“We are never so much disposed to quarrel with others as when we are dissatisfied with ourselves.”
-- William Hazlitt
Isn't that the truth? Or perhaps you would prefer "If misery loves company, misery has company enough." -Henry David Thoreau? Have you ever noticed that unhappy people want everyone else to be unhappy as well? It's almost as if they can't truly "enjoy" being miserable unless others are as well. I don't know about you, but I like wallowing in self pity all by myself. I want someone to come along and convince me the party is boring and I should end it rather than joining it with me. When I'm in a bad mood, I'd rather you talk me out of it. When you yell at me, I try to figure out why - what did I do to provoke it, what might be going on in your life, why you handle disputes the way you do. Do I yell back? Sometimes, but I usually regret it. The times I do take the bait are times at which I'm not at my best, when I'm tired or overwhelmed. Here in the Trenches, what I do does not affect how I live my life. It does, however, affect my clients' lives. Here are people enduring the biggest loss, next to death, that they will ever encounter. Every aspect of their lives is changing, and they don't know how. They're off balance and confused. Every nerve in their bodies is raw. Many of them blame themselves for the breakup of their marriage. Maybe they didn't want the marriage to end. I would call most of our clients dissatisfied with themselves and their lives. Add to that their being high conflict people, and you come up with some epic quarrels. Understanding this means we view the most quarrelsome client with compassion and understanding. We help them feel safe, heard and respected so they can reduce the desire to quarrel. It's all part of what we do, here in the Trenches.
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