TGIF

Wishing You and Yours 

A

Happy New Year

The Theory of Crazy and Sane

I know, the office is closed until the end of the year.  Do you really think I leave it all behind?  Not a chance.  The phones are still being answered, and the emails checked.  I can't help it, it's what we do here in the Trenches.  Anyway, I was having coffee with my law school friend, and we talked about families, and of course, the Trenches.  We came around to my theory of crazy and sane.  I don't know if I've expounded on my theory here before, but even if I have, it bears repeating.  In a custody battle between a relatively normal parent (isn't it always relative?) and a parent with a high conflict personality, the high conflict personality almost always wins, at least in the short run.  Why is that?  It's actually pretty logical, if you stop and think about it.  A normal parent will always love their child, not matter what, even if they don't particularly like their behavior.  They're safe.  They're the parent with expectations of the children, beyond what the children can do for them.  They're always there when the going gets rough. The high conflict parent?  Not safe.  Loving the other parent is not OK to this parent.  They have to be the only parent loved by the child. Children know that instinctively.  The high conflict parent forces the child to choose between parents, and they almost always choose the high conflict parent.  For them to do otherwise means they lose the love of one of their parents.  What child would freely choose to lose the love of a parent?  Almost none, so they choose the high conflict parent, knowing the normal parent will forgive them and continue to love them.  Crappy choice, but in the theory of crazy and sane, it's probably the only reasonable one.

Why I love Facebook

I had a good friend back in law school.  I really liked her and we were pretty close.  Then, I moved to Maryland.  We still kept in touch - Christmas cards, mostly.  Until the year the Christmas card came back.  I thought it might be just a glitch with the postal service, so I sent a card the next year.  It came back too.  I couldn't believe my friend had moved and didn't let me know.  I still don't know what happened with the Christmas card.  What came afterward was almost 19 years without contact.  Then came Facebook.  Here in the Trenches, we like Facebook because of the incriminating information we find.   We like it because our clients and their spouses find their long lost loves on Facebook and leave their spouses.  This year, we like it for different reasons.  We like it because we can find our law school friend and have coffee with her for the first time in 19 years (and four children between us).  We like it because we can keep in touch with Office Testosterone when he's too sick to actually have an in-person conversation.  We like it because we know what our children are doing and thinking, when they don't actually tell us.  Social media is powerful. It has the ability to tear people apart, but also to bring them back together.  It's all in how you use it and why.

TGIF

For Chrystal, Santa's unsung elf:

A Year of Change and Gratitude

     
     Today is the last day of the year here in the Trenches. I find that I am in a reflective mood. It's been a trying year, not least of which because of the economy. For most of the year, we have been suffering along with Curtis, our Office Testosterone, as he fights for his life against Lymphoma. Then, at the end of November, our little Erin left us after seven years. As Chrystal has been here almost since the beginning (twelve of our 13 years), it's fairly obvious that we're not big on change here. Sure, we update our technology, find new ways of improving our service to our clients, but when it comes to the guts of the Trenches, our people, we don't like change. So, change is a big thing, and not one we enjoy.

     Our people are what make the Trenches different from other family law firms. We have been truly blessed (and I think our clients would agree) to have some of the best support staff any firm can have. Everyone who works here really cares what happens to our cllients; to us, it's not just a job, it's who we are. So, who are we?

     First, there's Chrystal. I don't know what we would do if she decided to fire us. She's the first contact clients have with the office. She's always compassionate and caring. She listens attentively long past when most of our minds have started to wander. Her people instincts are right on, and I have ignored them to my detriment only a few times (even I can be taught). She has common sense in abundance. I think a lot of our clients love us for her (in fact, I think they love her more than me, as they should). That's all on top of being a top notch paralegal. Plus, she puts up with me, through dictating emails on the road, triaging emergencies on potty breaks in trial, sitting with the phone line open when the office is just too darn quiet or when I just need a sounding board. She's also the best friend I have in the world, bar none. We've been together through a lot, and she assures me the Trenches will be her client until she wins the lottery (and thankfully, she never buys a ticket).

     Then, there's Erin, our Little Miss Sunshine. She started working in the Trenches when she was just 17. We've watched her grow and mature into the truly fine young woman she has become. Through high school and college, there was always a home for her in the Trenches whenever she had time to work. I remember her "deer in the headlights' look the first time someone asked her a question on the phone, when all she really felt comfortable doing was saying "Hello" and "Can you please hold?" When she left, she was doing a lot of the things paralegals do, plus clients grew to love talking to her on the phone (and a lot of time, she liked it too). Erin always has a smile in her voice, and on her face. She has a big heart, and opened it to embrace all of us in the Trenches as well as our clients. I still can't believe she's grown up and left us.

     Last, but certainly not least, there's Curtis. He's the youngest member of the Trenches and our newest addition. He's also the first individual with high testosterone to work here. (You've read about his troubles and also his praises multiple times here.) He is our Zen master. Life is crazy for our clients here in the Trenches, and sometimes, the agitation is contagious. Curtis never gets agitated. He's always calm, cool and collected, and that's contagious too. You can feel your heartbeat slow when he's around. Life's a little less frantic, and his upbeat attitude also rubs off.  He's a special guy (as well as a top notch "safe place" finder!). As you know, he is gravely ill and needs our positive thoughts.

     As we end the year, the population of Trenches is reduced by half. We miss our Sunshine and Testosterone, as do our clients. We know, however, that they are never far away - geographically and in our hearts. Happy holidays

Keeping the Home Fires Burning

After another really tough holiday season here in the Trenches, I'd like to talk about our unsung heroes.  No, it's not the support staff (especially because I sing their praises every chance I get).  It's our significant others.  As those of you who work in the Trenches know, it is difficult and draining to deal with our clients' crises on a daily basis, and even worse during the holiday season.  We end up completely exhausted at the end of the day when we go home to our significant others.  As you might imagine, we're not the best company when we get home, and I mean when we get home, which is usually pretty late.  At a time of year when most folks spend time celebrating with family and friends, those of us in the Trenches are exhausted and decidedly antisocial.   We work, eat, sleep, and go back to work.  What happens when we go home for those hours to eat and sleep?  The dogs are thrilled to see us, even more so if we take them for that four letter word that starts with "w", and ends with "alk".  What about the people at home?  Funny thing is, most of us come home to people who understand.  They know this is what we do, and that it's tough on us.  Are they thrilled with having a warm, semi-conscious person at the other end of the couch for three weeks?  Of course not, but they don't complain, they don't add to the pressure.  What they do is help us reduce our stress, and carve small moments of joy  out of our days, so we can continue to be at our best for our clients at a really difficult time.  They are our unsung heroes, and we love them.

The Rules, Part II

You may remember my post a few weeks bank (OK, a rant really), about how the rules apply, except when they don't.   On Friday, I had the opportunity to argue that an order should be vacated because the other side did not play by the rules.  I knew that if I won, the other side would simply walk downstairs and file a different motion, but the right way.  Still, what they did was wrong, it hurt my client, and placed her in an untenable procedural posture.  The other side took the position that the ends justified the means.  As you might remember in the post linked above, the judge who heard that type of argument a few weeks ago,  bought it.  Not Friday's judge.  He heard the argument, understood what granting my motion would mean in the long run, and decided the rules meant something.  It restored my faith in the law, but drove home what we tell our clients here in the Trenches:  it's not the law but the judge who decides your case, and do you really want to leave it to them?