If you're not a psychological professional, how do you spot a High Conflict Personality before you marry one? Mind you, marrying one is not necessarily the problem, although it can be. Divorcing them triggers every insecurity they have, put their all or nothing thinking into high gear, and makes extreme conflict all but unavoidable. The guru of High Conflict People, Bill Eddy (one of my personal heroes), sets forth 7 characteristics for which to watch:
1. Are they excessively charming, showering you with compliments, gifts, or trips? Until you really get to know them, HCP can be mesmerizing. They seem too good to be true - and they probably are.
2. Does something seem a little bit off? Pay attention to your gut.
3. Is the sex absolutely amazing? Sure, most of us want great sex, but remember that sex releases hormones into your system that are as powerful as any narcotic and can accelerate your falling in love. Hopefully, it's just great sex, but remember #1 on this list.
4. Are they rushing you for a commitment, to move the relationship to the next level? HCPs do this for a couple of reasons, the most important to you is that they want you to commit before they can't maintain #1 on this list any more and their "real" personality comes out. It's much harder to get out of a relationship then to simply not get into one.
5. Is their thinking totally black and white, all or nothing? Are there no shades of grey? Is it always someone else's fault? Are they always the victim?
6. Are they completely self absorbed? Is it all about them? Do they not ask you about your interests or your day? Do you and what you want only matter as it relates to them?
7. What are their patterns in their relationships with other people? Were there any patterns in their relationships growing up? How do they relate to their parents? HCPs do not become that way overnight; they develop over a lifetime.
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