Just in case you think all of this talk about pet peeves is just me being me, the ABA Family Law Section listserv compiled a top ten list as well this week. A big shout out to all my colleagues who contributed, and to Rob Robertson for putting it into a format that's fit for sharing with non-lawyers. I hope none of you sees yourselves in these. Let's share some of the best. The sad part is that each of these is based on something that really happened to someone in the Trenches.
1. No you can't move across the country without telling your ex. Or rather, you can, but you really don't need the consequences that will follow.
2. No you can't put a child up for adoption without telling the father.
3. No you can't "sign your rights away" to get out of paying child support - even and especially if the other parent agrees.
4. It doesn't matter you had everything put into your name, you still don't
get the house, the car and the retirement fund all to yourself. Nice try.
5. Just because your spouse put it in a court pleading doesn't mean anyone takes it as the Truth.
6. No you can't obtain supervised visitation because you don't really know the dad. If there's drugs or violence involved, that would be a different story.
7. No I can't take your case on contingency, nor would I if I could. Do you go to work on the off chance they might decide you did a good job and will pay you?
8. If someone is bound and determined to live on the lam to avoid paying child support, there is probably nothing much you can do about it.
9. Women are not automatically favored in custody cases, but the person who is the most involved with the children usually is. You do the math.
10. (Probably the number one thing I tell people all the time) You can't fix crazy.
The extended version of “You can’t fix crazy” (also known as “No, I cannot make
your ex stop acting like a jerk. Neither can the judge”) particularly in custody
cases, particularly involving litigants over the age of 40:
“See over there? [points out office window] That’s Good Samaritan Hospital. Every
day, over there, somebody 45 years old walks in, and gets told by a doctor,
something pretty much like: ‘Ma’m, you’ve got Type II diabetes. If you don’t
lose 100 pounds, and get your blood chemistry under control, first we'll
probably have to cut off your toes, then you’ll go blind, from diabetic
retinopathy, and then you’re GONNA DIE!’
“Then the next guy walks in, and the doctor says: ‘Sir, you’ve got coronary
artery disease; if you don’t stop smoking, get your cholesterol and blood
pressure down, and lose 100 pounds, you’re going to have a major cardiac
episode, and then you’re GONNA DIE!”.
“Some of the people who hear that change the way they are living their lives
in fundamental ways, BUT SOME OF THEM DON’T.
“If a medical doctor's (who someone's paying for the opinion) saying ‘If you
don’t do X, YOU’RE GONNA DIE!’, isn’t guaranteed to change someone’s behavior,
there’s nothing that I, or a judge can do or say which we’ll guarantee will
change your ex’s behavior.”
Only Here in the Trenches.....
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