type of behavior is not just boys being boys - it is never excusable.  Staying with someone who acts in this way is also a sign of a need for therapeutic intervention.

Let’s look back at the statement in the picture.  I would add to it that if you delete your call history, talk to someone only in the wee hours of the morning or when your partner isn’t around, you’re already there.  Here in the Trenches what we see time and again are physical affairs that occur after long periods of heavy secret communications.  I understand that you are entitled to have private communications with other people.  Heck, we all are and we do.  I don’t condone your partner demanding to see your text messages (I am drawing a distinction between asking to see them because of prior unfaithfulness and demanding to see them, even with adequate cause).  That behavior’s not appropriate either.  The point of the statement in the photo is that if you feel you have to make sure your partner doesn’t know you are communicating with a certain person, have to make sure that your partner doesn’t see the extent of your communication with a certain person, or have to delete the content of your communications with a certain person, you are being unfaithful to the relationship.  Is it adultery? No, not because you’re not being unfaithful, but because adultery is defined by state law and in all states I know of, requires the physical act of sexual intercourse and marriage.

While we’re talking about being unfaithful, are there other areas of your life you hide from your partner?  My grandma used to cut the tags off clothes she would buy and quickly put them in the back of the closet for a week before wearing them, so that when grandpa would ask her if the dress was new, she could honestly say it had been sitting in her closet for some time.  Grandma’s story was part of the family lore, but it was cheating, not by the time we came along, because by then grandpa knew what she was doing and it was a game, but back when she started it when they had no money and that dress could make a huge difference in their daily lives. Financial cheating is not just embezzling money, buying a new car without discussing it, or withdrawing all of your retirement savings; it’s also the little stuff like hiding the credit card statements or lying about how much something cost.  Sure, you could be like that person on FB and say that it’s just to avoid a fight over something little, but we know in our hearts that’s not true.  We know there’d be a fight because what we did was dishonest, and instead of working on the underlying problem, we chose to lie about it.

Shall we talk parenting?  Of course we shall, because that’s my favorite topic.  How many sitcoms have revolved around something a parent did wrong with the children, which they made worse by lying about it to the other parent?  Here in the Trenches, co-parenting is hard.  it’s hard because we might not have agreed with our partner’s parenting decisions while we were together.  It’s hard because maybe our child was conceived when we didn’t really have a relationship with the other parent, and we ended up having a child with someone with whom we do not share values. It’s hard to say to the other parent that you’re not going to do it their way, explain why, and attempt to come to a compromise, so some people cheat.  They lie about the children’s bedtimes, what they had for dinner, how well they supervised them, whether they checked their homework.  They lie because they know the other parent won’t agree with them or because they have previously agreed not do the very thing they have done.  (Sort of like investing your intimate self with a person who is not your partner when you’ve promised to invest those very things in your partner.).  When you lie like this to the other parent, you are eroding the foundation of a strong co-parenting relationship rather than investing in the hard work necessary to provide your children with the parenting structure they need to thrive.

The lie, the deleting the text, erasing the call history, and cutting off the price tags are not what makes you unfaithful - the realization that you HAVE to do those things means that you know you are doing something that is wrong.  It may not be what I think is wrong or the person next to you thinks is wrong, but it is wrong for you, your relationship or your family.  It is wrong for the continuation of a relationship of trust.  It deprives you of the ability to build a stronger, more effective relationship.  It is cheating.  It is being unfaithful.  Even if you never have a physical affair.  Here in the Trenches.

The Value of Coaching

Yesterday, I ran the Tampa Bay Whiskey Run 10k.  I really trained for this race.  I joined a coaching program and followed it religiously.  Sure, there were bumps along the way:  I had twinges in my hips here and there that caused me to take a few days off; I ran some workouts too fast or too hard and needed more recovery.  Even with the bumps, I felt really prepared for the race.  Then, the unexpected happened:  Daughter decided she shouldn’t run because of her lack of training; the weather was much warmer than planned, with no breeze.  I wanted to run the race in under one hour. That didn’t happen. I ran it in 1:00:50.  So close, yet so far.  Still, I’m really pleased.  Why?

I could have been unhappy that I didn’t meet the goal I set for myself.  I could have felt that because I  didn’t meet my goal, all that training was for nothing. Sure, I’m disappointed that I missed my goal by less than a minute.  Let’s look at the positives.  I set a new personal record for that race distance, by six minutes, which is huge.  That means I ran each mile a minute faster than I ever have.  I ran a race under less than ideal conditions, by myself, with no one to talk to and nothing to listen to, and finished strong. I look great in my post race picture (why is it I look better in my workout photos than I do in the ones for which I preen?).  I see the value of the coaching, I didn’t die doing speed and distance work, so I was fit enough to race under adverse weather conditions.  All good things.  I’ll break that one hour mark in the next race.

Here in the Trenches, it’s disappointing when a relationship doesn’t work out. Especially when children are involved, there are a lot of life adjustments that need to be made.  No one thinks it’s ideal to have their children with them less than all the time.  It’s hard to share children with someone with whom you no longer share a life and with whom your values may differ.  There are so many things outside your control, especially what happens at the other parent’s house.  It’s anxiety producing, and heaven knows no one needs more anxiety.  What are parents to do?

Take steps to reduce the anxiety, of course.  In the Trenches, like with my running coaching, that means hard work.  It means thinking about the variables in your children’s lives.  It means having discussions with the other parent.  It means working through your anger and disappointment enough to co-parent with the person with whom you share a child.  It means developing a framework and a process to do that.  Helping you find solutions, coaching you through the process, teaching you to regroup when things don’t go according to plan - that’s our job in the Trenches.

Even though we can all parent, just like we can all run, sometimes you need a professional to help you do it better and more effectively, and to handle life’s curve balls.  Professionals don’t let you take the easy way, when it is not the better way.  They hold you accountable to your higher self, because we all know there are days when we’d rather do what’s easy.  They give you the tools to keep yourself doing what you ought to do, and to be able to regroup when things don’t go as they ought.  They cheer you on when things don’t go well and when things do.  The right professionals are an investment in your children’s healthy future.  Sure, you can do it yourself - for years I ran without a coach.  It was so much better and effective with one, and didn’t cost as much as I thought.  Just a thought.  Here in the Trenches.

The Man in the Arena (and the Trenches)

Last weekend, I took the Road Runners Club of America Level I Coaching Certification Course.  Thirty five or so of us attended, and really the only thing we had in common was that we all loved to run.  I was a stand out at the training, but not in the way you might think.  I am a run/walker, which means I combine intervals of running and walking into all of my runs.  It has kept me injury free for years, so I'm sticking with it.  Many "serious" runners don't consider me to be a real runner, because to them, real runners run the entire run; only beginners walk part of the run.  I wish I could say that their attitude didn't bother me, but it did.  I could feel the judgment.  No one who knows me would say I'm not a runner.  I may not be the fastest person in the world, but I am a solid middle of the pack runner.  I was also the only person in the room who warms up before each and every run, no exceptions.  The instructors didn't believe me; then when they did, they looked at me like I had three heads.  I shouldn't have cared, but I did.  Finally, I just said it was because I'm injury-prone, and that seemed to satisfy them..  I'm not changing how I run, but I sure felt uncomfortable so I made an excuse to make my choices seem more palatable to others. .

Daughter is getting married.  She and her fiancé are doing it their way.  We're going to have a taco bar, and lawn games.  They are not, at this point, making this a state-sanctioned union. Their wedding is going to be a ceremony of commitment between them, in front of their closest family and friends.  Their union is no less committed (and maybe even more so) than a lot of "legal" marriages.  What's more, they are comfortable with their choice.  The problem is that other people are not, and are voicing their judgments on their choice.  They feel the judgment and it doesn't feel good.  They know what others think shouldn't bother them, but it does. They're not changing what's right for them.

Here in the Trenches, divorce comes with lots of judgments.  You're judged if you had an affair.  You're judged if your spouse has an affair.  You're judged if you leave your spouse.  You're judged if your spouse leaves you.  You're judged if you have custody of your children; you're judged if you don't.  People who used to be your friends aren't any more.  Some people even stop talking to you.  Some people start talking to you because you're divorced.  Unlike me with my running, and Daughter with her wedding, a divorce isn't something most people would choose to do if they had a chance. That doesn't make all of those judgments feel any more or less awful.  When you're in the Trenches, however, you are already under stress, so your ability to handle the judgments is decreased.  It's hard to say you don't give a fig when your entire life is shifting and changing.  You start to second guess yourself and your actions.  You wonder if all those people on the periphery are actually right.  I can't answer that for you; I can't know whether their judgments are correct.  What I do know is that Theodore Roosevelt was right, when he said:

“It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who neither know victory nor defeat.”

Here in the Trenches.

From the Mouths of Babes - Avoiding Divorce

(Sorry you can't see her cuteness from the front, but she's in the 

Baby Protection Program)

During the school year, I am the Monday morning babysitter for my almost two year old granddaughter.  It's probably my most favorite job.  Grandbaby is really into trust falls right now. You know what those are:  they are when you go to the edge of a ledge, or you collapse backwards and simply fall, trusting that there is someone there to catch you so you don't hurt yourself.  Secure children do it effortlessly.  Once we become adults, we have to go to team building retreats to learn how to do it all over again.  But I digress.

Grandbaby climbs up on her ledge.  She looks me straight in the eye.  She gets the biggest smile on her face, you know, the kind that goes all the way up your eyes.  Then she falls.  She knows I'm going to catch her.  There is not a doubt in her mind that's what Grandma is going to do - again and again.  In fact, she's positive I will never let her fall.  Thank goodness I still have good reflexes!  Grandbaby's trust falls have a lot to teach us about how to stay out of the Trenches.  You know what they say about the mouthes of babes...... As I reflect on it, I have 5 main lessons:

1.  Pay attention.  When I am with Grandbaby, my phone is in my bag.  It is not in my hand (unless I'm taking a picture of her cuteness!).  It is not on the chair next to me.  It is not in my back pocket.  When I am with Grandbaby, I am WITH Grandbaby.  She is my entire focus for the 3 hours before the other grandma comes.  I understand I am only with her one day a week, but how many of you make your spouse your entire focus for even 30 minutes one day a week?  Not many, I bet.  I know you're tired at the end of the day and really just want to vege out, but paying attention is important.  It  keeps the relationship moving and it builds trust.

2.  Be where they are.  When I'm with Grandbaby, I am not thinking about what I want to do.  I am focused on what she wants.  Trust me, no sane adult wants to build a tower and have it knocked down a zillion times, or play which stuffed animal gets to be in the crib with baby and which ones have to sit in the chair. That's what she wants to do, and so that's what we do.  I am showing an interest in what she wants without expecting her to do the same for me (even if she could at this age).  I never let her know that the zillionth tower is any less exciting than the first.   I know, listening to your spouse drone on about a topic that interests you not at all is hard, but we all know when people aren't really listening to us; try really listening and see what happens.  Every once in a while do an activity you don't love but your spouse does (and do not let your spouse know how much you hate it and are just doing it for them).

3.  Be predictable.  I don't mean be boring.  When Grandma comes in the morning, she brings pancakes.  Every time.  In fact, I am so predictable on this that when I babysat at night, Grandbaby pointed to my bag and said "cake, cakes." When the other grandma comes, Grandbaby expects different things from her.  She feels secure because she knows she can count on us for certain things.  It's not many things, but they're important to her.  Children aren't the only ones who need predictability.  Adults need to know that if you say you're going to be home at 6, then you're at home at six.  When you say you'll mow the lawn, paint the room, do the laundry, that you'll actually do them and don't have to be nagged.  Don't let your predictability be that you don't do what you say - it's a sure relationship killer.

4.  Let them know the relationship is important.  Do you really want to be known for always missing milestone occasions?  I get it, the greeting card industry is a racket, but I'm not talking about buying a card.  Unless a judge or a doctor absolutely cannot accommodate me (and that is rare because being with Grandbaby is a priority) or I'm sick, which unfortunately has happened a bit more than I'd like, I am there on Monday.  Is it a pain to get up at 5am so I can be at Grandbaby's home before 7?  You betcha.  Is it deadly when I had an event that ended late the night before? Oh yes.  I am, however, there.  How canyon let your spouse know they're important to you?

5.  You can't downplay the value of touch and laughter.  Grandbaby gets lots of huggles.  We hold hands a lot.  I pick her up and carry her.  She gets "zerbets" on her tummy.  We giggle and laugh (as do the school crossing guards who watch us running down the street, counting trees). Truth be told, I love my huggles too.  Human beings need touch.  They need laughter.  Life is hard.  Days are long. Children are tiring.  I get it.  When was the last time you and your spouse touched?  I am not talking about sex or foreplay.  I am talking about holding hands, touching a hand or a shoulder, giving a hug. Touch without expectation of anything else is magical.  When life gets in the way, sometimes that gets put to the side; and the relationship suffers.

Will following all of these lessons from Mondays with Grandbaby keep you out of the Trenches?  Maybe.  Not following any of them, however, will bring you to my door.  Here in the Trenches.