Don't Throw the Baby Out With the Bath Water

As you all know by now, every year, Daughter and I run the Disney Princess Half Marathon Weekend at Disney World in Florida.  In late February.  The weather in late February in Central Florida is much like the weather in the rest of the country - unpredictable.  You would think as a Florida native, I would remember that, but I don't always.  Such was the case a few years ago, when Disney named their Princess weekend for Frozen.  It certainly was - frozen.  The temperature for the 10K was below freezing.  Did I bring appropriate clothing?  Heavens no.  I brought shorts and floppy sparkle skirts.  What to do? Well, we could run in our planned costumes and looked adorable and frozen. We could have not run.  Lucky for us, two things happened.  First, we stopped at the outlets for our usual shop on the way to the race.  What is usually on sale at Florida outlets?  Cold weather gear, of course, and I used the opportunity to stock up on some things I needed to run in the fall and winter.  I had them with me, in all their technicolor glory.  Second, the rest of our family ran the morning before in the 5K, when it was even colder, and Disney thoughtfully supplied them with warming mylar blankets, which they saved for us.  Daughter and I looked a little goofy (no pun intended), our costumes were totally messed up,  but we made do with what we had and were able to run without freezing off body parts because running the race and doing it together was what was important.  That's life.

That's also life in the Trenches.  Many times here in the Trenches, one party wants something the other isn't willing to give.  It might be money for support.  It might be time with the children.  Whatever it is, that party isn't going to get what they want at that moment.  They may, however, get something less.....for now.  For now doesn't mean forever.  It really means for now.  So what happens when the party says what they want and the other says they won't give that but they will give something else?  Usually, the first reaction is to say "no."  "No" is really the wrong answer.  I really don't care if the other party is being totally and completely unreasonable.  Saying "no" is like throwing the baby out with the bath water. I want the children half the time; you want me to have the children every other weekend.  If I say "no," not only don't I see the children half the time, I don't see them at all.  I want $1,000 in support; you want to pay $500.  If I say "no," I not only don't get $1,000, I don't get anything.  Making do with something temporarily, even if it's not everything you want, is probably better than nothing.

Wait a minute, you say.  Are you telling me to give in to that dictator?  Are you telling me not to fight for what I want?  Are you saying I should just cave in?  Of course not.  However, if you have no court date for 3 months, or you just separated, or the attorneys haven't had an opportunity to help you determine and resolve the issues, then making do with what you have while making sure the other party knows that it is under protest and only because something is better than nothing, may be what you have to do to stay in the running and continue to move forward.  You're doing it for now, and only for now, and maybe that "now" has a defined time limit. Honestly, do you want to tell a judge that because you couldn't get your way, you just decided not to see the kids?  Or would you rather show a judge how unreasonable the other parent was and that you took what time you could because being with your children was important to you?  Would you rather have the other parent say you are incapable of caring for the children without the ability to disprove their statement, or would you rather you take less time and make them eat their words?  Again, defining your goals early on and deciding what is most important to you, will help you determine whether saying "no," even just for now, is the right choice, or if settling for something less than ideal in the short term will further your goals. The knee jerk reaction is not usually the better course, and even those of us who toil here have to remind ourselves of that.  Here in the Trenches.

People, Let Me Tell You About a Friend of Mine

I know I talk a lot about dogs and their owners, most recently here.  It's true, however.  There is an attorney for every client and a client for every attorney. What you're looking for is an attorney who talks so you can understand, who shares your approach to the divorce process and your values.  Just as there are so many different people, so are there different attorneys.  I've really struggled to illustrate this point for you, because there aren't a lot of blogs out there that have the right tone, but finally I can.  I want to talk to you about a friend of mine here in the Trenches, Lindsay Parvis.

I love Lindsay.  She has been the legislative liaison for the family law section of the bar association for years.  Lindsay loves researching legislation.  She follows the cases, the statutes.  She loves researching the nuances of new laws.  OK, she's a bit of a legislative nerd - and that's a good thing.  Lindsay loves all of that, and she's incredibly generous with her knowledge.  Me?  I love reading her reports, so I know what to research in more detail.  That woman saves all of us hours of incredibly detailed reading.  Bless her.

She's more than the Bar's researcher, however.  She's an incredibly good and passionate advocate for her clients.  She cares deeply about them and their fates.  As well as Lindsay communicates her wealth of information and knowledge to other attorneys, she has labored to find her voice to the world at large in order to share her knowledge and also her compassion.  Recently, she's absolutely found it, and I've discovered a wonderful example for you of the differences in attorneys.  Lindsay's writings are wonderful to read.  Her insights are thought provoking, yet entertaining.  Her personality as an attorney shines through.   Go to her Facebook page and read a few posts.  Yet, her voice is very different from mine, just as is her approach to clients.  Is she a wonderful attorney?  But of course.  So, why am I saying this in my blog?  Why am I saying lovely things about my competition?  Because she's not. my. competition.  Hear her voice and hear mine.  They are not the same and neither are our clients.  Read her posts and read mine.  You'll see what I mean.  Dogs and their owners.  Here in the Trenches.

Pretty Woman or Wonder Woman?

Whenever I talk about process, I like to think of myself as The Process Girl, kind of like Julia Roberts was The Safety Girl in Pretty Woman.  I know, pretty presumptuous of me, but I can dream.  After this week, I am thinking of myself more like Wonder Woman, but with a big P on the chest of my costume.  Why the change?  Well, in Pretty Woman, Vivian was The Safety Girl more as an incidental part of what she did.  The letter on the chest of Wonder Woman's costume reflected the innermost essence of what she was; and that's how I feel about process.  I can deal with being Lynda Carter too.

This week, the importance of process was driven home to me twice.  Let's back up and talk process again.  No, not the type of process, like a dispute resolution mechanism, but the process of deciding itself.  You see, it doesn't matter whether a person resolves their disputes around the kitchen table, or through mediation, collaborative process, lawyer to lawyer negotiation or litigation; the steps of the process is still the same:

1.   Identify your goals, hopes, wants and needs, both from the process and for your life moving forward;
2.   Develop the questions that need to be answered in order to realize those goals, hopes, wants and needs;
3.   Determine and gather the information necessary to answer the questions you have asked;
4.   Brainstorm without evaluating all possible solutions of the issues by using the information gathered to answer the questions needed to meet your goals, hopes, wants and needs;
5.  Evaluate the possible solutions in order to meet resolution.

We call the five steps of the process different things depending on what kind of dispute resolution method we use.  The steps may take different formats.  But, and this is a big but, you MUST go through all the steps in order.  Sure, sometimes we need to circle back based on what information is discovered, but the steps are always the same and in the same order.  You cannot shortcut it - EVER.

Here's what happens when you try to shortcut the process - people get upset.  They get really upset. and they get derailed  You see, the steps of the process have multiple purposes; perhaps the most important of which is that it forces people to disengage their reactive, primitive reptile brain and engage the more evolved, rational part of their being.  In other words, the steps of the process help folks be less emotional because they are focusing on something concrete.  It helps people operate from a place of fact and information and not simply pain, shame and disappointment.  It's empowering to be fully informed, and jump starts the analytical brain so people can make their own decisions.

Twice this week, clients attempted to shortcut the process; it wasn't pretty and it wasn't productive.  Reminding people that there is a process, that we will get to where they want to go, and letting them know when that will be, is tremendously reassuring.  Once clients know their concern is on the radar, that it will be addressed and when, they can relax.  That helps motivate them to gather and synthesize information and make decisions. That's the beauty of the process.  It's why I'm The Process Girl.  Here in the Trenches.

Is Divorce Like a Trip to Disney?

You know I'm a bit of a Disney geek. We go every February for the Princess race weekend.  When I lived in Florida, we went a few times a year.  This year, I'm going with the ladies here in the Trenches.

When I plan the Princess weekend, I plan the weekend.  I do it all.  It is exhausting work.  I call Disney.  I spend interminable hours on the phone with their customer service.   I arrange the dining, the rooms, the transportation, the park tickets.  Even though I love planning the trip, there is no one to share the burden of the details.  There is no one to help me vet all the choices.  It's taken me years to learn everything I know about planning a Disney vacation.  What you may not know about Disney is that they are remarkably bad about sharing information with their customer service representatives.  Many times, I know more than them.  They are not told when certain tickets will become available, or when certain discounts hit their servers. They don't know about all of the special events available to guests.  If you're lucky and get one who has been there a while, they have some first hand knowledge of the resorts, but mostly, you're on your own.  Yes, they are wonderfully nice and try to be helpful, but by and large, the customer service representatives aren't given the facts they need to really, really help you, as opposed to just making your reservation.  So, for me, it can be lonely and stressful to make all the plans.  Don't get me wrong, I love the research, I love making the plans; it's just a bit overwhelming.

For this Fall's trip, I decided to try DVC Rentals.  They sell people's Disney Vacation Club (timeshare) points to folks like me.  You rent a vacation club lodging by buying their points.  It is supposed to be somewhat cheaper than renting a hotel room at the same resort at Disney, and as I love their deluxe resorts, saving money is good.  Any way, I contacted them.  Lauren Enochs answered my inquiry.  I explained my requirements; she made suggestions as to appropriate lodgings, based on our needs, availability of the lodgings, and type of resort.  She helped me compare choices.  I made my choice and made a reservation.  Work done, right?  Wrong.  Lauren sent me an email when it was time to make my dining reservations, so I wouldn't miss out.  She answered my email about the dining plan (on a Saturday, no less).  She obtained a quote for me for park tickets.  She arranged my transportation from the airport.  All I had to do was email her.  No hours on the phone with Disney. No waiting on hold.  I felt like a huge weight was lifted off my shoulders.  I could focus on making this the best trip ever, as opposed to dealing with the minutiae of the logistics of getting us there and sheltered.  My goodness, what a difference it made having Lauren there.  Even though I knew what to do, it was so much better to share the chore with someone I could trust to know at least as much as I, if not more.  I will never plan my Disney trip alone again without my guide.

Getting a divorce is kind of like planning a trip to Disney.  Sure, you could do it yourself.  It will take you years and years of research to learn all of information you need to know to make an informed decision.  It will take over your life.  Maybe you won't understand everything you learn.  You need a customer service representative to help you.  The trick is to find the right representative.  You could call around and find an attorney.  Maybe you'll be lucky and find one who has been around a while and knows the lay of the land and the latest developments in the law.  Maybe you'll get someone who doesn't, and if that's the case, the stress you feel in dealing with your divorce or custody matter may not be relieved.  You'll sense there is something more, something you're not getting.  You wonder if you're getting all you should.  What you want, what you need, is a Lauren.  You need someone who knows the law, knows the ropes.  You need someone who tries to understand you, tries to understand what you need.  You need someone who speaks your language, who makes you feel safe and cared for.  When you find that lawyer, that is the lawyer for you.  You may have to go through a lot of interviews with a lot of customer service representatives lawyers before you find that one, or maybe you'll find them on the first try.  Either way, it makes a huge difference in your time in the Trenches and your life afterward.  Here in the Trenches.

Have You Checked Your Facebook Lately?

I'm down here in beautiful Savannah, enjoying continuing legal education and the company of my colleagues and friends from around the country.  One of my friends commented that my blogging has been a bit spotty over the last few months, and he was wondering what was up.  This friend rarely "likes" any of my posts, and doesn't comment; he describes himself as a lurker on my blog.  I knew he read my blog on occasion, but until he told me this, I was not overtly aware that he was a regular reader.

I'm not only attending this conference, I am also presenting.  My topic is locating the military servicemember in order to start a family law case.  One of the methods I talked about was seeing if the servicemember has a Facebook page, Twitter account, or other social media account.  Lots of folks have them, and usually they have them well prior to a family law case being commenced.  Part of having these accounts is adding "friends" and building a community of contacts.  Most people never look at their friends list after they have added people to the list.  Some people never even set their privacy settings.  As a result, unless someone "likes" their posts, most people don't remember who is on their friends list, and thus, who has access to the information on their social media pages.  Many times, their spouse, friends of their spouse, family of their spouse, friends of friends of their spouse are seeing everything posted, and only if they're stupid are they "liking" or commenting online.  I know I have 237 friends on Facebook, and maybe fewer than 10 ever comment on or "like" my posts.  That means 227 people are seeing what I'm putting online, and saying nothing.  If my privacy settings weren't enabled, the world could see what I post.  Wow, what a treasure trove of potential evidence exists online!  As a attorney, I'm not allowed to create a phantom profile in order to be "friended" by the opposing party.  I am also not permitted to tell a client to remove their social media pages, because that would be destruction of evidence.  

In light of all of the above, what am I telling you?  Periodically review your privacy settings.  Periodically review who you have allowed to view your online social media, and edit it when there is a major life event that affects your social network and familial ties.  Be judicious about what you post online; don't post it if you don't want it to be the subject of your deposition or brought up in testimony in court.  Remember that everything you say can and will be used against you in your custody or divorce case.  Let the poster beware.  Here in the Trenches.

It's All About the Process

It's time to revisit process. Remember, I'm the process girl. The most important part of any process for dispute resolution is the first step: clarifying your interests and goals for the resolution of the dispute. If you don't take your time with this step and really flesh it out, then you have no idea what represents an acceptable resolution.  You might obtain a resolution or ask a judge for a result that doesn't actually meet your needs.  Do you want that to happen? Do you want to spend the time and effort (and many times, money) on resolving the dispute, only to find it doesn't work for you?  Heck no.

Here's the other thing, no matter what the process choice, settlement is ALWAYS a possibility, even if you're going to litigation, even if it's the first day of trial. If you know your goal and the interests that underlie it, you can assess options quickly, make tweaks to proposals and make decisions efficiently.  If you don't, you're destined to spin your wheels and dither (I hate dithering, even though I'm probably guilty of it myself).

I was reminded of all of this yesterday.  I had a case with an attorney who is renowned for taking little to no interest in a case until the day of trial.  Now, this attorney is a really good trial attorney, and he has other attorneys who prepare the case for trial so he can just show up and try it.  He is, however, the only attorney on his side with any authority to reach a settlement.  That means that if you want to settle with this attorney, you are necessarily unable to do so until the night before trial or the morning of trial.  That's tricky, because if you use your trial time to try and settle and don't settle the case, you have lost your trial slot and won't get another for month, and you will have annoyed the court.  Usually, a delay and pissing off the court are not in your client's best interest.  Ergo, if you're going to try to settle, you had better be reasonably certain it's possible, and more, that you know whether it's going to happen in a reasonably short period of time.  The only way that can happen is if you know your client's goal for the representation.  As I like to say, a case about the money is never really about the money; the money stands for something.

What does all this mean for you?  It means that you want your attorney to spend a lot of time getting to know you, getting to know what is important to you, discovering what is working and not working about your present circumstance and why.  You want your attorney to dig deep with you about your hopes, wishes and dreams.  I know, that doesn't sound like "legal" work; it may feel like it takes a lot of time.  Maybe you feel like it's a waste of time.  It's not.  Spending that time with you lays important groundwork that enables you to settle your case in a way that meets your core needs, and it lets us here in the Trenches work efficiently.  Spending the time now will save you time, effort and money later.  It's a worthwhile investment in your future.  Here in the Trenches.

Dos and Don'ts From a Child of Divorce - Guest Blog

Daughter asked me to write a guest post on her fitness blog about the effect strength and balance training had on my running (see my post and her excellent blog here).  After I wrote my post, I took leave of my senses and thought it would be a great idea to have her write a post for my blog about her perspective and experiences as a child of divorce.  No sooner had I hit the send button on my text when I realized the huge risk I was taking.  What if her father and I not only turned her world upside down by divorcing, but we also totally screwed up the aftermath?  To say I was concerned would be to put it mildly.  Still, I promised myself that because she published my entire post without changes, I would do the same for hers.  Without further comment, here are Daughter's thoughts - Here in the Trenches.

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I'm not your average child of divorce. When it was announced to me and my brother that my parents were getting a divorce, a word very common in our household since both parents are family law attorneys, we handled it very differently. My ten year old brother got the news and started crying, a pretty typical reaction, but my five year old mind immediately went "yay! I get two of everything!" As well, not only was my reaction different, but our situation was different. My mother moved away as far as I could ever imagine... just kidding she moved into a house on literally the next street over. Throughout my childhood, until my father moved, I was able to pretty much move freely between the houses if I forgot anything or needed to go over. I'm not sure if it's because of their knowledge of the situation, or just because they were able to handle it well, but my parents were always able to go to back to school night and be in the same room, or go to school events and be civil and say "hi," which definitely helped the strange divide in our family. 

Just because my parents know better doesn't mean they always made the right decisions however. You can know everything in the world, but when it comes to your family, your emotions can cause you to act in ways that you weren't expecting. Your divorce attorney, or best interest attorney, or family friend who's gotten divorced twice and is hoping third time's the charm (fingers crossed!) can tell you everything right, or wrong, but sometimes it still doesn't resonate with you. During my thirteen years as a child of divorce (until i turned 18, then I was technically an adult of divorce but that sounds weird), I've learned the good and bad. Hopefully my experience, one that has virtually no memory of my family together, but also one that has knowledge of divorce and what to do and what not, can help with the hardest parts of divorce.

For the parentals:

Listen to your children. I know that seems like a duh of course I should do that, but I feel like many parents think they're listening, but are doing anything but. When the divorce is fresh, you're scrambling. Scrambling to adjust to your new life, maybe starting a new job, maybe in a new area, so I get it. You have a lot on your mind. But you know who else does? Your child. And if your child is anything like I was, he/she doesn't want to put anymore stress on you or "bother" you with anything until its too late. Too late = (for me) hysterical meltdown complete with incomprehensible sobbing so not really getting that point across anyways. The point of this, at dinner, go for a walk with the dogs, go get your nails did, but talk. Actually talk.

Keep some consistency. I know, you're like come on. You just told me that I'm scrambling to adjust to a new life, how do I keep consistent? It doesn't have to be hard. I'm talking as easy as Sunday night dinners. My father and I consistently went to hockey games. It was something we enjoyed doing together and we could just immerse ourselves in the game. It wasn't a time to talk, just time with my dad. My mother and I went through a rough patch and getting back together, we went and got our nails done every Sunday. I looked forward to those Sundays and it gave my life a bit of structure and it was fun times with my busy as heck momma. 

Have fun. Divorce is hard. It's hard on you, it's hard on your kids, it's hard on teachers who don't know who to send home letters to, it's hard for the mailman who's trying to find you, it's just hard. However, that doesn't mean your life is just a big hole of stress and darkness. You need to find some fun. Like I said in the last tip, I had fun with my parents. We had our own time to enjoy and to destress. My parents were busy. They both had their own businesses, taking people through the process our family was going through, and it took a lot of their time away from me and my brother. The times I remember from my childhood were the few really bad moments, but they were scattered in with really great times with each parent. 

Para los children:

Speak up. My big mouth has gotten me into more trouble than I can even count. However, the reason it's gotten me into big trouble is because I waited too long to say anything. I waited until my distress had built up so much that whenever I opened my mouth it was a huge sobbing/yelling/screaming fit. If I had just talked to my parents about things that were bothering me, instead of thinking I was bothering them with my feelings and shenanigans, it would have saved my household a lot of stress in an already stressful time. 

Be flexible. I know that you're the child and they're the parents and they're supposed to cater to you, but (again) this is a tough time for everyone. The amount of stress and emotion they are under through this whole process has the tendency to cloud judgement and make them a bit strange for a bit. You just need to roll with the punches (not literally and only to a point) and be flexible with how your parents are handling things for a while. Maybe work got in the way of your dance recital, but they sent grandma to record it to watch it later. I know it's not the same, believe me, but you need to realize they are doing their best. And if you feel like they aren't, say something. 

Accept change. I hate change. I'm a huge creature of habit and I don't like my life being uprooted. Maybe that stems from the constant change in my childhood with the family shenanigans, but whatever the reason, I hate change. But when your life is changing the most it could possibly change when you're a kid (aka any time before 18), you can't fight the change. If you do, you're going to be miserable. I know you were used to life as it was, but you need to be flexible and roll with it. Your parents are going to move, they're going to move on aka they're going to meet someone else that isn't your other parent, and the best thing you can do is stay positive that this is a good change and accept it.

The last thing I can say for both sides is that, this is possibly the hardest thing your family will go through. And the most important thing to remember is the love in your family. Just because your parents don't love each other like that anymore, doesn't mean they love you any less. Just because your children are acting out and saying how much they hate you (sorry mom), they don't. They just don't know how to express themselves in this situation. Your family is still your family, no matter what, and just remember the love and remember to love each other.