The first Day of Daylight Savings Time

Daylight Savings Time kicks my butt every year.  I hate losing the extra hour of sleep.  I always plan to get to bed extra early the night before, and either that doesn't happen, or I end up tossing and turning for hours. This year, I also managed to have an earache.  I woke up exhausted.  I had a headache and an earache and felt generally awful.  The problem is, I still had my morning 7:30am walk with a friend, followed by meeting Max's walking expectations.  Then, there was my weekly yoga class at noon.  Tomorrow morning, I have to be up at 5 and out the door by 6 to babysit my granddaughter. Life doesn't stop just because Daylight Savings Time is getting the best of me.

Divorce is kind of like Daylight Savings Time.  Most people, if they're really honest with themselves. know in a small corner of their minds that their marriage is ending. Maybe they plan for it a bit, maybe they don't.  It comes all the same.  It kicks their butts, and knocks them down.  Life, however, goes on.  There's still work to be done, children to be cared for, and relationships to maintain.  Life doesn't stop just because there's a divorce.

In past years, I would power through the first day of Daylight Savings Time.  It wan't going to get the best of me!  So, I dragged myself through the day, doing everything I normally do.  It took me the better part of a week to recover.  Not this year.  Sure, I went for my walks and I went to yoga.  I also took a nap, sat and read a book or two, surfed on social media and laid around petting Max.  (I also took 2 ibuprofen). I acknowledged that today was different than other days and I couldn't treat it like it was the same.  I still did what I needed to do, but I took care of myself for the rest of the day.

When people are getting divorced, somehow they see it as a sign of weakness when they're exhausted, overwrought or just plain sad.  It's kind of a badge of honor that the divorce won't get the better of them.  Or maybe it's that they won't give their ex the satisfaction of knowing that getting divorce affected them.  I understand that desire.  The problem, however, is that divorce can be emotionally and physically draining.  It can also be a long process.  It is guaranteed to exhaust, overwhelm and sadden you.  When you don't acknowledge those facts and actively plan for them by engaging in self care, you could wear out before the end (which could be disastrous and lead you to agree to a bad settlement just to be done), not be in a frame of mind to settle (which could lead to an unnecessary trial or bypassing a good settlement) or take far longer to recover (and in the meantime, those near and ear to you suffer).    Self care is not being self-indulgent; it's simply good sense.  Here in the Trenches.

Memories Matter

#1 Son and my Daughter in Love gave me a ticket to join them to see DIsney on Ice with their family as my holiday present.  I am certain it would not be the ideal holiday gift for many of you.  For me, it was the perfect present.  I love Disney, so you would think that was the reason it would appeal to me.  That’s not it.  It was the experience.  As far as I know, this was Granddaughter’s first live show.  It involved Disney princesses, which is a bit of an obsession with her right now.  I got to be with her as she experienced one of her “firsts,” and it involved something we both love.  Beyond that, it was beyond value that #1 Son and Daughter in Love wanted to share that first with me.   It was magical for all of us to watch her face as she saw her favorite characters come to life.  It was an out of this world experience to see her dance to the music and sing along with the songs.  She was so excited to have all of us with her. I will never forget that night.  The gift was priceless.  

Another gift #1 Son and Daughter in Love have given me is the opportunity to spend Monday mornings with Granddaughter. We are alone together every Monday her parents are working from 7am until 10am, when we are joined by the other Gaga.  We play games that are different than anything she does with anyone else, just like what she does with Mommy and Daddy and the other Gaga and Papas are different.  They’re our thing.  We spend Mondays making memories and sharing love.   I bring her nothing except me and pumpkin pancakes.

So often when families go through a divorce, money is tight and parents can’t afford to buy their children the things they ordinarily would have. Even worse, in some cases, one parent has the money to buy those things and does, and the other parent doesn’t.  When money is tight, parents worry that their children will suffer.  They worry that their children’s memories will be ones of deprivation.  They worry that the children will prefer the parent with money that’s being spent on them.  They worry that giving their children time with them isn’t enough.  I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, parenting is not a sprint; it’s a marathon.  Sure, in the short run, the parent with the most bling may be the preferred parent.  In the long haul, however, what children have left are memories.  Things don’t build memories; people and experiences build them.  Don’t worry about the cost - a board game, hide and seek, building a snowman, and reading stories all cost nothing but mean everything to your child.  Here in the Trenches.

From the Mouths of Babes - Avoiding Divorce

(Sorry you can't see her cuteness from the front, but she's in the 

Baby Protection Program)

During the school year, I am the Monday morning babysitter for my almost two year old granddaughter.  It's probably my most favorite job.  Grandbaby is really into trust falls right now. You know what those are:  they are when you go to the edge of a ledge, or you collapse backwards and simply fall, trusting that there is someone there to catch you so you don't hurt yourself.  Secure children do it effortlessly.  Once we become adults, we have to go to team building retreats to learn how to do it all over again.  But I digress.

Grandbaby climbs up on her ledge.  She looks me straight in the eye.  She gets the biggest smile on her face, you know, the kind that goes all the way up your eyes.  Then she falls.  She knows I'm going to catch her.  There is not a doubt in her mind that's what Grandma is going to do - again and again.  In fact, she's positive I will never let her fall.  Thank goodness I still have good reflexes!  Grandbaby's trust falls have a lot to teach us about how to stay out of the Trenches.  You know what they say about the mouthes of babes...... As I reflect on it, I have 5 main lessons:

1.  Pay attention.  When I am with Grandbaby, my phone is in my bag.  It is not in my hand (unless I'm taking a picture of her cuteness!).  It is not on the chair next to me.  It is not in my back pocket.  When I am with Grandbaby, I am WITH Grandbaby.  She is my entire focus for the 3 hours before the other grandma comes.  I understand I am only with her one day a week, but how many of you make your spouse your entire focus for even 30 minutes one day a week?  Not many, I bet.  I know you're tired at the end of the day and really just want to vege out, but paying attention is important.  It  keeps the relationship moving and it builds trust.

2.  Be where they are.  When I'm with Grandbaby, I am not thinking about what I want to do.  I am focused on what she wants.  Trust me, no sane adult wants to build a tower and have it knocked down a zillion times, or play which stuffed animal gets to be in the crib with baby and which ones have to sit in the chair. That's what she wants to do, and so that's what we do.  I am showing an interest in what she wants without expecting her to do the same for me (even if she could at this age).  I never let her know that the zillionth tower is any less exciting than the first.   I know, listening to your spouse drone on about a topic that interests you not at all is hard, but we all know when people aren't really listening to us; try really listening and see what happens.  Every once in a while do an activity you don't love but your spouse does (and do not let your spouse know how much you hate it and are just doing it for them).

3.  Be predictable.  I don't mean be boring.  When Grandma comes in the morning, she brings pancakes.  Every time.  In fact, I am so predictable on this that when I babysat at night, Grandbaby pointed to my bag and said "cake, cakes." When the other grandma comes, Grandbaby expects different things from her.  She feels secure because she knows she can count on us for certain things.  It's not many things, but they're important to her.  Children aren't the only ones who need predictability.  Adults need to know that if you say you're going to be home at 6, then you're at home at six.  When you say you'll mow the lawn, paint the room, do the laundry, that you'll actually do them and don't have to be nagged.  Don't let your predictability be that you don't do what you say - it's a sure relationship killer.

4.  Let them know the relationship is important.  Do you really want to be known for always missing milestone occasions?  I get it, the greeting card industry is a racket, but I'm not talking about buying a card.  Unless a judge or a doctor absolutely cannot accommodate me (and that is rare because being with Grandbaby is a priority) or I'm sick, which unfortunately has happened a bit more than I'd like, I am there on Monday.  Is it a pain to get up at 5am so I can be at Grandbaby's home before 7?  You betcha.  Is it deadly when I had an event that ended late the night before? Oh yes.  I am, however, there.  How canyon let your spouse know they're important to you?

5.  You can't downplay the value of touch and laughter.  Grandbaby gets lots of huggles.  We hold hands a lot.  I pick her up and carry her.  She gets "zerbets" on her tummy.  We giggle and laugh (as do the school crossing guards who watch us running down the street, counting trees). Truth be told, I love my huggles too.  Human beings need touch.  They need laughter.  Life is hard.  Days are long. Children are tiring.  I get it.  When was the last time you and your spouse touched?  I am not talking about sex or foreplay.  I am talking about holding hands, touching a hand or a shoulder, giving a hug. Touch without expectation of anything else is magical.  When life gets in the way, sometimes that gets put to the side; and the relationship suffers.

Will following all of these lessons from Mondays with Grandbaby keep you out of the Trenches?  Maybe.  Not following any of them, however, will bring you to my door.  Here in the Trenches.

Take Care Of Yourself - You're Important Too

My life is a little rough and raw right now.  Yes, I've recovered from my fall in DC, thank you for asking.  I have had other issues, however, in my personal life which make my need for self care to be important, albeit difficult to achieve.  It's funny that as I moved through my daily life before, I really didn't give as much thought to self care, mostly because it wasn't imperative.  Once it became imperative, I was shocked that I had so little of it in my life.  Yes, I had my running and strength training, which keep me sane.  What I realized, though, was that there are many aspects to self care, and what I was missing was balance.  You see, running and strength training for me are solitary pursuits, and I like them that way.  What I didn't have, however, is much of a community in general.  Socially, people are hard for me.  I really don't know how to make small talk, I feel awkward asking personal questions (maybe because that's all I do in my professional life), and I always feel like I talk too much about me, which makes me uncomfortable.  In time of need, people are important, so I've been making more of an effort.  What I don't have is a lot of time to go out and be with others, even when I want to.

As a result, I am loving social media.  I found a running group on Facebook that's connected to one of my favorite podcasts.  This group of people is perhaps the most supportive, the most caring and the most active group of folks I could have found.  With them, I feel safe posting my run times, talking about my running issues, sharing their and my personal records and challenges.  They feel like family, even though I've never met any of them in person. I commiserate with someone about their rough week at work, cheer when a new member completes their first race, get excited when someone moves to a new state or country.  We know lots about each other, and you will NEVER see a snarky comment on that page, which says volumes.  I joined an online coaching program for my running, and as I post my daily runs, I get feedback and cheerleading from the coaches and other members and I do the same for others.  Maybe to you, this all sounds like torture, but to me, it reminds me that there are people who care out there, even when I can't get to them in person.  It means a lot.

Here in the Trenches, divorce can be isolating.  The process of ending a marriage or a relationship and all the attendant issues that come with it leaves most people fairly rough and raw.  Divorce is an uncomfortable issue for most people, and folks in the Trenches are highly of conscious of that.  Their friends avoid them because they don't know what to say or do, or because they're tired of listening.  The process itself feels all consuming, and life-sucking.  Yet, folks in the Trenches have to go on with their daily lives and also deal with their legal issues.  What these folks need more than anything is self-care.  They need something to provide them with an outlet and a community who cares for them without judging.  It's hard to do, but vital.  While in the Trenches is not the time to venture out of your comfort zone, but rather to work with it to get the support you need.  What is it that gives you energy?  What resources are there for that activity?  What groups are there to support you, whether in person or virtually?  It can take some work to find what connects for you, and I know that's not what you feel like doing.  Do it anyway, because you won't know how much you needed it until you find it.  Here in the Trenches.

When is Helping Really Not Helping?

For the past few years, we have had two mourning doves make a nest on top of our outdoor water heater.  Our water heater is just outside the back door, so it's shielded from predators.  Unfortunately for the birds, it also tends to heat up periodically during the day when in use, plus its smooth surface makes nest building difficult.  They have had marginal success in raising their family from egg to launch.  Yet, they return every year.  This year, we decided that they needed help, so we built a little wooden platform with a railing on top of the water heater.  We figured it would insulate the nest from the heat and stop the pieces of nest from sliding to the ground.  We built and we waited.  The doves came back, but they didn't like our platform.  They built a piece of a nest on it, and then abandoned it.  They still like our house; they simply decided to build their nest on top of the trellis which is less than 6 inches away.  As I sit here writing this post, I can see Mama Dove out there sitting on her nest, and I can hear Papa Dove talking to her.  They are content, even though the water heater with the platform is arguably the better nesting site.  We need to learn from them (although we probably helped the odds of the chicks surviving by moving them from the water heater).

If those darn doves don't help us here in the Trenches, I don't know what does.  In law school, or medical school, or any other professional school, we are taught to solve the problem.  We are taught that our training is to help us solve our clients' problems.  We, as professionals, think we are taught the answers to the questions.  It's no surprise that when we are set loose into the world of helping people, we dive almost immediately into problem solving mode.  We listen to our clients in order to solve the problem.  What we discover is that our training makes us lousy listeners, and because we are lousy listeners, we are poor problem solvers.

Let's look at our doves.  We watched them, we identified a problem and we provided a solution.  The doves didn't like the solution because of one or more of a number of things.  Maybe they didn't think they had a problem.   Maybe the urge to nest is greater than the desire to launch live offspring.  Maybe they enjoyed the periodic warmth of the water heater.  Maybe they weighed the options and decided it was more important to have a nest sheltered from the elements and predators, than anything else.  We don't know because doves can't talk.  Our clients, however, can and do talk to us.  When we listen to understand what they're saying, rather than simply to solve the problem, we gather valuable information.  We learn what is important to them.  We hear their concerns.  We ask them questions.  We work with them to solve the problem as they see it, not as we are trained to see it.  They feel heard.  They feel understood.  Most importantly, because of all of that, they take our advice because it makes sense to them and their experience.  Here in the Trenches.

Choices and 5 Stitches

I think you could say I had an adventurous Sunday.  I really had a marvelous day with Daughter and friends.  Brunch was fun and delicious.  We took Daughter's friend to all the DC sights, many via the DC Trolley Tour.  We were heading to our last stop, the Museum of Natural History (what girl doesn't love looking at all the huge gemstones?), when my toe caught an uneven piece of pavement and I went down, like a giant redwood on an aggregate sidewalk.  No time to think about how to fall, no time to try to break the fall, I just went down on my chin.  There was lots of blood.  Paramedics were called.  I ended up being driven home by Daughter and getting 5 stitches.  I did not, however, break anything except skin.  Yes, my jaw is sore and swollen, but not broken.  Unlike some of my friends recently, I didn't break a wrist.  All in all, not catastrophic.

When I look back on Sunday, what do I remember?  I remember what a wonderful day it was.  That's right.  It was a wonderful day.  Although it was hotter than blazes, the sky was a perfect shade of deep blue.  We had lots of fun.  We also had an adventure.  Could I look at the day differently?  Of course I could.  I could remember a day that was ruined by my falling on the sidewalk.  I could be upset with myself for tripping. I could feel embarrassed because I was that person sitting on the sidewalk with others making a fuss while the world walked by and stared.  I could have been upset because I screwed up Daughter's friend's first trip to DC in 20 years.  I could have done all those other things, and when I was younger, I might have.  The point is that it really was a great day and one thing happened at the end that was bad.  I admit it wasn't a little thing like breaking a nail, but in the scheme of things, it was a blip.  I had a choice of how to view it. I could have looked at it as a day ruiner or I could see it as something not good that happened during my terrific day.  I chose the latter.

We are all faced with the choice I had almost every day.  My clients are always faced with that choice when they are in the Trenches.  Let's face it, the divorce process is not pleasant.  The decision to end a marriage is agonizing to make.  Being told your marriage is over is crushing.  Having to divide your children's upbringing is excruciating.  Most people live fairly long lives.  In the scheme of things, for most folks (and there are exceptions), their divorce is a small piece of a very long life.  It's a blip, if you will.  I don't mean that in a flippant way; I say it to put the divorce in perspective.  Everyone in the Trenches has a choice.  They can let their divorce define them and the rest of their lives.  They can  look at it as a small part of an otherwise great life.  They can see it as an opportunity to learn and grow.  They can view it as the thing that ruined their wonderful life.  They can decide that it's the starting line for a new chapter in their lives or a new direction.  They can decide that the divorce meant their married life was a sham and that they wasted those years.  They can choose to use their energy to hate their former spouse, and keep that hatred going.  They can choose to forgive, or if not forgive, to move on.  Every choice has a consequence.  Every choice evokes a memory and an emotion.  Each client chooses for himself or herself what that memory and emotion will be.  Because it is a choice.  Here in the Trenches.

Lessons for the Trenches from Meb

unaltered

Creative Commons Attribution-Share Alike 3.0 Unported

It's not often that I can combine my two loves, running and the Trenches, into one blog post.  Today is that day.  If you read this blog at all, you know I love to run.  I am also a huge fangirl of Meb Keflezighi (If you don't know who Meb is, head on over to his website, or follow him on Twitter or Instagram).  The great thing about Meb is that you don't have to be a runner to learn from him.  In fact, many of the things I have learned from following his career and reading his books have nothing to do with running (I will admit that I love his active warmups, however).   I've just finished his new book, 26 Marathons: What I Learned About Faith, Identity, Running and Life, and I recommend it to everyone, runner and non-runner alike.

I know you're thinking that someone like Meb has an incredible amount of innate talent.  For most of us, even if we trained like Meb, we would never have running times like Meb. As it is, he runs a marathon in just over the amount of time it takes me to run a half marathon.  What is it na superstar like Meb could say that would resonate with folks like us?  Plenty.  Here are three of my takeaways for those of us either working or finding ourselves in the Trenches.  

1.  Always have a goal, or two, or three.  Meb always had a goal for a race, and then he had a back up goal, and a back up to the back up, ALLof which would mean to him that he got the bet out of himself.  He created all of them BEFORE he started the race. For example, his goal may have been to win the race.  If it became obvious that he wasn't going to win, then his goal might have been to place in the top 4.  If it became obvious that he wasn't going to be able to meet that goal, then his goal might have been to run a certain time, or just to finish. If Meb met ANY of those goals, then the race was a success.  
     Here in the Trenches, clients know what they want.  What they don't do is really think about what will happen if they don't get what they want.  When we sit in negotiations and the other spouse rejects our client's offer, the client often struggles to find another position that will be acceptable; and they are usually not successful at that time, in that room.  Their struggle is at the table when it should be before they enter the room.  If they pin all of their hopes on that one thing, then not only can they not think of a back up, they also feel like the negotiations have failed.  Think how much better a client would feel if they know that they are going to fight as hard as they can for the thing they really want, but if they can't get that, it would still be a success if they got something else instead, or if they picked up a piece of information that would help them come up with a new settlement idea in the future.
     Those of us who toil in the Trenches could also learn a thing or two from him.  Many times, we go into a mediation or a negotiation with our only goal being to settle the case.  Sometimes that's not possible.  There are other goals we could have as backup if we gave it advance thought, but we usually don't.
  
2.  Practice gratitude.  All the way throughout Meb's story, you see instances of gratitude.  His family escaped war-torn Eritrea, and made its way, slowly and painstakingly, to the United States.  They suffered a lot in the journey, but you won't hear it from him. He expresses gratitude for being able to leave Eritrea when many could not.  He's grateful it gave him the opportunity for an education and his running career, when so many others did not have that chance.  He's grateful for the fans lining the race course, cheering him on, even in races in which he suffered great pain, injury and disappointment.  He's grateful to be able to inspire others.  He's grateful to have a wife who understands him and supports his work.  Gratitude exists at every turn of his life, even when he is forced to drop out of a race.
    This lesson isn't new for this blog.  Gratitude is a practice.  It's an important practice that serves us all well, especially when things are not going as we have planned.  If you don't exercise it often. then gratitude desserts you when life doesn't go as planned. It's especially important to exercise it when things are going poorly.  It doesn't matter how small the thing for which you are grateful; it is the practice of gratitude itself that has the power to lift you up and sustain you. 
      
3.  Community is vital.  What I've noticed through all of Meb's books is the constant emphasis on the importance of community, on every level.  The community of his family, without whose support he couldn't focus on his running or be the ambassador for running he is.  The community of runners, who train together, talk during races and sometimes even cross the finish line together, hands united.  The running community that pulls together no matter whether they're Meb or the 16 minute miler.  The community of country which Meb felt keenly when he won Boston the year after the bombing.  Meb describes getting a catch in his throat when he passed the point in the New York Marathon where one of his colleagues had died the year before.  Meb's description of running Boston the year after the bombing is amazing:  he wrote the names of all the people who died on his bib, he crossed himself when he passed the spot of the bombs, he got choked up when he realized that an American was going to win Boston in the first post bombing year and what that represented to Boston and America. What's fascinating about Meb is his continuous multilevel view and appreciation of all of his communities.
   Folks in the Trenches are suffering a crisis of community.  Their identity as part of the community of family is changing; they are losing part of that family because of their divorce, and the part they aren't losing is changing.  Their position in their local community is changing; they find out who their real friends are...and aren't. It is overwhelming and crushing to discover that not only is your family changing, but so is your immediate world.  Most people have more levels of community to draw on than they think.  It's just that when large parts of their world are falling apart, they don't think about it or look for them.  All you need is one level to form a base to rebuild the others.  Trust me, I've done it.  Look for a community, search for it: it's there.

Alright, I have a fourth takeaway from Meb. 20 miles is halfway.  I know, a marathon is 26.2 miles, so 20 miles isn't really halfway.  The race, however, is won between miles 18 and 26.  The person who goes out too fast rarely has enough left to win.  Most of the strategy and the moves toward the lead take place well past mile 16. If you don't have the stamina and the training to pick it up and surge toward the end, then you won't have a chance of winning or perhaps even finishing.  Life here in the Trenches is like that.  Most clients approach a divorce like a 5k, and enter into it going full tilt, which is what you do in a 5k.  Life in the Trenches moves a lot slower than that and a case takes longer than you think.  Treat it like a marathon you want to win, not like a 5k you sprint.  20 miles is halfway.  Build up your stamina, plan for the distance.  Here in the Trenches.