TGIF

While we are enjoying the long weekend, 

take a moment to remember those 

who gave their lives so that we can retain our way of life.

It's Monday

It's Monday here in the trenches, time for all the angst that happened over the weekend to spill over into the lawyer's office.   Family disputes are some of the most difficult ones with which to deal, because often the stated problem isn't really the problem.  Emotions change the nature of any conflict, which makes resolution that much more difficult because first you have to identify the emotional drivers.  Knowing that, here are a few words of wisdom on this Monday.

"We do not see things as they are.  We see things as we are." (Talmud)

"When we remember we are all mad, the mysteries disappear, and life stands explained." (Mark Twain)

"If you don't like something, change it;  if you can't change it, change the way you think about it."  (Mary Engelbreit)

TGIF

It's all a matter of perspective

Hooray for my best friends!

I Scream, You Scream, We All Scream

It's been that kind of week here in the trenches, except for a visit from our office testosterone, which is always welcome.  Usually those of us here in the trenches have no trouble dealing with what Bill Eddy calls High Conflict People.  They are, after all, our bread and butter.  You know who we mean, those people for whom nothing is ever their fault, for whom all of their woes are caused by someone else.  These folks never see their own complicity in their predicaments, preferring to think that everything in their lives would be perfect if only everybody else would change, if you would make them change.  These are not unintelligent people by any means; in fact, many of them are really bright.  That's what makes them such a challenge.  Usually, those of us here in the trenches handle the issues presented by these folks really well; sometimes, however, it takes its toll and we suffer from compassion fatigue and vicarious trauma.  This has been one of those weeks.  Of course, it's also been a full moon.  Any connection?

Only the Lonely....

One of the by-products of the end of a marriage is the intense loneliness experienced by one or both of the partners.  The one person with whom you share an intimate relationship, who knows you best,  and who accepted you the way you are, no longer wants to occupy that space in your life.  Friends of you as a couple begin to distance themselves.  Your friends either don't know how to help you or are tired of listening to your constant litany of fear and anxiety.  You feel isolated, caught between the world of couples and single people; you are both and neither.  You are not free to date, to share intimate moments with someone other than your spouse, but your spouse doesn't want to share them with you either.  Depression is common; loneliness its root.  As luck would have it, my favorite blogger, Gretchen Rubin, posted today on how to battle loneliness.  Read it, follow its advice, and try to enjoy life again.  This all will pass and you will feel better.  You will make friends, develop new interests, and come alive.  It will happen - you just have to give it some help.

Arnold, Maria, Tipper and Al

Arnold and Maria. Tipper and Al.  Two high profile, long lasting marriages that ended.  Was it coincidence that both ended right after the husbands ended high power political careers?  I think not.  Was the end of those marriages caused by the stress of political life?  Maybe.  Amicable?  Not surprising.   I often think about the anthropologist Margaret Mead, who was married three times.  At one point she was asked why all of her marriages failed.  Her response was "I beg your pardon.  I have had three marriages and NONE of them was a failure."  She went on to expound that each of her marriages was successful for the stage of her life in which they occurred.  One of the results of our living longer is that our lives have more distinct stages than one, and the same mate may not meet our needs in all of them.  The stages of the lives and marriages of Arnold and Maria,Tipper and Al were more distinct and varied than most.  The changes to their lives wrought by the husbands' retirement from political office were immense and life altering.  It's not surprising that those changes affected their marriages, or that they ended them.  The manner in which these people ended their marriages is why we admire them, not the longevity of their unions.  Best of luck to them all.
5/17/11:  After Arnold Schwartzenager's public confession today and Maria Shriver's reaction thereto, I admire Ms. Shriver even more - Mr. Schwartzenager is another story. 

The Quality of Mercy.....

When a client tells me they want their day in court, the reason is almost always that they want "justice."  Justice, according to clients, is the upholding of what is morally right and fair.  Clients believe that if they can just tell the judge their story, the judge will see that they are right and what they ask for is fair, and that alone will prove to the other party that they are "wrong."  Clients believe that if only the judge will hear their story, the judge will side with them, because they are in the right.  Unfortunately, judges and lawyers view justice as the administration and procedure of the law to a given set of facts unencumbered by emotion.  The law is not necessarily fair, it simply is what it is.  Judges are there to make decisions in accordance with the rule of law because the parties can't decide between themselves what is fair.  Sometimes, that means a client receives what they feel is justice, and sometimes they don't.  It also means that clients who don't play fair and don't follow the rules sometimes are rewarded for their bad behavior.  When that happens, it isn't fair, it isn't right, and it sits poorly with me even if it is my client who was rewarded.  The fact remains, however, that justice was done, like it or not.  Why do you think she's depicted as blind while balancing the scales?