One of the things we like to do here in the Trenches is to help our clients avoid becoming members of our "frequent flier" plan. You see, here in the Trenches we really like our clients (usually), and want them to move on after their divorce without making the same mistakes that brought them to us in the first place. It's one of the reasons we really urge our clients to get into therapy, so they can recognize what attracted them to their ex and why, and work on not doing that in the future. We also urge them into therapy for the coaching piece of it, and we work with our clients as well to help them clarify their hopes and goals for the future and work toward achieving those goals. Here in the Trenches, we really want our clients to be OK. In fact, it makes us sad when our clients choose to have a relationship with the same type of person over and over again.
I was intrigued to come across a book called How to Recognize Your Future Ex-Husband by Debra Weiner. The Amazon reviews praise this book as a bible to choosing healthy relationships. I wouldn't go that far (but I would be curious to hear what a certain friend/client has to say - you know who you are, L.M.). What I like about this book is that it hits a lot of different topics and traits, and discusses them briefly and succinctly, using examples from the author's life. Certainly, not all of the traits discussed are problems for everyone. What Ms. Weiner does, however, is make the reader think, about what they're seeing, hearing, and most importantly, feeling about the person with whom they are developing a relationship. This is a quick little book, and it may very well help the reader enter into relationships in a more thoughtful manner, and be less quick to discount the warning signs of a bad one. I wish she hadn't limited it to husbands, as it is as applicable to men as it is to women. Nevertheless, it gets a big "thumbs up" from us in the Trenches as suggested reading for our clients.
Here is the commentary by a certain client/friend (Thank you, L.M.!)
ReplyDeleteUnfortunately the people who most need this book will never read it. They are the women (and men) who are so firmly entrenched in their self-rationalization process that they don’t even know they are doing it. But for those who want to take the time to do some self-examination about their romantic relationship habits, this is a nifty, quick read with some meat.
Written primarily for single women, this book could be tune-up for anyone in any type of relationship, regardless of gender. Because, let’s face it: we all make “questionable choices” at one time or another. And this book aims to help us recognize, and even seek out, those times when we may be apt to overlook the flashing neon sign with the blaring air horn and confetti that should be pointing us to deal-breaking behaviors. The author stresses the importance of “going with your gut” which, while sound advice, seems counter-intuitive to the very people this book is written for.
Set up in a questions and answer format this book is easy to read in small pieces and can be used as a quick reference by subject. The various topics are listed alphabetically and cover a wide-range of human frailties from addiction to trust. She covers all the seven deadly sins and more, such as sex, pornography, safety, children, manners, lying, jealousy and everything except gluttony. Each chapter starts with an introduction of the topic, followed by a Q & A section and then a vignette to illustrate the vice in living color.
The weakness in this book has less to do with the author and more with the reader. In order for this book to have any impact at all, the reader must identify with the examples listed by the author. If the reader can come with a willing, open mind and be ready to accept they may be torpedoing their romantic life before it is even out of the chute, this book can be a good resource. They may recognize themselves between the covers and have an opportunity to take heed. Otherwise it will likely seem nothing more than an alphabetical detail of the dysfunctional.