Adventures in Co-Parenting

I mediated a custody case today and in response to the mother's comment that the father wasn't supportive of her parenting, and set her up to be the bad guy, the father became offended because he did, in fact, support her parenting and backed her up with the kids.  He said he always told them, "It's Fine with Me if Your Mom Says it's All Right."  A lot of parents, even in intact families, think that such a statement is being supportive.  They mean that if the child gets both votes, they can do it, but if they only have the one vote, they can't.  What their teenage children hear, however, is an opportunity to exploit, divide and conquer.  It's hard to do in an intact family, where Mom and Dad may actually talk to each other and compare stories.  In a separated family, it's golden.  You know where this is going....."Why can't I?  Dad says it's OK." "You're so mean, Dad would let me!"  (By the way, this scheme works just as well when Mom makes the "supportive" statement).  What happens as a result?  Mom feels pressured to give in, so the child gets what she wants.  If Mom doesn't give in, then the child says she's a horrible parent.  What is definite is that Mom is furious with Dad for setting her up in a no win situation.  What happens when Mom sees/talks to Dad next?  She lets him have it for putting her in a no win situation.  Dad doesn't understand why she's so upset.  They're separated and they're not really talking, so they never figure out that their little angel is setting them up.
I can't tell  you how many times I see this scene play out.  For every parent, those of us in the Trenches tell them that they can divorce their spouse as a spouse, but never as a parent.  They have to continue to work together as parents until their children are raised, or they risk having their children run roughshod over them, or worse, getting into trouble because they have been raised with fluid limits.  Even if they didn't communicate well while married, they need to communicate as parents.  If they didn't know how while together, they need to learn; the consequences of not doing so will last a lifetime - their children's.