The first Day of Daylight Savings Time

Daylight Savings Time kicks my butt every year.  I hate losing the extra hour of sleep.  I always plan to get to bed extra early the night before, and either that doesn't happen, or I end up tossing and turning for hours. This year, I also managed to have an earache.  I woke up exhausted.  I had a headache and an earache and felt generally awful.  The problem is, I still had my morning 7:30am walk with a friend, followed by meeting Max's walking expectations.  Then, there was my weekly yoga class at noon.  Tomorrow morning, I have to be up at 5 and out the door by 6 to babysit my granddaughter. Life doesn't stop just because Daylight Savings Time is getting the best of me.

Divorce is kind of like Daylight Savings Time.  Most people, if they're really honest with themselves. know in a small corner of their minds that their marriage is ending. Maybe they plan for it a bit, maybe they don't.  It comes all the same.  It kicks their butts, and knocks them down.  Life, however, goes on.  There's still work to be done, children to be cared for, and relationships to maintain.  Life doesn't stop just because there's a divorce.

In past years, I would power through the first day of Daylight Savings Time.  It wan't going to get the best of me!  So, I dragged myself through the day, doing everything I normally do.  It took me the better part of a week to recover.  Not this year.  Sure, I went for my walks and I went to yoga.  I also took a nap, sat and read a book or two, surfed on social media and laid around petting Max.  (I also took 2 ibuprofen). I acknowledged that today was different than other days and I couldn't treat it like it was the same.  I still did what I needed to do, but I took care of myself for the rest of the day.

When people are getting divorced, somehow they see it as a sign of weakness when they're exhausted, overwrought or just plain sad.  It's kind of a badge of honor that the divorce won't get the better of them.  Or maybe it's that they won't give their ex the satisfaction of knowing that getting divorce affected them.  I understand that desire.  The problem, however, is that divorce can be emotionally and physically draining.  It can also be a long process.  It is guaranteed to exhaust, overwhelm and sadden you.  When you don't acknowledge those facts and actively plan for them by engaging in self care, you could wear out before the end (which could be disastrous and lead you to agree to a bad settlement just to be done), not be in a frame of mind to settle (which could lead to an unnecessary trial or bypassing a good settlement) or take far longer to recover (and in the meantime, those near and ear to you suffer).    Self care is not being self-indulgent; it's simply good sense.  Here in the Trenches.

Take Care Of Yourself - You're Important Too

My life is a little rough and raw right now.  Yes, I've recovered from my fall in DC, thank you for asking.  I have had other issues, however, in my personal life which make my need for self care to be important, albeit difficult to achieve.  It's funny that as I moved through my daily life before, I really didn't give as much thought to self care, mostly because it wasn't imperative.  Once it became imperative, I was shocked that I had so little of it in my life.  Yes, I had my running and strength training, which keep me sane.  What I realized, though, was that there are many aspects to self care, and what I was missing was balance.  You see, running and strength training for me are solitary pursuits, and I like them that way.  What I didn't have, however, is much of a community in general.  Socially, people are hard for me.  I really don't know how to make small talk, I feel awkward asking personal questions (maybe because that's all I do in my professional life), and I always feel like I talk too much about me, which makes me uncomfortable.  In time of need, people are important, so I've been making more of an effort.  What I don't have is a lot of time to go out and be with others, even when I want to.

As a result, I am loving social media.  I found a running group on Facebook that's connected to one of my favorite podcasts.  This group of people is perhaps the most supportive, the most caring and the most active group of folks I could have found.  With them, I feel safe posting my run times, talking about my running issues, sharing their and my personal records and challenges.  They feel like family, even though I've never met any of them in person. I commiserate with someone about their rough week at work, cheer when a new member completes their first race, get excited when someone moves to a new state or country.  We know lots about each other, and you will NEVER see a snarky comment on that page, which says volumes.  I joined an online coaching program for my running, and as I post my daily runs, I get feedback and cheerleading from the coaches and other members and I do the same for others.  Maybe to you, this all sounds like torture, but to me, it reminds me that there are people who care out there, even when I can't get to them in person.  It means a lot.

Here in the Trenches, divorce can be isolating.  The process of ending a marriage or a relationship and all the attendant issues that come with it leaves most people fairly rough and raw.  Divorce is an uncomfortable issue for most people, and folks in the Trenches are highly of conscious of that.  Their friends avoid them because they don't know what to say or do, or because they're tired of listening.  The process itself feels all consuming, and life-sucking.  Yet, folks in the Trenches have to go on with their daily lives and also deal with their legal issues.  What these folks need more than anything is self-care.  They need something to provide them with an outlet and a community who cares for them without judging.  It's hard to do, but vital.  While in the Trenches is not the time to venture out of your comfort zone, but rather to work with it to get the support you need.  What is it that gives you energy?  What resources are there for that activity?  What groups are there to support you, whether in person or virtually?  It can take some work to find what connects for you, and I know that's not what you feel like doing.  Do it anyway, because you won't know how much you needed it until you find it.  Here in the Trenches.

Choices and 5 Stitches

I think you could say I had an adventurous Sunday.  I really had a marvelous day with Daughter and friends.  Brunch was fun and delicious.  We took Daughter's friend to all the DC sights, many via the DC Trolley Tour.  We were heading to our last stop, the Museum of Natural History (what girl doesn't love looking at all the huge gemstones?), when my toe caught an uneven piece of pavement and I went down, like a giant redwood on an aggregate sidewalk.  No time to think about how to fall, no time to try to break the fall, I just went down on my chin.  There was lots of blood.  Paramedics were called.  I ended up being driven home by Daughter and getting 5 stitches.  I did not, however, break anything except skin.  Yes, my jaw is sore and swollen, but not broken.  Unlike some of my friends recently, I didn't break a wrist.  All in all, not catastrophic.

When I look back on Sunday, what do I remember?  I remember what a wonderful day it was.  That's right.  It was a wonderful day.  Although it was hotter than blazes, the sky was a perfect shade of deep blue.  We had lots of fun.  We also had an adventure.  Could I look at the day differently?  Of course I could.  I could remember a day that was ruined by my falling on the sidewalk.  I could be upset with myself for tripping. I could feel embarrassed because I was that person sitting on the sidewalk with others making a fuss while the world walked by and stared.  I could have been upset because I screwed up Daughter's friend's first trip to DC in 20 years.  I could have done all those other things, and when I was younger, I might have.  The point is that it really was a great day and one thing happened at the end that was bad.  I admit it wasn't a little thing like breaking a nail, but in the scheme of things, it was a blip.  I had a choice of how to view it. I could have looked at it as a day ruiner or I could see it as something not good that happened during my terrific day.  I chose the latter.

We are all faced with the choice I had almost every day.  My clients are always faced with that choice when they are in the Trenches.  Let's face it, the divorce process is not pleasant.  The decision to end a marriage is agonizing to make.  Being told your marriage is over is crushing.  Having to divide your children's upbringing is excruciating.  Most people live fairly long lives.  In the scheme of things, for most folks (and there are exceptions), their divorce is a small piece of a very long life.  It's a blip, if you will.  I don't mean that in a flippant way; I say it to put the divorce in perspective.  Everyone in the Trenches has a choice.  They can let their divorce define them and the rest of their lives.  They can  look at it as a small part of an otherwise great life.  They can see it as an opportunity to learn and grow.  They can view it as the thing that ruined their wonderful life.  They can decide that it's the starting line for a new chapter in their lives or a new direction.  They can decide that the divorce meant their married life was a sham and that they wasted those years.  They can choose to use their energy to hate their former spouse, and keep that hatred going.  They can choose to forgive, or if not forgive, to move on.  Every choice has a consequence.  Every choice evokes a memory and an emotion.  Each client chooses for himself or herself what that memory and emotion will be.  Because it is a choice.  Here in the Trenches.

Groundhog Day?

If you keep doing the same thing, you'll get the same result.

We're back from Disney Princess Half Marathon Weekend.  It was a heckuva humid day for the 10k.  Of the four of us in my family who were running, one of us runs all the time, two of us are in good shape because of their jobs, and one of us.....doesn't train at all.  Three of us handled the 6.2 miles and the humidity just fine; one of us really did not.  In fact, that one handled it so poorly that we were concerned about heat stroke.  Nevertheless, all four made it across the finish line more or less together.  After the race, the one of us who didn't do so well said they'd do better next year.  My response?  Are you going to train?  The answer was "not really."  Well then, the result won't change.

Here in the Trenches, so many of our clients are like that.  They were unhappy in their marriages.  They felt they married the wrong person.  They didn't like the way they were treated.  They are unhappy with their co-parenting interaction with their other parent.  What do they do about it?  Some of them get into therapy, take parenting classes, do a lot of introspection.  Most of them do nothing.  Then they wonder why their co-parenting doesn't improve and why they marry the same type of person over and over again.

Insanity:  doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.

Here in the Trenches.