TGIF

Short Work Week

Long Run Tomorrow

Less Business? Not Likely

I went to a meeting today, and one of my friends here in the Trenches asked if I really meant that we could use less business.  That's the quandary of those of us who toil in the Trenches.  Do I really want less business, as in earning less money?  Of course not - working in the Trenches is how I make a living.  It's how I pay my mortgage, for the groceries, the kids' college tuition.  Let me be brutally honest, however.  I am a romantic.  Nothing gives me greater pleasure than helping my parents celebrate their 53rd wedding anniversary.  Heck, my grandparents made it past 60 years of marriage.  Doesn't that give you chills?  It does me.  The thing is that of the people who read yesterday's blog post or other advice like it, almost none of them will follow it.  Of those who follow the advice, even fewer can sustain it.  It would be nice if everyone 1)  would think more and marry less; 2) would understand that marriage is hard work; 3)  wouldn't take those who they love for granted.  It's not going to happen, so I'm not worried about getting into a different line of work, but maybe one or two saved marriages would be nice.  The romantic in me wants happy endings.  That's why, even though I understand marriages fail, I view my job as helping people move forward with their lives so they can be happy and successful, and yes, maybe find that person with whom they can celebrate 50 years of marriage.  I, and my colleagues in the Trenches, help them divorce in a way that preserves their dignity and privacy, and lets them know that someone cares whether their divorce is a positive event in the timeline of their lives, or simply a miserable way to end a bad marriage.  Here in the Trenches.

Resolutions

It's a new year.  Did you make any resolutions?  Come on, tell the truth - you know you did.  The problem with most resolutions is that they're big.  "I'm going to stop smoking."  "I'm going to lose 50 pounds."  "I'm going to leave my spouse and live happily ever after."  Big resolutions are specific, but they're overwhelming.  They're kind of like getting a request for hundreds of different types of documents, spanning 30 years.  That's specific, but again, overwhelming.  Wouldn't it be better to resolve to smoke 1 less cigarette a day, lose one pound a week?  Wouldn't it be better to take just one small measurable step to make your life better?  Even if the ultimate goal is to leave your marriage, isn't it better to say that you will learn all about your family finances, or pick your child up one day a week from school and spend time doing something they like?  Both of those things help if you're planning to divorce.   What if you just thanked your spouse for something they did?  So what if it wasn't something you wanted them to do.  So what if they didn't do it the way you would have done it.  It got done and they did it.  Thank them. Maybe if you thank them enough times, they'll start thanking you.  Maybe that will help you find something that was missing in your life, and it will feel a bit better and you won't want to divorce.  I could do with a little less business.  We all could - Here in the Trenches.

Happy New Year

I have decided to take a vacation from posting until after the new year.  See you all in January 2013.

Happy Holidays?

It's the end of the year, and that means one of two things.  Either the phone rings not at all, or it rings off the hooks.  This year, the phone has not stopped ringing.  Sure, we've had a few crises. Certainly, there are more than a few disappointments at the way the holiday season is unfolding.  That's not why the phones are ringing so much.  Two types of people are calling the office.  The first are those who are in the beginnings of a separation.  They don't want to DO anything at this time of year, but they are worrying about what might happen.  Those people need basic information; they need to know what to expect, in what direction they should head.  Once they talk to the lawyer, they feel less anxious because there are fewer unknowns.  They can now enjoy their holiday.  The second type of person calling the office is miserable because they are spending yet another holiday season in an unhappy marriage.   The mere idea that another year could go by and they could find themselves still in that marriage next year is more than they can bear.  The only way they can enjoy their holiday season is to make plans to spend it differently next year.  So, they call the office and make an appointment for just after the beginning of the year.  They can now enjoy their holiday.  After tomorrow, I'll enjoy mine.  Here in the Trenches.

Half Nelson, Ball and Chain, Cradle...Pin

My son and I don't share a lot of interests.  Yes, we love each other, but there aren't a lot of things we both enjoy together.  He was a wrestler in high school.  When he started wrestling, I knew nothing about the sport.  What I did know was that he loved it.  So, I read about wrestling and became the team videographer.  I attended every wrestling match and tournament, start to finish, taping every wrestler's match.  Obviously, I spent a lot of time at the gym.  My son never said how he felt about that, but he never has.  Then, he went to college, and I thought my wrestling days were over.  We watched some hockey together, but it wasn't the same.  Now, he's a high school teacher and .... a wrestling coach.  I'm back in the gym, this time as the coach's mom.  I'm proud of him; he's a very good coach and he really cares about the kids. I think he's glad to see me there, but who knows?  It's a way to connect.
This is, of course, about the Trenches, and as my son and I forge a new relationship as adults, I can't help but think about my clients and their children.  When parents and children live in separate homes, even for only a few days every few weeks, their relationship changes.  There is now a part of their life that does not involve that parent.  They may develop different interests and do things that they've never done before.  They may act entirely different at the other house.  It doesn't really matter (unless of course, they're in danger).  What matters is the connection between the parent and child.  What matters is finding something they both can share, even if it's not something the parent would normally do.  Parents, your child has no choice but to be part of your world, even when that world means their family breaks apart and is reformed, even when they no longer have two parents in one home, or even one home.  You have a choice as to whether to be part of their world.  Embrace it; build a new foundation with them.  Go where they are; be a part of what they love.  Children of divorce need to know that even though their physical world may change, their parents are committed to them and their well-being.  What better way than to share what they love?  Here in the Trenches.

Victims

Two events have occurred in the last week that make me think about victims.  First, on Thursday, I was searching for a former client, and as I Googled her, came across an article about how her ex-husband tried to kill her by torching her home.  As we spent the next two days trying to get in touch with each other, 27 innocent people were killed in Newtown, Connecticut.  Once I caught up with my former client and heard her tale, I started to think some more about victims. You see, my client's ex-husband is severely mentally ill.  My client did a delicate two step in order to divorce him and remain safe.  Unfortunately, she was also his guidepost, and without her, his mental condition became worse.  As he deteriorated, he blamed her for all his woes.  He began to write her explicitly threatening letters.  She went to the police.  He hadn't actually tried to hurt her (yet), so there was nothing they could do.  She tried to obtain a domestic violence order of protection.  Still, he hadn't tried to hurt her (yet), so she couldn't get one.  Then, he set fire to her home.  Finally, she obtained that protective order.  Finally, he was jailed and then hospitalized. Her nightmare, however, was and is not over.  First, there was the competency hearing.  Then, once he was found competent, was he criminally responsible?  Should he be hospitalized or jailed?  Every decision, every step of the way, my former client has had to plead with prosecutors and psychiatrists.  She has had to make a pest of herself (her words, not mine), to make sure   he doesn't pull the wool over someone's eyes, or they get so tired of the case that they drop the ball and let him off.  She spends hours every week on the phone or running to court for hearings, just to make sure he isn't released, that the court doesn't find him both not criminally responsible and also not guilty (because to do so means he's not responsible for restitution for the out of pocket damage to her home, which was tens of thousands of dollars after insurance).   She needs to make sure she and her children are safe, which they won't be if he is released, and she doesn't trust that the state would remember to notify her.  Her life is consumed by the cost of being a victim.  She is the least victim-like victim I know, a proactive lady who doesn't let anyone push her around.  Yet, here she is, imprisoned by victimhood, imprisoned as much as the man with the gasoline can and the match.  Yet, she views it not as a jail cell ,but as a necessary structure to keep her and her children safe.  It is a fortress against feeling like a victim.
When I read the stories about the Newtown killings, I am struck by how. like my former client, most of the adult victims were not victim-like.  The teachers and aides who died were protecting the children in their charge.  They were enormously brave people, who made the difficult decision to risk their lives to protect others.  They, like the children, died for their efforts.  What about the other victims of this tragedy, those that did not die but who lost friends and loved ones?  True, unlike my former client, there will be no calling the prosecutor and making sure the perpetrator is safely away.  That doesn't mean they aren't victims like my former client.  They all have to live with what happened on Friday in Newtown, and will suffer from it.  Whether they build something positive from the blocks of tragedy that fell upon them and refuse to play the victim, or instead allow the blocks to fall upon them and weigh them down, is ultimately their choice.  Either way, bearing that tragedy is a tremendously difficult, really gargantuan, task, and all of our hearts go out to them as they move ahead into a life which seems not joyful, but rather angry and dangerous.  Here in the Trenches.