Beware of Black Ice

I went out early for a long run.  As I went down the road, I saw police lights and then a car that had crossed onto the road divide and hit a tree.  We had rain the day before, and even though it had stopped, a little water remained on the roads which promptly froze when the temperatures dipped to freezing.  Obviously, this car rode over one of those patches in the dark.  Maybe the driver was going too fast, but probably she wasn’t.  Maybe she didn’t see the black ice, or maybe she discounted it.  She simply wasn’t prepared for that road condition.  Don’t worry, she seemed to be unharmed.  The car was another matter.

Here in the Trenches, life is a lot like driving a car.  When emotions are raw and the case is heated it’s like driving in the snow or pouring rain.  People know to be careful.  They worry about moving too fast into another relationship.  They are prepared to have some emotional issues around the holidays.  They worry about how their children are going to cope.  All of those things are at the forefront of their minds.  When the case settles and the emotionality wanes, it looks like blue skies and dry roads. The problem is, that it’s really like the road I saw yesterday - mostly clear with largely invisible ice patches that trip up those who don’t expect them.  The holidays tend to be one of those icy patches.  Family traditions change, but the memory of them remains, and not just for the divorcing couple, but also for their children and extended family.  Often, the holidays are a time when people feel that loss keenly.  Sadness is OK.  Depression is not.

The holiday season can be a huge trap for folks who have ever been in the Trenches.  Everyone, including you, expects to be happy.  Sometimes, the loss is overwhelming and it comes out at unexpected times.  It catches you unaware.  Then, when you feel the loss, you also worry that your children feel it every bit as deeply.  Some tips to make it through the next few weeks:

1.  Cut yourself a break.  No one is happy all the time.
2.  Find some quiet time to do something for you.  For me, it’s watching a holiday movie or going on a run.  For others, it could be taking a hot bath, a long walk in the woods, or simply reading a book.
3.  Create a new holiday tradition.  Have you been meaning to go see that new light display or drive the neighborhood looking at the house lights?
4.  Do something not holiday related.  People laugh when I say a Jewish Christmas tradition is going out for Chinese food, but for many families, it’s a tradition that’s fun and not holiday related.   Do it.
5.  Do something for others less fortunate.  Give the to Salvation Army, the Rescue Mission.  Volunteer at a homeless shelter.  Really put some thought into Toys for Tots.
6.  DO NOT immerse yourself in alcohol or drugs; they just make you feel worse in the end.
7.  If you feel like you’ll never be happy again or think of self harm, please get help.  Call the suicide prevention hotline (1-800-273-8255) or your therapist, or go to the nearest emergency room.

Here in the Trenches.