When is a Child Not a Child?

If you've done any reading about divorce, I'm certain you've seen the article where the judge asks the parties whether they love their children more than they hate each other.  Most parents would say that of course they love their children more than they hate each other.  Problem is that some of those parents talk trash about the other parent in front of their children, refuse to let the children answer the phone when the other parent calls, don't invite the other parent to the child's birthday party.  Well, you get the picture.  Luckily, there are fewer of those types of parents than you think.  Most parents try hard not to dump their divorce on their children.  They try to be good co-parents.  They suck it up and stand on the sidelines for soccer ages together.  They both attend those sports banquets.  They jointly plan those bar mitzvahs, quincieras and sweet sixteen parties.  They go to doctor appointments together.  They make small talk and generally appear to get along.  After all, they are the adults and they don't need to share their adult issues with their children.

Then the children turn 18.  Most parent understand that simply because their children turn 18 doesn't mean that anything changes.  There are still milestones at which they will need to be around the other parent - graduations, weddings, baby showers, grandchildren's events.  They understand that they will always have to suck it up and be cordial to the other parent, that it isn't right to make their children choose between parents.  Others don't.  They view that age of majority as the time at which they can stop faking it, when they no longer have to suck it up for the sake of their child.  They figure that they had to do what they didn't want to do until the little darlings were 18, and now the children will understand that they're not going to do it anymore.

To those folks, I say - sorry.  You never get to stop being a co-parent to your children.  If it is your event, you can invite whoever you wish.  When you are not intended to be the center of attention - when you are not the one wearing the cap and gown, the wedding veil, or the party hat, and instead it is your child, it is about them.  You are still the parent and they are the child.  They have a right not to have to choose with which parent they celebrate their life events.  They have a right not to have to have two parents' tables at their wedding.  They have a right to have both of their parents at the Red Lobster to celebrate their birthday, or at their home to celebrate one last Christmas before they move.

Another thing I've noticed about these parents is that they think at age 18 they can suddenly tell the child how much they always hated the other parent, couldn't stand to be around them all those years.  They think it's OK to share all those things they bottled up inside them while the child was young.  Again, what makes those parents think the children want to hear it?  They didn't want to hear it when they were younger than 18, and they don't want to hear it when they're older.  Remember, the children never stop being part of both of their parents, and criticizing one of their parents is an attack on them.

If you see yourself as one of these parents, stop now.  Do not pass Go, do not collect $200.  Pretend your children are younger than 18 and behave.  Might I also suggest you find a competent counselor to help you work through your anger?  I know, divorce is full of anger, and I am sure your former spouse is quite deserving of yours.  Your children, however, are not, so work through you anger with a professional and not them.  Here in the Trenches.