Children and Divorce

The saying goes, you divorce your spouse; you don't divorce your children.  In some ways, that's really not true.  Divorce brings a lot of changes to the parent/child relationship.  Some of those changes can be good:  more one on one time, and a chance for the parent who was not so involved during the marriage to be a better parent.  Others are not so good:  less time, integrating different parenting styles, negotiating holidays, and combining two families' schedules around the schedule of one child.  (Do I even need to mention navigating the mine field that occurs when mom and dad and the extended family all attend the same event?  Talk about stress!)  Some of those changes harm the parent/child relationship severely.  What can parents do to help their children through the divorce period and beyond, so that they become well-adjusted adults?
1.  Encourage a relationship with the other parent.  Not only is this the most important thing parents can do for their children, post divorce, but it is also the hardest.  There are a lot of negative feelings a divorcing couple have toward each other, and the emotionality of the situation makes it difficult to contain those feelings and not give them voice.  Before sharing something less than positive about the other parent, a parent should remember that their child is a combination of both parents.  Children are really aware that they are a combination of both of their parents (Remember all of those times Aunt Milly told them they had their mother's eyes, their father's lips?).  Children internalize those criticisms of their parent as criticisms of themselves.
2.  Don't use the child as a therapist.  Divorcing individuals experience a lot of swirling emotions that they don't understand.  There's also a lot of loneliness.  There's a desire to share those emotions with the people they love and who are around.  In many cases, that's the child.  Parents need to resist that urge and engage a professional to help them cope.  Sharing with the child frightens them, as children see their parents as a constant and as their protector.  If the parent is falling apart on top of the family structure changing, the child sees the stability of their life further eroded.
3.  Don't turn the child into the parent's parent.  Children are not mature enough to handle this; that's why they are not the parent to begin with.  There have been a lot of studies that show the intense negative affect this role reversal has on a child's desire to marry and parent later in life.
4.  Don't expose the child to the conflict between the parents.  Don't argue in front of the children.   Don't use the children as the go-between in disputes.  Refereeing their parents is not the child's job, period.

If you're reading this and have not gone through a divorce, you probably think these are all common sense; they are.  If you are going through a divorce or have in the past, you know how difficult they can be.  It all boils down to one thing - control yourself.  If you can't do it without help, get help.  Your children will thank you now and later.