Resilience - Not a Dirty Word

Image Credits

Creator:Timothy L. Hale

Credit:U.S. Army Reserve Command

Copyright:Public Domain

Resilience. It can be a good thing.  I know, at least in one of the counties where I try cases, “resilient” is a bad word when it comes to children. I beg to differ.  Resilience is defined by our good friends at Merrimack-Webster as “an ability to recover from or adjust easily to misfortune or change.”  We, of course, don’t want our children exposed to high conflict situations, but it happens, even in intact families.  Even as we don’t want our children to experience adversity, without it a child doesn’t learn how to deal with it or with change.  Most of us would rather our children are exposed to little disappointments in order to become resilient, but that doesn’t always happen; sometimes big and ugly things are on the horizon.  I think we do children a disservice when we don’t teach them resilience, because then they do not become resilient adults.

Resilient adults make good clients Here in the Trenches.  Their minds have a plasticity that allows them to roll with the punches.  They don’t play the helpless victim; they work on strategies to try to solve their own problems.  They know that their time in the Trenches is finite and that there’s a different tomorrow once they leave us.  Not all of my clients are resilient.

Of course, that raises a whole different question, why is it that some people thrive through adversity (and are resilient), and some do not?  Why do two people exposed to the same situation internalize it differently?  I don’t know.  What do those people who thrive have that others don't?  If you aren't naturally resilient, is there any hope of change?

Luckily, the folks at the Mayo Clinic think you can improve your resilience.  Here are their tips:

Tips to improve your resilience

Working on your mental well-being is just as important as working on your physical health. If you want to strengthen your resilience, try these tips:

• Get connected. Build strong, positive relationships with family and friends, who provide support and acceptance. Volunteer, get involved in your community, or join a faith or spiritual community.
• Find meaning. Develop a sense of purpose for your life. Having something meaningful to focus on can help you share emotions, feel gratitude and experience an enhanced sense of well-being.
• Start laughing. Finding humor in stressful situations doesn't mean you're in denial. Humor is a helpful coping mechanism. If you can't find any humor in a situation, turn to other sources for a laugh, such as a funny book or movie.
• Learn from experience. Think back on how you've coped with hardships in the past. Build on skills and strategies that helped you through the rough times, and don't repeat those that didn't help.
• Remain hopeful. You can't change what's happened in the past, but you can always look toward the future. Find something in each day that signals a change for the better. Expect good results.
• Take care of yourself. Tend to your own needs and feelings, both physically and emotionally. This includes participating in activities and hobbies you enjoy, exercising regularly, getting plenty of sleep and eating well.
• Keep a journal. Write about your experiences, thoughts and feelings. Journaling can help you experience strong emotions you may otherwise be afraid to unleash. It also can help you see situations in a new way and help you identify patterns in your behavior and reactions.
• Accept and anticipate change. Expecting changes to occur makes it easier to adapt to them, tolerate them and even welcome them. With practice, you can learn to be more flexible and not view change with as much anxiety.
• Work toward a goal. Do something every day that gives you a sense of accomplishment. Even small, everyday goals are important. Having goals helps you look toward the future.
• Take action. Don't just wish your problems would go away or try to ignore them. Instead, figure out what needs to be done, make a plan and take action.
• Maintain perspective. Look at your situation in the larger context of your own life and of the world. Keep a long-term perspective and know that your situation can improve if you actively work at it.
• Practice stress management and relaxation techniques.Restore an inner sense of peace and calm by practicing such stress-management and relaxation techniques as yoga, meditation, deep breathing, visualization, imagery, prayer or muscle relaxation.

You can become more resilient, and as you do, you are modeling resilience for your children. Children need that every bit as much as they need you to model appropriate conflict resolution.  Take care of yourself. Take care of children.  If you do, you will spend less time and money with me and be more satisfied moving you life forward.  Here in the Trenches.