Wednesday, January 5, 2011

In the Name of the Child

A few years ago, the American Bar Association Family Law Section and the American Psychological Association co-sponsored a continuing education conference.  Each session had both a lawyer and a psychologist as presenters.  What was interesting about the conference, aside from the content, was what each profession emphasized.  The lawyers talked about practicalities, about how the topic related to the practice of family law; the psychologists talked statistics.

In the psychological world, I understand it helps psychologists to know what works and what doesn't by measuring statistics.  As a lawyer, I think it's strange.  A psychologist will tell you that children subjected to high conflict divorces and continuing custody battles have a high probability of developing serious, continuing mental health and relational issues, with a corresponding low percentage of those children recovering from the childhood trauma as adults.  Any attorney who has worked with these cases and these families will tell you the same story, but in different terms.  I have been involved in one such case for 7 years, and will probably continue to be involved for 3 more - this is my story.

All of the articles and books you read about high conflict custody cases talk about how bad they are for children and counsel the parents to avoid them at all cost.  Nice words, but for those folks who fuel the high conflict fire, they fall on deaf ears.  Why?  Because the high conflict, continuing, parental alienating cases are not at all about the children, but are all about at least one parent and the interaction between both parents.  The children are either secondary or are completely unimportant to the fight.  The problem is that the children don't know that; they think it's about them.  Children, being children, then bend themselves into all kinds of pretzels to change whatever it is about them or about what they are doing to stop the conflict.  The problem is that this doesn't work, because it's (wait for it) not about them.  If they are subjected to one (and sometimes two) angry parents, they hear horrible things about the other parent on a daily basis, things that contradict their own experience and their own impressions.  So they begin to doubt that what they experience is real.  They also learn how to interact with others by watching their parents, who in high conflict cases, are interacting really poorly.  If these children are lucky (or maybe not so lucky), as they mature, they begin to see that what they believed as small children really isn't so.   Crazy making?  You bet.  I can't even begin to talk about the damage caused by an alienating parent who says they love the children, tells them the other parent hates them and will harm them, and then turns against them when the children begin to understand the truth.  It breaks my heart to see these children desperate for the love and attention of the alienating parent who has now turned his/her wrath on them.

So what happens next?  The now teenage and adult children have no clue what is true and what is not.  They have learned not to trust their feelings; and probably not learned how to moderate their emotions.  Many of them have few, if any, social awareness and ability to interact with others appropriately.  They end up, to put it mildly, pretty screwed up.  It takes years, if not decades, of dedicated work by the children, a good therapist and a loving family to undo the damage so these children can live normal lives.

I pray for the child in my highest conflict case.  I hope she finds peace and understanding.  I know she has a judge and social worker working hard for her, a fantastic therapist, and at least part of a family that supports her unconditionally.  She is bright and funny, and most of all, strong.  She may beat the odds, but she has a long way to go.  I hope she makes it.

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